INTERCOURSE, Pa. — With the Showering with Tiffany roster set for the 2007 fantasy football season, co-owner Tim Shea expressed satisfaction that he was able to draft four running backs in the first six rounds of Sunday's draft.
Meanwhile, stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany, aka "Wittle Snookums," expressed her satisfaction that Shea drafted "a wide receiver who can dance."
"Me and that Ocho Cinco dude (wide receiver Chad Johnson) are going into business together," a delighted Tiffany said at Friday's Showering with Tiffany media day. "I've tried to talk Tim into opening a dance studio with me, but he says he hates to dance. So I'm so glad that Ocho Cinco agreed to be my partner in my new business."
Tiffany expressed confidence that the predominantly Amish residents of Intercourse would embrace her latest business venture.
"I know these Amish kids will take advantage of the many services we plan to offer," the mall singer said. "They can learn about ballroom dancing if they want, but me and Ocho Cinco are going to specialize in more modern dances. I can't wait to see these Amish kids bump and grind it on the dance floor."
Jonas Yoder, a junior at Intercourse High School, disagreed with Tiffany's assessment that the business would take off.
"We're not allowed to dance or listen to music or play instruments," Yoder said. "This woman you call Tiffany is a complete outsider in our way of life. She keeps asking me if I have ever gotten any of her text messages. She is — how would you English say it — a total moron."
A befuddled Tiffany rolled her eyes when she heard of Yoder's comments.
"Not allowed to dance?" the mall singer asked. "I mean, do you have to listen to your parents all the time? These inbred kids who I call my new friends need to loosen up a little bit. Once they see 'Dirty Dancing,' they all will change their minds. Just wait and see."
Johnson expressed guarded optimism about the prospects for the dance studio, and hopes the Amish will adjust to his off-the-wall sense of humor.
"I'm trying to play practical jokes with these people, but they're not responding the way I hoped they would," the wide receiver said. "I'm all about entertaining the fans. I keep telling them about all of the touchdown celebrations I have planned for this season, but they don't seem to care. These people are pretty boring so far. They're like a bunch of Atlanta Falcons fans."
Later during the media day event, Tiffany started heaping praise on quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, which eventually led to another confrontation with the Showering with Tiffany beat writers.
"Man, now I know why they call you 'Big Ben,'" Tiffany said. "Man, you are SOOOOOOO big."
Roethlisberger thanked Tiffany for the comment as running backs Frank Gore, Deuce McAllister and Cedric Benson laughed behind the mall singer's back.
"I mean, look at the size of this dude," Tiffany said. "You're bigger than average. God, I'm getting so excited seeing how big you are."
As the media members began laughing out loud, Tiffany turned her attention to them.
"Why is it that you freakazoids start laughing every time I open my mouth," the mall singer said. "You guys are all so lame-o. You all wish you were as big as Ben. Just because I start talking about a guy who is so big doesn't mean you start laughing at me. Can't you understand me? Is it that hard?"
As the media members continued laughing, an enraged Tiffany spewed some more invective their way.
"You morons are just a bunch of stiffs," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "All I've done since I've been here is be nice to you guys and you treat me like garbage. I mean, I can't until you guys get what's coming to you."
Tiffany stormed away from the media gathering and into the arms of Shea, who was talking to the mall singer's new business partner.
"I'm sorry, honey," Shea said. "It'll be OK. I'll just go ahead and spring Johnson on them."
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Taco Bell open; The Gap is next
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — A grand opening ceremony was held Thursday for the new Taco Bell in Intercourse, the second business that Tiffany has opened in the backward Amish community.
"Well, we're still waiting for some customers to come here, but we're open for business," the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," said Thursday afternoon. "I guess all of the Amish people are going to come for dinner tonight. I know those burritos grande are going to be a hot seller tonight. Mmmmm yummy!"
Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise with Tim Shea, also announced plans to open a Gap retail store in the near future.
According to preliminary plans, The Gap would be next to Orange Julius and would have enough parking for 12 horses and buggies.
"These Amish people are pretty reserved, and I think opening a Gap will help them open up a little bit," the mall singer said. "Why do they wear all of those black and white clothes? BORINGGGGGGG!"
A couple of Amish residents expressed dismay over Tiffany's latest retail venture.
"I will never shop at The Gap, unless they sell wool black and white clothes," Ebenezer Ebersole said. "We're tired of all of these modern-day businesses that woman keeps opening. Nobody is going to shop there. Why can't we just stay in the 18th century like we always have?"
A miffed Tiffany rolled her eyes when she learned of Ebersole's remarks.
"You know, I'm just so sick and tired of these inbreds who I call my friends not wanting me to open any businesses here," the mall singer said. "I mean, why do these Amish dudes want to wear the clothes they have now when they can start wearing fleece hoodies in a wide variety of colors?
"And those bonnets and plain dresses the girls are wearing just do nothing for them. Why not show some cleavage and sex things up? Would it kill them to show off their belly buttons once in a great while?"
A preliminary plat for Tiffany's latest business venture is expected to pass the Intercourse Planning Commission, with a public hearing to be scheduled.
With public hearings for the first two businesses turning into heated meetings, Tiffany is expecting the same thing to happen at the next one.
"It's time for these Amish freakazoids to like take a pill and accept change," Tiffany said. "Instead of having meatloaf and going to church, how about having a refreshing Orange Julius and shopping at The Gap. They just want to do the same thing day after day after day. Hello? You people are BORINGGGGGG."
Tiffany was optimistic that the Amish would soon start patronizing her current businesses, as well as possible future enterprises.
"Maybe I'm just not in tune with what the Amish want yet," the mall singer said. "I guess I'm trying to bring these people into the 20th century a little too soon. Maybe I'll open something they could use right now, like a video game store or Claire's Boutique."
"Well, we're still waiting for some customers to come here, but we're open for business," the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," said Thursday afternoon. "I guess all of the Amish people are going to come for dinner tonight. I know those burritos grande are going to be a hot seller tonight. Mmmmm yummy!"
Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise with Tim Shea, also announced plans to open a Gap retail store in the near future.
According to preliminary plans, The Gap would be next to Orange Julius and would have enough parking for 12 horses and buggies.
"These Amish people are pretty reserved, and I think opening a Gap will help them open up a little bit," the mall singer said. "Why do they wear all of those black and white clothes? BORINGGGGGGG!"
A couple of Amish residents expressed dismay over Tiffany's latest retail venture.
"I will never shop at The Gap, unless they sell wool black and white clothes," Ebenezer Ebersole said. "We're tired of all of these modern-day businesses that woman keeps opening. Nobody is going to shop there. Why can't we just stay in the 18th century like we always have?"
A miffed Tiffany rolled her eyes when she learned of Ebersole's remarks.
"You know, I'm just so sick and tired of these inbreds who I call my friends not wanting me to open any businesses here," the mall singer said. "I mean, why do these Amish dudes want to wear the clothes they have now when they can start wearing fleece hoodies in a wide variety of colors?
"And those bonnets and plain dresses the girls are wearing just do nothing for them. Why not show some cleavage and sex things up? Would it kill them to show off their belly buttons once in a great while?"
A preliminary plat for Tiffany's latest business venture is expected to pass the Intercourse Planning Commission, with a public hearing to be scheduled.
With public hearings for the first two businesses turning into heated meetings, Tiffany is expecting the same thing to happen at the next one.
"It's time for these Amish freakazoids to like take a pill and accept change," Tiffany said. "Instead of having meatloaf and going to church, how about having a refreshing Orange Julius and shopping at The Gap. They just want to do the same thing day after day after day. Hello? You people are BORINGGGGGG."
Tiffany was optimistic that the Amish would soon start patronizing her current businesses, as well as possible future enterprises.
"Maybe I'm just not in tune with what the Amish want yet," the mall singer said. "I guess I'm trying to bring these people into the 20th century a little too soon. Maybe I'll open something they could use right now, like a video game store or Claire's Boutique."
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tiffany wants to spend romantic weekend on TMI
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Wednesday's press briefing by Showering with Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea turned into another tumultuous encounter between Tiffany and members of the media.
As Shea gave an update on quarterback rankings, the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," interjected with her opinion on who should be the first quarterback taken.
"Did you guys see the Hall of Fame game the other night?" Tiffany asked the media throng. "How about that quarterback who was like throwing the ball?"
"Drew Brees?" one sportswriter asked.
"No, one of the Pittsburgh dudes," Tiffany replied.
Media members started snickering when they thought the mall singer was referring to Ben Roethlisberger, but began laughing when they found out Tiffany was referring to "that other dude, you know, that St. something — some German name."
After Shea said the chances of drafting Brian St. Pierre were about the same as "spending a weekend on Three Mile Island," the press conference turned from the sublime to the hysterical.
"Three Mile Island? Oh sweetie, that sounds so romantic," Tiffany said. "Let's go away this weekend. Please, please, please? God, I feel like I'm glowing."
While a befuddled Shea struggled to respond, the mall singer continued talking about her planned getaway.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Tiffany asked. "Oh, don't worry about how much it's going to cost. We need some alone time. Should I bring my swimsuit or are we just going to spend the entire weekend indoors?"
Shea replied by saying that they would have plenty of privacy, but the accommodations left much to be desired.
"Oh, then let's go camping," the mall singer replied. "We can make some S'mores and I'm sure there will be water somewhere. It's going to suck not having a microwave though."
Tiffany then turned to the sportswriters, who were on the floor rolling in laughter, and spewed some invective in their direction.
"You know, I'm so tired of how immature you guys are," Tiffany said. "You're all jealous because you can't spend a romantic weekend with my sweetie on Three Mile Island. Man, you morons are like going nuclear."
As the sportswriters continued to laugh, a flustered Tiffany became even more enraged.
"I'm so like sick and tired of you guys making fun of me," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "You're all so totally lame-o. I try being nice to you guys and this is the thanks I get? That's fine. If you guys want to see me have a meltdown, well congratulations. You're nothing but a bunch of freakazoids who like Debbie Gibson. I hate you!"
Tiffany left the stage briefly, then returned.
"Hey honey, I've got an even better idea than Three Mile Island," she said. "Let's just get as far away from these sportswriter jerks as we can. There are plenty of islands in the Pacific we can go to and never leave. So how do you get to Alcatraz?"
As Shea gave an update on quarterback rankings, the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," interjected with her opinion on who should be the first quarterback taken.
"Did you guys see the Hall of Fame game the other night?" Tiffany asked the media throng. "How about that quarterback who was like throwing the ball?"
"Drew Brees?" one sportswriter asked.
"No, one of the Pittsburgh dudes," Tiffany replied.
Media members started snickering when they thought the mall singer was referring to Ben Roethlisberger, but began laughing when they found out Tiffany was referring to "that other dude, you know, that St. something — some German name."
After Shea said the chances of drafting Brian St. Pierre were about the same as "spending a weekend on Three Mile Island," the press conference turned from the sublime to the hysterical.
"Three Mile Island? Oh sweetie, that sounds so romantic," Tiffany said. "Let's go away this weekend. Please, please, please? God, I feel like I'm glowing."
While a befuddled Shea struggled to respond, the mall singer continued talking about her planned getaway.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Tiffany asked. "Oh, don't worry about how much it's going to cost. We need some alone time. Should I bring my swimsuit or are we just going to spend the entire weekend indoors?"
Shea replied by saying that they would have plenty of privacy, but the accommodations left much to be desired.
"Oh, then let's go camping," the mall singer replied. "We can make some S'mores and I'm sure there will be water somewhere. It's going to suck not having a microwave though."
Tiffany then turned to the sportswriters, who were on the floor rolling in laughter, and spewed some invective in their direction.
"You know, I'm so tired of how immature you guys are," Tiffany said. "You're all jealous because you can't spend a romantic weekend with my sweetie on Three Mile Island. Man, you morons are like going nuclear."
As the sportswriters continued to laugh, a flustered Tiffany became even more enraged.
"I'm so like sick and tired of you guys making fun of me," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "You're all so totally lame-o. I try being nice to you guys and this is the thanks I get? That's fine. If you guys want to see me have a meltdown, well congratulations. You're nothing but a bunch of freakazoids who like Debbie Gibson. I hate you!"
Tiffany left the stage briefly, then returned.
"Hey honey, I've got an even better idea than Three Mile Island," she said. "Let's just get as far away from these sportswriter jerks as we can. There are plenty of islands in the Pacific we can go to and never leave. So how do you get to Alcatraz?"
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Tiffany causes commotion at Clear Spring carnival
CLEAR SPRING, Md. — Another visit to Washington County meant another dose of trouble for mall singer Tiffany.
The stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer visited the Clear Spring Fireman's Carnival on Saturday night and "caused nothing but a heap of trouble," according to a person who attended the event.
The night started when Tim Shea, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise and the love of Tiffany's life, suggested the couple spend a night at the Clear Spring carnival.
The mall singer immediately became upset when the event failed to live up to her expectations.
"Man Tim, this is like so lame-o," Tiffany said. "I thought this was going to be cool. Where's the water rides and the roller coasters?"
Tiffany reluctantly agreed to stay after Shea told her that the carnival was "as American as hockey and Toyota."
But Tiffany caused more trouble when she went to a concession stand specializing in hamburgers, hot dogs and "American fries."
"Do you guys have any tacos?" Tiffany asked. "Man, I am starving for some good Mexican food. Mmmm mmmm."
After being told "Hey lady, this is America here. We don't serve that stuff," Tiffany relented and asked for some Oreo cookies she saw, not knowing that the concession stand was selling "Deep Fried Oreos."
"Hey, how much for the cookies, dude?" Tiffany asked.
Upon being told they would cost $4, Tiffany rolled her eyes.
"OK, I'll take them," a befuddled Tiffany said. "Jesus, what a ripoff."
The man then stuck the Oreos into a deep fryer, and Tiffany jumped at the man.
"Hey, give me my cookies, you moron," Tiffany said. "I mean, they're already done when they're in the package. They don't need to be cooked. Man, have you freaks like ever eaten these. Don't they sell them here in Virginia?"
Tiffany then caused another disturbance while a bluegrass band performed. The mall singer asked if the group would play a special request.
"Hey guys, can you like do 'I Think We're Alone Now' by Tiffany?" she asked. "That song is so cool."
The crowd immediately showed its displeasure, and members of the bluegrass band started rolling over in laughter.
"Hello? Tiffany? Don't you know who I'm talking about?" Tiffany said. "I like did that song in the '80s. Didn't you ever hear of it?"
Tiffany then got on the stage and wrestled the microphone away from the lead singer and began belting out her classic hit a capella before deputies with the Washington County Sheriff's Department were able to play "taser tag" and took her to the ground.
"Man, stop using that shock thingy," an enraged Tiffany said. "All I wanted was a taco and I'm being treated like a criminal. Save it for Debbie Gibson. I hate her."
As the night ended, the mall singer left with an inflatable SpongeBob SquarePants doll that Shea won for her by making free throws at a carnival game and minus $65 between spending money on Bingo games and tip jars.
"Please Tim, get us back to Intercourse sweetie," a tearful Tiffany said while Shea consoled the mall singer by calling her "my wittle snookums." "I can't handle this anymore. Don't ever bring me hear again. Get me back with those normal Amish inbreds."
The stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer visited the Clear Spring Fireman's Carnival on Saturday night and "caused nothing but a heap of trouble," according to a person who attended the event.
The night started when Tim Shea, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise and the love of Tiffany's life, suggested the couple spend a night at the Clear Spring carnival.
The mall singer immediately became upset when the event failed to live up to her expectations.
"Man Tim, this is like so lame-o," Tiffany said. "I thought this was going to be cool. Where's the water rides and the roller coasters?"
Tiffany reluctantly agreed to stay after Shea told her that the carnival was "as American as hockey and Toyota."
But Tiffany caused more trouble when she went to a concession stand specializing in hamburgers, hot dogs and "American fries."
"Do you guys have any tacos?" Tiffany asked. "Man, I am starving for some good Mexican food. Mmmm mmmm."
After being told "Hey lady, this is America here. We don't serve that stuff," Tiffany relented and asked for some Oreo cookies she saw, not knowing that the concession stand was selling "Deep Fried Oreos."
"Hey, how much for the cookies, dude?" Tiffany asked.
Upon being told they would cost $4, Tiffany rolled her eyes.
"OK, I'll take them," a befuddled Tiffany said. "Jesus, what a ripoff."
The man then stuck the Oreos into a deep fryer, and Tiffany jumped at the man.
"Hey, give me my cookies, you moron," Tiffany said. "I mean, they're already done when they're in the package. They don't need to be cooked. Man, have you freaks like ever eaten these. Don't they sell them here in Virginia?"
Tiffany then caused another disturbance while a bluegrass band performed. The mall singer asked if the group would play a special request.
"Hey guys, can you like do 'I Think We're Alone Now' by Tiffany?" she asked. "That song is so cool."
The crowd immediately showed its displeasure, and members of the bluegrass band started rolling over in laughter.
"Hello? Tiffany? Don't you know who I'm talking about?" Tiffany said. "I like did that song in the '80s. Didn't you ever hear of it?"
Tiffany then got on the stage and wrestled the microphone away from the lead singer and began belting out her classic hit a capella before deputies with the Washington County Sheriff's Department were able to play "taser tag" and took her to the ground.
"Man, stop using that shock thingy," an enraged Tiffany said. "All I wanted was a taco and I'm being treated like a criminal. Save it for Debbie Gibson. I hate her."
As the night ended, the mall singer left with an inflatable SpongeBob SquarePants doll that Shea won for her by making free throws at a carnival game and minus $65 between spending money on Bingo games and tip jars.
"Please Tim, get us back to Intercourse sweetie," a tearful Tiffany said while Shea consoled the mall singer by calling her "my wittle snookums." "I can't handle this anymore. Don't ever bring me hear again. Get me back with those normal Amish inbreds."
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Tiffany: We'll make Vick our first pick
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering With Tiffany fantasy football franchise, tipped off several members of the media on Tuesday about her hopes for the soon-to-be-scheduled fantasy football draft.
"I may not know a lot about fantasy football, but I do know this — we need Michael Vick," Tiffany said. "I hope Tim (Shea, Tiffany's co-owner and the love of her life) goes along with me. We're trying to defend our title and we're in for a dogfight."
As sportswriters tried unsuccessfully to stifle their laughter, Tiffany tried to set them straight.
"Uh, hello. Michael Vick like runs with the football and he like throws the football, too," Tiffany declared. "I mean, he's going to lead the league in rebounds, don't you think? If Tim doesn't pick him, he's going to be in my doghouse, I'll tell you that."
Vick, who allegedly has been involved in a dogfighting ring in Virginia, has been told by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to stay away from training camp pending a league investigation into the accusations.
A befuddled Tiffany starting hurling insults at the sportswriters, who were on the ground rolling while laughing at the mall singer.
"You guys are like so immature," Tiffany said. "I say we're going to draft Michael Vick and you start acting like I'm a freakazoid from another planet like Mars or wherever Spock was from. You just wish you were as great as Vick. You guys must have been dogging it in high school. Oh, whatever!"
A flustered Tiffany stormed away from the media gathering and into the arms of Shea, who consoled her.
"Honey, haven't you heard about Vick not playing football this year," Shea said as Tiffany fought back tears. "It's OK, sweetheart. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. I'm sorry those doggone sportswriters made my wittle snookums cry."
A smile then came to Tiffany's face when Shea said he had a surprise for her.
"Honey, I went to Taco Bell in Lancaster today," Shea said. "Mmmm, that stuff was good. And I saved some tacos for you. I've got them at home in a doggie bag."
"I may not know a lot about fantasy football, but I do know this — we need Michael Vick," Tiffany said. "I hope Tim (Shea, Tiffany's co-owner and the love of her life) goes along with me. We're trying to defend our title and we're in for a dogfight."
As sportswriters tried unsuccessfully to stifle their laughter, Tiffany tried to set them straight.
"Uh, hello. Michael Vick like runs with the football and he like throws the football, too," Tiffany declared. "I mean, he's going to lead the league in rebounds, don't you think? If Tim doesn't pick him, he's going to be in my doghouse, I'll tell you that."
Vick, who allegedly has been involved in a dogfighting ring in Virginia, has been told by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to stay away from training camp pending a league investigation into the accusations.
A befuddled Tiffany starting hurling insults at the sportswriters, who were on the ground rolling while laughing at the mall singer.
"You guys are like so immature," Tiffany said. "I say we're going to draft Michael Vick and you start acting like I'm a freakazoid from another planet like Mars or wherever Spock was from. You just wish you were as great as Vick. You guys must have been dogging it in high school. Oh, whatever!"
A flustered Tiffany stormed away from the media gathering and into the arms of Shea, who consoled her.
"Honey, haven't you heard about Vick not playing football this year," Shea said as Tiffany fought back tears. "It's OK, sweetheart. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. I'm sorry those doggone sportswriters made my wittle snookums cry."
A smile then came to Tiffany's face when Shea said he had a surprise for her.
"Honey, I went to Taco Bell in Lancaster today," Shea said. "Mmmm, that stuff was good. And I saved some tacos for you. I've got them at home in a doggie bag."
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Tiffany thinks people are at Borders to buy her CD
HAGERSTOWN, Md. — As Showering with Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea gave stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany a tour of his former hometown on Friday, a crowd gathered at the Centre at Hagerstown caught the attention of the couple.
"We saw this long line of people at Borders and I drove over that way to check it out," Shea said. "Tiffany got all excited because she thought everybody was lined up to buy her CD (Just Me). I told her I wasn't sure about that because I heard there was some stupid fantasy book that supposedly was being released at midnight."
Tiffany got out of Shea's Hummer and approached the crowd, which was lined up all the way to Payless Shoe Source.
"Wow you guys, I can't believe you all want my CD," Tiffany said. "I hope they ordered enough of them so nobody goes home disappointed."
Many in the crowd snickered as Tiffany walked away in an attempt to enter the bookstore.
"Mommy, who was that?" a young boy asked. "I wonder if she's going to be Miverva McGonagall in the next movie."
Security personnel on hand at the bookstore had to restrain Tiffany as well as deal with a rowdy bunch of adolescents and alleged adults, many of whom believed the mall singer was trying to cut in line to ensure she received a copy of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," the final book in the fantasy series by J.K. Rowling.
"Hey dudes, like take it easy," Tiffany said. "There's plenty of CDs to go around. I know this place has a couple of hundred of them in stock. Gee, they're acting like some book is coming out at midnight. Get a life, people."
Tiffany eventually was taken to the ground and tasered by officers with the Hagerstown Police Department.
"Dude, like stop trying to shock me," Tiffany said after being tasered for the fourth time. "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Save it for Debbie Gibson, you freakazoids."
Calm eventually was restored, and Tiffany was able to enter the bookstore after 200 others filed in.
"Man Tim, is this like 'The Planet of the Morons?'" Tiffany said after finally getting to take a closer look at the crowd. "What's with all of these stupid capes and hats? Is this a magician convention or something?"
Tiffany once again was angered when she accidentally was poked in the rear end by a wand being carried by an unidentified middle-aged man dressed as Ron Weasley.
"Hey dude, like watch where you're sticking that thing," Tiffany said to the stunned youth. "Gee whiz, like get your hormones under control. I'll sign your CD, but that's all you're getting from me, you pervert."
Tiffany left Borders without signing any CDs and armed with a copy of the final Harry Potter book.
"Everybody says this is a cool book, so I'll have to take it back to Intercourse," Tiffany said. "I can't wait to read it to my class. People were saying there was stuff like witchcraft and magic in this thing. Oh man, those Amish kids are going to love it! This is a huge book! Maybe I should just skip right to the end."
"We saw this long line of people at Borders and I drove over that way to check it out," Shea said. "Tiffany got all excited because she thought everybody was lined up to buy her CD (Just Me). I told her I wasn't sure about that because I heard there was some stupid fantasy book that supposedly was being released at midnight."
Tiffany got out of Shea's Hummer and approached the crowd, which was lined up all the way to Payless Shoe Source.
"Wow you guys, I can't believe you all want my CD," Tiffany said. "I hope they ordered enough of them so nobody goes home disappointed."
Many in the crowd snickered as Tiffany walked away in an attempt to enter the bookstore.
"Mommy, who was that?" a young boy asked. "I wonder if she's going to be Miverva McGonagall in the next movie."
Security personnel on hand at the bookstore had to restrain Tiffany as well as deal with a rowdy bunch of adolescents and alleged adults, many of whom believed the mall singer was trying to cut in line to ensure she received a copy of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," the final book in the fantasy series by J.K. Rowling.
"Hey dudes, like take it easy," Tiffany said. "There's plenty of CDs to go around. I know this place has a couple of hundred of them in stock. Gee, they're acting like some book is coming out at midnight. Get a life, people."
Tiffany eventually was taken to the ground and tasered by officers with the Hagerstown Police Department.
"Dude, like stop trying to shock me," Tiffany said after being tasered for the fourth time. "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Save it for Debbie Gibson, you freakazoids."
Calm eventually was restored, and Tiffany was able to enter the bookstore after 200 others filed in.
"Man Tim, is this like 'The Planet of the Morons?'" Tiffany said after finally getting to take a closer look at the crowd. "What's with all of these stupid capes and hats? Is this a magician convention or something?"
Tiffany once again was angered when she accidentally was poked in the rear end by a wand being carried by an unidentified middle-aged man dressed as Ron Weasley.
"Hey dude, like watch where you're sticking that thing," Tiffany said to the stunned youth. "Gee whiz, like get your hormones under control. I'll sign your CD, but that's all you're getting from me, you pervert."
Tiffany left Borders without signing any CDs and armed with a copy of the final Harry Potter book.
"Everybody says this is a cool book, so I'll have to take it back to Intercourse," Tiffany said. "I can't wait to read it to my class. People were saying there was stuff like witchcraft and magic in this thing. Oh man, those Amish kids are going to love it! This is a huge book! Maybe I should just skip right to the end."
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Doctors: Tiffany suffering from 'mall withdrawal'
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — After 10 days of medical testing both locally and at several world-renowned hospitals, a spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control finally revealed what the mysterious illness is that is plaguing 35-year-old stunningly beautiful mall singer Tiffany.
The diagnosis: Mall withdrawal.
"The symptoms of mall withdrawal are similar to those of other addictive diseases," CDC spokesman Jim Nasium said Saturday. "Tiffany is feeling very tired and is in a seriously weakened condition. She has to fight her way through this and not be exposed to stores like Claire's Boutique and The Great American Steak and Potato Company."
Nasium suggested that Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise, establish a 12-step program for recovering "mall-aholics" since she is the first person to be documented with the disease.
"I'm sure there are thousands of people, particulary young women, who continue to suffer in silence," Nasium said. "Tiffany can serve as an inspiration to them and show them that they can cope with this disease."
Tiffany's medical crisis began on the Fourth of July, when she was found slumped over the steering wheel of a buggy and begging anyone within earshot to take her to American Eagle Outfitters.
Tim Shea, Tiffany's fellow co-owner and the love of her life, immediately took Tiffany to an Intercourse doctor, who diagnosed the mall singer with a mild case of the flu.
"I could tell it was much worse than that when I started teasing her about all of the things I can do with my iPhone and she didn't even respond," Shea said. "So I used my GPS tracker and found the nearest world-renowned hospital."
Among the medical facilities that Tiffany and Shea visited were Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore and the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.
"I thought she was close to a goner when I told her we were going to the Mayo Clinic and she said she really wanted two burritos grande and a large plate of nachos instead," Shea said. "Thank God for the CDC in the end. Although they at first wanted her to be quarantined with that guy who had tuberculosis."
Tiffany is resting comfortable at home and is scheduled to return to her normal co-ownership duties this week.
Upon learning of the news, experts on Wall Street said they expect the prices for shares of stock for The Disney Store and The Gap will plummet more than 50 percent shortly after trading opens Monday.
The diagnosis: Mall withdrawal.
"The symptoms of mall withdrawal are similar to those of other addictive diseases," CDC spokesman Jim Nasium said Saturday. "Tiffany is feeling very tired and is in a seriously weakened condition. She has to fight her way through this and not be exposed to stores like Claire's Boutique and The Great American Steak and Potato Company."
Nasium suggested that Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise, establish a 12-step program for recovering "mall-aholics" since she is the first person to be documented with the disease.
"I'm sure there are thousands of people, particulary young women, who continue to suffer in silence," Nasium said. "Tiffany can serve as an inspiration to them and show them that they can cope with this disease."
Tiffany's medical crisis began on the Fourth of July, when she was found slumped over the steering wheel of a buggy and begging anyone within earshot to take her to American Eagle Outfitters.
Tim Shea, Tiffany's fellow co-owner and the love of her life, immediately took Tiffany to an Intercourse doctor, who diagnosed the mall singer with a mild case of the flu.
"I could tell it was much worse than that when I started teasing her about all of the things I can do with my iPhone and she didn't even respond," Shea said. "So I used my GPS tracker and found the nearest world-renowned hospital."
Among the medical facilities that Tiffany and Shea visited were Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore and the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.
"I thought she was close to a goner when I told her we were going to the Mayo Clinic and she said she really wanted two burritos grande and a large plate of nachos instead," Shea said. "Thank God for the CDC in the end. Although they at first wanted her to be quarantined with that guy who had tuberculosis."
Tiffany is resting comfortable at home and is scheduled to return to her normal co-ownership duties this week.
Upon learning of the news, experts on Wall Street said they expect the prices for shares of stock for The Disney Store and The Gap will plummet more than 50 percent shortly after trading opens Monday.
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