INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering With Tiffany fantasy football franchise, tipped off several members of the media on Tuesday about her hopes for the soon-to-be-scheduled fantasy football draft.
"I may not know a lot about fantasy football, but I do know this — we need Michael Vick," Tiffany said. "I hope Tim (Shea, Tiffany's co-owner and the love of her life) goes along with me. We're trying to defend our title and we're in for a dogfight."
As sportswriters tried unsuccessfully to stifle their laughter, Tiffany tried to set them straight.
"Uh, hello. Michael Vick like runs with the football and he like throws the football, too," Tiffany declared. "I mean, he's going to lead the league in rebounds, don't you think? If Tim doesn't pick him, he's going to be in my doghouse, I'll tell you that."
Vick, who allegedly has been involved in a dogfighting ring in Virginia, has been told by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to stay away from training camp pending a league investigation into the accusations.
A befuddled Tiffany starting hurling insults at the sportswriters, who were on the ground rolling while laughing at the mall singer.
"You guys are like so immature," Tiffany said. "I say we're going to draft Michael Vick and you start acting like I'm a freakazoid from another planet like Mars or wherever Spock was from. You just wish you were as great as Vick. You guys must have been dogging it in high school. Oh, whatever!"
A flustered Tiffany stormed away from the media gathering and into the arms of Shea, who consoled her.
"Honey, haven't you heard about Vick not playing football this year," Shea said as Tiffany fought back tears. "It's OK, sweetheart. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. I'm sorry those doggone sportswriters made my wittle snookums cry."
A smile then came to Tiffany's face when Shea said he had a surprise for her.
"Honey, I went to Taco Bell in Lancaster today," Shea said. "Mmmm, that stuff was good. And I saved some tacos for you. I've got them at home in a doggie bag."
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Tiffany thinks people are at Borders to buy her CD
HAGERSTOWN, Md. — As Showering with Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea gave stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany a tour of his former hometown on Friday, a crowd gathered at the Centre at Hagerstown caught the attention of the couple.
"We saw this long line of people at Borders and I drove over that way to check it out," Shea said. "Tiffany got all excited because she thought everybody was lined up to buy her CD (Just Me). I told her I wasn't sure about that because I heard there was some stupid fantasy book that supposedly was being released at midnight."
Tiffany got out of Shea's Hummer and approached the crowd, which was lined up all the way to Payless Shoe Source.
"Wow you guys, I can't believe you all want my CD," Tiffany said. "I hope they ordered enough of them so nobody goes home disappointed."
Many in the crowd snickered as Tiffany walked away in an attempt to enter the bookstore.
"Mommy, who was that?" a young boy asked. "I wonder if she's going to be Miverva McGonagall in the next movie."
Security personnel on hand at the bookstore had to restrain Tiffany as well as deal with a rowdy bunch of adolescents and alleged adults, many of whom believed the mall singer was trying to cut in line to ensure she received a copy of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," the final book in the fantasy series by J.K. Rowling.
"Hey dudes, like take it easy," Tiffany said. "There's plenty of CDs to go around. I know this place has a couple of hundred of them in stock. Gee, they're acting like some book is coming out at midnight. Get a life, people."
Tiffany eventually was taken to the ground and tasered by officers with the Hagerstown Police Department.
"Dude, like stop trying to shock me," Tiffany said after being tasered for the fourth time. "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Save it for Debbie Gibson, you freakazoids."
Calm eventually was restored, and Tiffany was able to enter the bookstore after 200 others filed in.
"Man Tim, is this like 'The Planet of the Morons?'" Tiffany said after finally getting to take a closer look at the crowd. "What's with all of these stupid capes and hats? Is this a magician convention or something?"
Tiffany once again was angered when she accidentally was poked in the rear end by a wand being carried by an unidentified middle-aged man dressed as Ron Weasley.
"Hey dude, like watch where you're sticking that thing," Tiffany said to the stunned youth. "Gee whiz, like get your hormones under control. I'll sign your CD, but that's all you're getting from me, you pervert."
Tiffany left Borders without signing any CDs and armed with a copy of the final Harry Potter book.
"Everybody says this is a cool book, so I'll have to take it back to Intercourse," Tiffany said. "I can't wait to read it to my class. People were saying there was stuff like witchcraft and magic in this thing. Oh man, those Amish kids are going to love it! This is a huge book! Maybe I should just skip right to the end."
"We saw this long line of people at Borders and I drove over that way to check it out," Shea said. "Tiffany got all excited because she thought everybody was lined up to buy her CD (Just Me). I told her I wasn't sure about that because I heard there was some stupid fantasy book that supposedly was being released at midnight."
Tiffany got out of Shea's Hummer and approached the crowd, which was lined up all the way to Payless Shoe Source.
"Wow you guys, I can't believe you all want my CD," Tiffany said. "I hope they ordered enough of them so nobody goes home disappointed."
Many in the crowd snickered as Tiffany walked away in an attempt to enter the bookstore.
"Mommy, who was that?" a young boy asked. "I wonder if she's going to be Miverva McGonagall in the next movie."
Security personnel on hand at the bookstore had to restrain Tiffany as well as deal with a rowdy bunch of adolescents and alleged adults, many of whom believed the mall singer was trying to cut in line to ensure she received a copy of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," the final book in the fantasy series by J.K. Rowling.
"Hey dudes, like take it easy," Tiffany said. "There's plenty of CDs to go around. I know this place has a couple of hundred of them in stock. Gee, they're acting like some book is coming out at midnight. Get a life, people."
Tiffany eventually was taken to the ground and tasered by officers with the Hagerstown Police Department.
"Dude, like stop trying to shock me," Tiffany said after being tasered for the fourth time. "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Save it for Debbie Gibson, you freakazoids."
Calm eventually was restored, and Tiffany was able to enter the bookstore after 200 others filed in.
"Man Tim, is this like 'The Planet of the Morons?'" Tiffany said after finally getting to take a closer look at the crowd. "What's with all of these stupid capes and hats? Is this a magician convention or something?"
Tiffany once again was angered when she accidentally was poked in the rear end by a wand being carried by an unidentified middle-aged man dressed as Ron Weasley.
"Hey dude, like watch where you're sticking that thing," Tiffany said to the stunned youth. "Gee whiz, like get your hormones under control. I'll sign your CD, but that's all you're getting from me, you pervert."
Tiffany left Borders without signing any CDs and armed with a copy of the final Harry Potter book.
"Everybody says this is a cool book, so I'll have to take it back to Intercourse," Tiffany said. "I can't wait to read it to my class. People were saying there was stuff like witchcraft and magic in this thing. Oh man, those Amish kids are going to love it! This is a huge book! Maybe I should just skip right to the end."
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Doctors: Tiffany suffering from 'mall withdrawal'
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — After 10 days of medical testing both locally and at several world-renowned hospitals, a spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control finally revealed what the mysterious illness is that is plaguing 35-year-old stunningly beautiful mall singer Tiffany.
The diagnosis: Mall withdrawal.
"The symptoms of mall withdrawal are similar to those of other addictive diseases," CDC spokesman Jim Nasium said Saturday. "Tiffany is feeling very tired and is in a seriously weakened condition. She has to fight her way through this and not be exposed to stores like Claire's Boutique and The Great American Steak and Potato Company."
Nasium suggested that Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise, establish a 12-step program for recovering "mall-aholics" since she is the first person to be documented with the disease.
"I'm sure there are thousands of people, particulary young women, who continue to suffer in silence," Nasium said. "Tiffany can serve as an inspiration to them and show them that they can cope with this disease."
Tiffany's medical crisis began on the Fourth of July, when she was found slumped over the steering wheel of a buggy and begging anyone within earshot to take her to American Eagle Outfitters.
Tim Shea, Tiffany's fellow co-owner and the love of her life, immediately took Tiffany to an Intercourse doctor, who diagnosed the mall singer with a mild case of the flu.
"I could tell it was much worse than that when I started teasing her about all of the things I can do with my iPhone and she didn't even respond," Shea said. "So I used my GPS tracker and found the nearest world-renowned hospital."
Among the medical facilities that Tiffany and Shea visited were Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore and the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.
"I thought she was close to a goner when I told her we were going to the Mayo Clinic and she said she really wanted two burritos grande and a large plate of nachos instead," Shea said. "Thank God for the CDC in the end. Although they at first wanted her to be quarantined with that guy who had tuberculosis."
Tiffany is resting comfortable at home and is scheduled to return to her normal co-ownership duties this week.
Upon learning of the news, experts on Wall Street said they expect the prices for shares of stock for The Disney Store and The Gap will plummet more than 50 percent shortly after trading opens Monday.
The diagnosis: Mall withdrawal.
"The symptoms of mall withdrawal are similar to those of other addictive diseases," CDC spokesman Jim Nasium said Saturday. "Tiffany is feeling very tired and is in a seriously weakened condition. She has to fight her way through this and not be exposed to stores like Claire's Boutique and The Great American Steak and Potato Company."
Nasium suggested that Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise, establish a 12-step program for recovering "mall-aholics" since she is the first person to be documented with the disease.
"I'm sure there are thousands of people, particulary young women, who continue to suffer in silence," Nasium said. "Tiffany can serve as an inspiration to them and show them that they can cope with this disease."
Tiffany's medical crisis began on the Fourth of July, when she was found slumped over the steering wheel of a buggy and begging anyone within earshot to take her to American Eagle Outfitters.
Tim Shea, Tiffany's fellow co-owner and the love of her life, immediately took Tiffany to an Intercourse doctor, who diagnosed the mall singer with a mild case of the flu.
"I could tell it was much worse than that when I started teasing her about all of the things I can do with my iPhone and she didn't even respond," Shea said. "So I used my GPS tracker and found the nearest world-renowned hospital."
Among the medical facilities that Tiffany and Shea visited were Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore and the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.
"I thought she was close to a goner when I told her we were going to the Mayo Clinic and she said she really wanted two burritos grande and a large plate of nachos instead," Shea said. "Thank God for the CDC in the end. Although they at first wanted her to be quarantined with that guy who had tuberculosis."
Tiffany is resting comfortable at home and is scheduled to return to her normal co-ownership duties this week.
Upon learning of the news, experts on Wall Street said they expect the prices for shares of stock for The Disney Store and The Gap will plummet more than 50 percent shortly after trading opens Monday.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Tiffany still can't get iPhone to work
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Some residents of south-central Pennsylvania were treated to fireworks a day early.
Tiffany, the stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer, pitched a fit Tuesday after repeated attempts to get her iPhone to work proved fruitless.
"You buy something that's supposed to be great and I can't even get the damn thing to work," Tiffany said. "Where's the, you know, number button thingy that I use to make calls?"
Tiffany purchased the iPhone Friday at the Lancaster Mall after attempts to find an AT&T store in Intercourse and the surrounding area came up empty.
"I just don't understand these people," the mall singer said. "Man, they get all excited about freshly churned butter like it's a PlayStation 3. I'm surprised nobody's gotten trampled to death yet they way these inbreds react to freshly baked sourdough rolls."
Tiffany tried to get assistance from several Intercourse residents in order to get her iPhone to work, but to no avail.
"I asked this woman what to do with this," Tiffany said. "She grabs it out of my hands and starts to use it as a rolling pin! Oh my God. I grabbed it right back and told her I needed to figure out how to download music and she looked at me like I was from a foreign country like Mexico or North Dakota.
"Then there was the dude who looked at it and was just about to start hammering nails with it. I'm like, 'Hey dude, like take it easy with that. I just want to figure out how to find Web sites.' He then points to a bunch of cobwebs in the corner of his house. I mean, what a total moron!"
Adding to Tiffany's frustration is the fact that Tim Shea, who co-owns the Showering with Tiffany football franchise with the mall singer, has been able to use his custom-made iPhone without any problems.
"Gee whiz, he's watching full-length movies and downloading that crappy punk rock music he always listens to," Tiffany said. "And you know, that special Taser feature he had built in gets a little old after you use it about 100 times on these Amish kids."
Shea also is working with several other features of his phone, including the function enabling him to perform laser eye surgery and another which uncoils a 200-foot "Bat rope."
Tiffany, the stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer, pitched a fit Tuesday after repeated attempts to get her iPhone to work proved fruitless.
"You buy something that's supposed to be great and I can't even get the damn thing to work," Tiffany said. "Where's the, you know, number button thingy that I use to make calls?"
Tiffany purchased the iPhone Friday at the Lancaster Mall after attempts to find an AT&T store in Intercourse and the surrounding area came up empty.
"I just don't understand these people," the mall singer said. "Man, they get all excited about freshly churned butter like it's a PlayStation 3. I'm surprised nobody's gotten trampled to death yet they way these inbreds react to freshly baked sourdough rolls."
Tiffany tried to get assistance from several Intercourse residents in order to get her iPhone to work, but to no avail.
"I asked this woman what to do with this," Tiffany said. "She grabs it out of my hands and starts to use it as a rolling pin! Oh my God. I grabbed it right back and told her I needed to figure out how to download music and she looked at me like I was from a foreign country like Mexico or North Dakota.
"Then there was the dude who looked at it and was just about to start hammering nails with it. I'm like, 'Hey dude, like take it easy with that. I just want to figure out how to find Web sites.' He then points to a bunch of cobwebs in the corner of his house. I mean, what a total moron!"
Adding to Tiffany's frustration is the fact that Tim Shea, who co-owns the Showering with Tiffany football franchise with the mall singer, has been able to use his custom-made iPhone without any problems.
"Gee whiz, he's watching full-length movies and downloading that crappy punk rock music he always listens to," Tiffany said. "And you know, that special Taser feature he had built in gets a little old after you use it about 100 times on these Amish kids."
Shea also is working with several other features of his phone, including the function enabling him to perform laser eye surgery and another which uncoils a 200-foot "Bat rope."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)