INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Following an emergency management meeting on Thursday, Tiffany at Breakfast co-owner Tim Shea announced he is strongly considering changing the name of his fantasy football franchise.
"We're having problems with the 'Tiffany at Breakfast' name." Shea said. "We've had too many people come up to me and talk about their excitement about 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' coming here.
"Heck, I've even screwed up the name already. Look at the last story that was printed about the team. It had the team name as 'Breakfast at Tiffany.' Doh!!!"
Shea revealed that he had a moment Thursday afternoon where he came up with the perfect team name, along the lines of his previous team name, Probing Thea Andrews.
"Showering with Tiffany," Shea said. "It was just one of those moments. I have no idea where the hell that came from, but I think it's a stroke of genius."
After the painful breakup of the Andrews-Shea pairing, the co-owner finally has found bliss.
"I live in Amish country, I own a championship fantasy football franchise and I'm showering with Tiffany," Shea said. "Isn't that every man's fantasy?"
Upon hearing the news, Brad Pitt, who is being considered for the lead role in a motion picture about Shea's life, agreed with the co-owner's assessment.
"Wow, that's unbelievable," Pitt said. "Who wouldn't want to be in Tim's shoes right now. Or in his shower? I'm stuck with Angelina and a bunch of kids that we've adopted from Third World countries. Man, my guidance counselor really screwed me over somewhere down the line."
Tiffany, who weighed in at 136 pounds on Thursday in keeping with Shea's weight-range requirement, was unavailable for comment. She apparently was meeting with representatives of Bath & Body Works to bring a store to Intercourse.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Preliminary plat for Orange Julius approved
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — A plan by mall singer and Breakfast at Tiffany co-owner Tiffany to build an Orange Julius in town received preliminary plat approval on Wednesday night from the Intercourse Planning Commission.
The controversial project now moves on to a yet-to-be scheduled public hearing.
"Tiffany has gone through all of the proper channels with this plan," said Jonas Martin, president of the planning commission. "She has followed this to the letter of the Amish law, so we had no choice but to approve it."
Under the plan, the Amish people would raise an Orange Julius on Main Street. The plan includes seating for 15 and enough room to park four horses and buggies.
The lack of electricity in town did not faze Tiffany, who is determined to go through with the plan despite objections from the majority of Intercourse residents.
"I'm confident that the Amish will accept my plan, and this could serve as a place where teens hang out and will be a deterrent to violent crime here," the mall singer said. "Once they taste an Orange Julius, they will be happy it's here."
Due to the lack of electricity, which would power the blenders needed to create the variety of Julius drinks, Tiffany said her employees would have to churn the concoctions by hand. Tiffany estimated that the time to make an Orange Julius would increase from about a minute to nearly 15 minutes.
"I understand the obstacles in opening an Orange Julius here, but I'm going full speed ahead," said Tiffany, who weighed in at 135 pounds, therefore staying within Tiffany at Breakfast co-owner Tim Shea's required weight range of between 135 and 140 pounds.
Tiffany is expected to face a firestorm of criticism during the public hearing that is required in order for the Orange Julius to be built.
"I'm nervous about the hearing, but I'm ready to face them," Tiffany said. "Basically, I'll listen to their complaints and then I'll tell them to just chill out. And what better way to do that than drinking a refreshing Orange Julius."
Plans for a roller grill to cook hot dogs and various sausages have been put on hold by Tiffany until the Amish "wake up and get into the 19th century and bring some electricity here," she said. "How do these Amish kids recharge their iPods? Man, that Frank Benjamin dude like never would have invented electricity if he knew these people."
Tiffany declined comment on the rumors that she also is planning to open a Sbarro Italian Eatery and Disney Store in the near future.
The controversial project now moves on to a yet-to-be scheduled public hearing.
"Tiffany has gone through all of the proper channels with this plan," said Jonas Martin, president of the planning commission. "She has followed this to the letter of the Amish law, so we had no choice but to approve it."
Under the plan, the Amish people would raise an Orange Julius on Main Street. The plan includes seating for 15 and enough room to park four horses and buggies.
The lack of electricity in town did not faze Tiffany, who is determined to go through with the plan despite objections from the majority of Intercourse residents.
"I'm confident that the Amish will accept my plan, and this could serve as a place where teens hang out and will be a deterrent to violent crime here," the mall singer said. "Once they taste an Orange Julius, they will be happy it's here."
Due to the lack of electricity, which would power the blenders needed to create the variety of Julius drinks, Tiffany said her employees would have to churn the concoctions by hand. Tiffany estimated that the time to make an Orange Julius would increase from about a minute to nearly 15 minutes.
"I understand the obstacles in opening an Orange Julius here, but I'm going full speed ahead," said Tiffany, who weighed in at 135 pounds, therefore staying within Tiffany at Breakfast co-owner Tim Shea's required weight range of between 135 and 140 pounds.
Tiffany is expected to face a firestorm of criticism during the public hearing that is required in order for the Orange Julius to be built.
"I'm nervous about the hearing, but I'm ready to face them," Tiffany said. "Basically, I'll listen to their complaints and then I'll tell them to just chill out. And what better way to do that than drinking a refreshing Orange Julius."
Plans for a roller grill to cook hot dogs and various sausages have been put on hold by Tiffany until the Amish "wake up and get into the 19th century and bring some electricity here," she said. "How do these Amish kids recharge their iPods? Man, that Frank Benjamin dude like never would have invented electricity if he knew these people."
Tiffany declined comment on the rumors that she also is planning to open a Sbarro Italian Eatery and Disney Store in the near future.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Shea waxes poetic about Tiffany's rack
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — As the Amish begin to adjust to life with Tiffany, Tiffany at Breakfast co-owner Tim Shea talked about the assets that the former mall singing sensation brings to the franchise.
"First, it's not like she's on the road all the time, so she'll have plenty of time to perform her co-owner duties," Shea said. "If(former co-owner) Thea (Andrews) wants to spend the rest of her life tracking down the Joey Buttafucco-Amy Fisher romance or some other 'shocking revelation,' then so be it."
Shea also revealed a clause in Tiffany's co-owner clause that she weigh between 134 and 140 pounds in order to stay at her "peak of adorability."
"I'm sure Tiffany would like to be lighter than that, but I adore her the way she is now," Shea said. "Anyway, once you start eating the foods that the Amish make, it's hard to look like a supermodel."
Shea then shocked the media assembled at Tuesday's press conference with a "shocking revelation."
"Has anyone checked out Tiffany's rack yet," Shea said.
"I love her rack," Shea continued. "She's got nutmeg, anise and cilantro — man, she has an incredible rack.
"Basil, cinnamon, cumin, sage — have you checked out her rack lately? It's one sensational rack.
"I never noticed her rack when she was at the peak of her popularity 20 years ago. I don't know if she had thyme, saffron or ginger then. But holy cow, her rack must have gotten a lot bigger after her second album. I mean, her rack really stands out.
"Not only does she have juniper and tarragon, but she even has asafoetida and nigella. That's a well-rounded rack.
"She talks about wanting to make her rack smaller, but you can't get rid of sesame or licorice or caraway. I mean, she has a perfect rack right now."
Upon hearing Shea's comments about Tiffany, radio sports talk show host Jim Rome said very little.
"Rack it," Rome said.
"First, it's not like she's on the road all the time, so she'll have plenty of time to perform her co-owner duties," Shea said. "If(former co-owner) Thea (Andrews) wants to spend the rest of her life tracking down the Joey Buttafucco-Amy Fisher romance or some other 'shocking revelation,' then so be it."
Shea also revealed a clause in Tiffany's co-owner clause that she weigh between 134 and 140 pounds in order to stay at her "peak of adorability."
"I'm sure Tiffany would like to be lighter than that, but I adore her the way she is now," Shea said. "Anyway, once you start eating the foods that the Amish make, it's hard to look like a supermodel."
Shea then shocked the media assembled at Tuesday's press conference with a "shocking revelation."
"Has anyone checked out Tiffany's rack yet," Shea said.
"I love her rack," Shea continued. "She's got nutmeg, anise and cilantro — man, she has an incredible rack.
"Basil, cinnamon, cumin, sage — have you checked out her rack lately? It's one sensational rack.
"I never noticed her rack when she was at the peak of her popularity 20 years ago. I don't know if she had thyme, saffron or ginger then. But holy cow, her rack must have gotten a lot bigger after her second album. I mean, her rack really stands out.
"Not only does she have juniper and tarragon, but she even has asafoetida and nigella. That's a well-rounded rack.
"She talks about wanting to make her rack smaller, but you can't get rid of sesame or licorice or caraway. I mean, she has a perfect rack right now."
Upon hearing Shea's comments about Tiffany, radio sports talk show host Jim Rome said very little.
"Rack it," Rome said.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Shea: TIffany would have been a 'cool girlfriend in college'
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Another reason for the ownership change for Tim Shea's fantasy football team emerged during a Memorial Day weekend press conference.
In an attempt to relive his drunken glory days at Indiana University of Pennsylvania, Shea said Tiffany, the team's new co-owner, is "somebody I'd have hit on if I was at a bar when I was at IUP."
"(Former co-owner) Thea (Andrews) is a beautiful women, but let's face it, I'd have needed about a case of I.C. Light to even begin thinking about trying to pick her up," Shea said. "With Tiffany, I might have only needed six to eight beers to start hitting on her."
Shea emphasized that he was referring to Tiffany as she is now and not while he was a senior in college.
"She was what, 16 years old, when I graduated from there," Shea said. "Can you say 'statutory rape'?"
"She really would have been a cool girlfriend in college," Shea continued. "She could have helped me through my History of Music class and I would have been cool with her. You know me — I'm 'Mr. Nice Guy,' and I'd have made sure to keep her happy at all costs because, basically, I was a really pathetic pushover. Of course, I still am."
Shea then began boring the media gathered with his ideal scenario for picking Tiffany up.
"It would have been a Thursday night and me and Chris (Edwards, his regular drinking buddy in college) would be heading out about 9 or 10 p.m.," Shea said. "This would have been while Chris was going through one of those breakups with Kim. Man, she could be a pain in the ass sometimes.
"But anyway, we'd head out to Ricupero's (a bar frequented by 'townies') and have a couple of drafts to warm up. We'd be sitting there talking about the hockey league we wanted to start up or the radio station we would buy.
"About 11 p.m., we'd walk down Main Street and figure out where to go next. We'd probably head down to Kangaroo's for a quick drink and see what the heck was going on. At this point, I'd go ahead and order a 'Blue Kangaroo,' which was a drink with several kinds of alcohol that ended up turning blue like the ocean, and then they'd put some Gummi Fish in there like they were swimming in the ocean. Man, did I get a stomach ache one time when I drank about four of those. God, that was awful.
"But anyway, there probably wouldn't be much going on at Kangaroo's, so you know what would happen then — time to head to the Coney Island.
"So we'd order a couple of beers and listen to the band that was playing for a while and watch the TV with the sound down. About midnight, Tiffany would come in the bar with one of her friends — I don't know, maybe Debbie Gibson — and they'd order something.
"So we'd walk past them — the bar's getting pretty crowded about now, so it's tough to move around. I'd see Tiffany and I'd smile at her and she'd smile back. Wouldn't say anything yet, I'm only about on my fourth beer at this point.
"But anyway, once we got past them and found someplace else to stand, Chris would say something like "What did you think of that blonde chick,' which would have been Debbie Gibson. I'd say 'She's cool. Her friend looks pretty nice.'
"So we'd go through this a couple of more times. We'd walk past and I'd smile at Tiffany and she'd smile back. Still not quite ready to hit on her at this point.
"About 1 a.m., people are starting to leave and tables start to open up, so Tiffany and Debbie sit down. At this point, Chris, who's more outgoing that I was in these situations, would start talking about going over and talking to them and seeing what's going on.
"So Chris would go over and say, 'Hey, how's it going?' I'd look at Tiffany and smile — AGAIN. Chris would be making small talk with Debbie and then she'd say, 'Hey, you guys want to sit down?' So, of course, we're going to accept the invitation. I mean, we're guys who've had a few beers being invited to sit down by two cute chicks. I don't think we're saying no.
"So Chris would start carrying the conversation. He'd say something about the band that was playing and Debbie would say something about the Johnny Rotten shirt that he always liked to wear. So they'd start talking about punk rock — yeah, imagine Debbie Gibson talking about puck rock. Whatever — and he'd get me and Tiffany into the conversation by asking her what kind of music she liked.
"She's say, 'Well, punk rock is cool, but I really am more into alternative — yeah, sure the real Tiffany probably hates the stuff, but just play along with me here. She'd say her favorite album was 'Night and Day' by Joe Jackson.
"So here's where I come in. I'd say, 'I LOVE that album. Oh my God, that's awesome.' So then, me and Tiffany are starting to talk about music, then I'd ask her about her major and where she's from and all that stuff. At this point, I'm definitely getting into 'pickup mode.'
"So it's 2 a.m. and it's time to leave. Chris would offer for us to walk them home. We'd say we want to make sure you guys are safe, but we'd really be thinking about how far we could get with them. I'm hoping at least to second base, but if I only get to first, OK, that's cool too.
"So Chris would put his arm around Debbie and would say, 'OK, let's go.' So I'd get up and extend my hand out to Tiffany so that she could get up. Except I don't let go of her hand and hope she's cool with it. And she doesn't let go! Man, that would be so cool!
"So we'd get over to their place and me and Tiffany start, like making out. Of course, in my inebriated state at that point, I'd try to extend the single into a double, but Tiffany would say something about not wanting to do that. I'd be like, 'OK,' so we'd just keep making out. You know me — 'Mr. Nice Guy.' I'm happy just to be in liplock at this point, so why screw that up?
"So then we'd actually keep seeing each other and she'd be my girlfriend. Is that like totally cool or what?"
Shea went on to say that this scenario actually happened during his senior year at IUP, except that he was the one with the "cute blonde" and Chris was with "the chunky chick with the darker hair." And it was only a one-night event and he never saw the "cute blonde" again.
When reached for comment, Edwards laughed and said, "Yeah, that actually did happen. He was with that Amy chick, and I was with, God, I can't remember her name."
Edwards also said that he definitely would not have tried to pick up Gibson, and expressed shock that Shea finally had gotten over his senior year crush on Kate Bush.
In an attempt to relive his drunken glory days at Indiana University of Pennsylvania, Shea said Tiffany, the team's new co-owner, is "somebody I'd have hit on if I was at a bar when I was at IUP."
"(Former co-owner) Thea (Andrews) is a beautiful women, but let's face it, I'd have needed about a case of I.C. Light to even begin thinking about trying to pick her up," Shea said. "With Tiffany, I might have only needed six to eight beers to start hitting on her."
Shea emphasized that he was referring to Tiffany as she is now and not while he was a senior in college.
"She was what, 16 years old, when I graduated from there," Shea said. "Can you say 'statutory rape'?"
"She really would have been a cool girlfriend in college," Shea continued. "She could have helped me through my History of Music class and I would have been cool with her. You know me — I'm 'Mr. Nice Guy,' and I'd have made sure to keep her happy at all costs because, basically, I was a really pathetic pushover. Of course, I still am."
Shea then began boring the media gathered with his ideal scenario for picking Tiffany up.
"It would have been a Thursday night and me and Chris (Edwards, his regular drinking buddy in college) would be heading out about 9 or 10 p.m.," Shea said. "This would have been while Chris was going through one of those breakups with Kim. Man, she could be a pain in the ass sometimes.
"But anyway, we'd head out to Ricupero's (a bar frequented by 'townies') and have a couple of drafts to warm up. We'd be sitting there talking about the hockey league we wanted to start up or the radio station we would buy.
"About 11 p.m., we'd walk down Main Street and figure out where to go next. We'd probably head down to Kangaroo's for a quick drink and see what the heck was going on. At this point, I'd go ahead and order a 'Blue Kangaroo,' which was a drink with several kinds of alcohol that ended up turning blue like the ocean, and then they'd put some Gummi Fish in there like they were swimming in the ocean. Man, did I get a stomach ache one time when I drank about four of those. God, that was awful.
"But anyway, there probably wouldn't be much going on at Kangaroo's, so you know what would happen then — time to head to the Coney Island.
"So we'd order a couple of beers and listen to the band that was playing for a while and watch the TV with the sound down. About midnight, Tiffany would come in the bar with one of her friends — I don't know, maybe Debbie Gibson — and they'd order something.
"So we'd walk past them — the bar's getting pretty crowded about now, so it's tough to move around. I'd see Tiffany and I'd smile at her and she'd smile back. Wouldn't say anything yet, I'm only about on my fourth beer at this point.
"But anyway, once we got past them and found someplace else to stand, Chris would say something like "What did you think of that blonde chick,' which would have been Debbie Gibson. I'd say 'She's cool. Her friend looks pretty nice.'
"So we'd go through this a couple of more times. We'd walk past and I'd smile at Tiffany and she'd smile back. Still not quite ready to hit on her at this point.
"About 1 a.m., people are starting to leave and tables start to open up, so Tiffany and Debbie sit down. At this point, Chris, who's more outgoing that I was in these situations, would start talking about going over and talking to them and seeing what's going on.
"So Chris would go over and say, 'Hey, how's it going?' I'd look at Tiffany and smile — AGAIN. Chris would be making small talk with Debbie and then she'd say, 'Hey, you guys want to sit down?' So, of course, we're going to accept the invitation. I mean, we're guys who've had a few beers being invited to sit down by two cute chicks. I don't think we're saying no.
"So Chris would start carrying the conversation. He'd say something about the band that was playing and Debbie would say something about the Johnny Rotten shirt that he always liked to wear. So they'd start talking about punk rock — yeah, imagine Debbie Gibson talking about puck rock. Whatever — and he'd get me and Tiffany into the conversation by asking her what kind of music she liked.
"She's say, 'Well, punk rock is cool, but I really am more into alternative — yeah, sure the real Tiffany probably hates the stuff, but just play along with me here. She'd say her favorite album was 'Night and Day' by Joe Jackson.
"So here's where I come in. I'd say, 'I LOVE that album. Oh my God, that's awesome.' So then, me and Tiffany are starting to talk about music, then I'd ask her about her major and where she's from and all that stuff. At this point, I'm definitely getting into 'pickup mode.'
"So it's 2 a.m. and it's time to leave. Chris would offer for us to walk them home. We'd say we want to make sure you guys are safe, but we'd really be thinking about how far we could get with them. I'm hoping at least to second base, but if I only get to first, OK, that's cool too.
"So Chris would put his arm around Debbie and would say, 'OK, let's go.' So I'd get up and extend my hand out to Tiffany so that she could get up. Except I don't let go of her hand and hope she's cool with it. And she doesn't let go! Man, that would be so cool!
"So we'd get over to their place and me and Tiffany start, like making out. Of course, in my inebriated state at that point, I'd try to extend the single into a double, but Tiffany would say something about not wanting to do that. I'd be like, 'OK,' so we'd just keep making out. You know me — 'Mr. Nice Guy.' I'm happy just to be in liplock at this point, so why screw that up?
"So then we'd actually keep seeing each other and she'd be my girlfriend. Is that like totally cool or what?"
Shea went on to say that this scenario actually happened during his senior year at IUP, except that he was the one with the "cute blonde" and Chris was with "the chunky chick with the darker hair." And it was only a one-night event and he never saw the "cute blonde" again.
When reached for comment, Edwards laughed and said, "Yeah, that actually did happen. He was with that Amy chick, and I was with, God, I can't remember her name."
Edwards also said that he definitely would not have tried to pick up Gibson, and expressed shock that Shea finally had gotten over his senior year crush on Kate Bush.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
I don't think we're alone now — Tiffany is new co-owner of Shea's fantasy team
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Move over Thea Andrews — a new fantasy football era is set to begin.
After several months of agony, the "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent has left her role as co-owner of Tim Shea's 2006 championship fantasy football team.
The new owner — Tiffany, the famous mall singer and current cast member of VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club."
With the ownership change comes a team name change as well.
Goodbye "Probing Thea Andrews." Hello "Tiffany at Breakfast."
The wheels began turning on the ownership change several months ago as Andrews, former co-host of ESPN's "Cold Pizza," began her new job as an "ET" correspondent.
Andrews now is pursuing every possible angle of the Anna Nicole Smith saga — the lost Malibu tapes, the millions that baby Danielynn will inherit — and in a mutual agreement, said she no longer will serve as Shea's co-owner.
"Thea just became way too obsessed with Anna Nicole," Shea said. "She was taking planes to Bermuda, California, Texas ... she just had no time to serve in her role as co-owner, which is basically to make me happy and take care of my needs."
Shea said the last straw was when he overheard Andrews during a phone conversation.
"It just freaked me out," Shea said. "She was saying, 'Hi Danielynn, this is your Aunt Thea. I miss you sooooo much.' It was time for her to go"
Shea said Andrews' alleged engagement and blonder hair had little to do with the decision.
"We wish Thea the best of luck in her endeavors," Shea said. "It's just time to move on."
After considering several other options, now moving into Amish country is Tiffany, the 35-year-old mall singer who is still living off her 15 minutes of fame.
Tiffany's biggest adjustment as the new co-owner will be the lack of malls in the area.
"I'm glad I'm here, but I don't know how my career is going to survive," Tiffany said. "It's a nice area, but where's the Orange Julius or Piercing Pagoda? Don't the Amish realize how good an Orange Julius really is?"
Shea said he made his decision after seeing Tiffany on "Celebrity Fit Club."
"Wow, she is just ADORABLE," Shea said. "Thank God she's still living off her 15 mintues of fame. If not for VH1, I'd have never even thought of her as an owner."
Shea is hoping Tiffany will start her role as co-owner, which is basically to make him happy and take care of his needs, as soon as possible.
"She still wants to lose weight? God, she's fine now," Shea said. "She needs to get away from Dustin Diamond (Screech from "Saved by the Bell") and get here ASAP."
None of the other league owners commented on the move, saying they were too busy trying to get in touch with Debbie Gibson's agent.
After several months of agony, the "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent has left her role as co-owner of Tim Shea's 2006 championship fantasy football team.
The new owner — Tiffany, the famous mall singer and current cast member of VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club."
With the ownership change comes a team name change as well.
Goodbye "Probing Thea Andrews." Hello "Tiffany at Breakfast."
The wheels began turning on the ownership change several months ago as Andrews, former co-host of ESPN's "Cold Pizza," began her new job as an "ET" correspondent.
Andrews now is pursuing every possible angle of the Anna Nicole Smith saga — the lost Malibu tapes, the millions that baby Danielynn will inherit — and in a mutual agreement, said she no longer will serve as Shea's co-owner.
"Thea just became way too obsessed with Anna Nicole," Shea said. "She was taking planes to Bermuda, California, Texas ... she just had no time to serve in her role as co-owner, which is basically to make me happy and take care of my needs."
Shea said the last straw was when he overheard Andrews during a phone conversation.
"It just freaked me out," Shea said. "She was saying, 'Hi Danielynn, this is your Aunt Thea. I miss you sooooo much.' It was time for her to go"
Shea said Andrews' alleged engagement and blonder hair had little to do with the decision.
"We wish Thea the best of luck in her endeavors," Shea said. "It's just time to move on."
After considering several other options, now moving into Amish country is Tiffany, the 35-year-old mall singer who is still living off her 15 minutes of fame.
Tiffany's biggest adjustment as the new co-owner will be the lack of malls in the area.
"I'm glad I'm here, but I don't know how my career is going to survive," Tiffany said. "It's a nice area, but where's the Orange Julius or Piercing Pagoda? Don't the Amish realize how good an Orange Julius really is?"
Shea said he made his decision after seeing Tiffany on "Celebrity Fit Club."
"Wow, she is just ADORABLE," Shea said. "Thank God she's still living off her 15 mintues of fame. If not for VH1, I'd have never even thought of her as an owner."
Shea is hoping Tiffany will start her role as co-owner, which is basically to make him happy and take care of his needs, as soon as possible.
"She still wants to lose weight? God, she's fine now," Shea said. "She needs to get away from Dustin Diamond (Screech from "Saved by the Bell") and get here ASAP."
None of the other league owners commented on the move, saying they were too busy trying to get in touch with Debbie Gibson's agent.
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