Taco Bell open; The Gap is next

INTERCOURSE, Pa. — A grand opening ceremony was held Thursday for the new Taco Bell in Intercourse, the second business that Tiffany has opened in the backward Amish community.
"Well, we're still waiting for some customers to come here, but we're open for business," the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," said Thursday afternoon. "I guess all of the Amish people are going to come for dinner tonight. I know those burritos grande are going to be a hot seller tonight. Mmmmm yummy!"
Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise with Tim Shea, also announced plans to open a Gap retail store in the near future.
According to preliminary plans, The Gap would be next to Orange Julius and would have enough parking for 12 horses and buggies.
"These Amish people are pretty reserved, and I think opening a Gap will help them open up a little bit," the mall singer said. "Why do they wear all of those black and white clothes? BORINGGGGGGG!"
A couple of Amish residents expressed dismay over Tiffany's latest retail venture.
"I will never shop at The Gap, unless they sell wool black and white clothes," Ebenezer Ebersole said. "We're tired of all of these modern-day businesses that woman keeps opening. Nobody is going to shop there. Why can't we just stay in the 18th century like we always have?"
A miffed Tiffany rolled her eyes when she learned of Ebersole's remarks.
"You know, I'm just so sick and tired of these inbreds who I call my friends not wanting me to open any businesses here," the mall singer said. "I mean, why do these Amish dudes want to wear the clothes they have now when they can start wearing fleece hoodies in a wide variety of colors?
"And those bonnets and plain dresses the girls are wearing just do nothing for them. Why not show some cleavage and sex things up? Would it kill them to show off their belly buttons once in a great while?"
A preliminary plat for Tiffany's latest business venture is expected to pass the Intercourse Planning Commission, with a public hearing to be scheduled.
With public hearings for the first two businesses turning into heated meetings, Tiffany is expecting the same thing to happen at the next one.
"It's time for these Amish freakazoids to like take a pill and accept change," Tiffany said. "Instead of having meatloaf and going to church, how about having a refreshing Orange Julius and shopping at The Gap. They just want to do the same thing day after day after day. Hello? You people are BORINGGGGGG."
Tiffany was optimistic that the Amish would soon start patronizing her current businesses, as well as possible future enterprises.
"Maybe I'm just not in tune with what the Amish want yet," the mall singer said. "I guess I'm trying to bring these people into the 20th century a little too soon. Maybe I'll open something they could use right now, like a video game store or Claire's Boutique."