INTERCOURSE, Pa. — With the Showering with Tiffany roster set for the 2007 fantasy football season, co-owner Tim Shea expressed satisfaction that he was able to draft four running backs in the first six rounds of Sunday's draft.
Meanwhile, stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany, aka "Wittle Snookums," expressed her satisfaction that Shea drafted "a wide receiver who can dance."
"Me and that Ocho Cinco dude (wide receiver Chad Johnson) are going into business together," a delighted Tiffany said at Friday's Showering with Tiffany media day. "I've tried to talk Tim into opening a dance studio with me, but he says he hates to dance. So I'm so glad that Ocho Cinco agreed to be my partner in my new business."
Tiffany expressed confidence that the predominantly Amish residents of Intercourse would embrace her latest business venture.
"I know these Amish kids will take advantage of the many services we plan to offer," the mall singer said. "They can learn about ballroom dancing if they want, but me and Ocho Cinco are going to specialize in more modern dances. I can't wait to see these Amish kids bump and grind it on the dance floor."
Jonas Yoder, a junior at Intercourse High School, disagreed with Tiffany's assessment that the business would take off.
"We're not allowed to dance or listen to music or play instruments," Yoder said. "This woman you call Tiffany is a complete outsider in our way of life. She keeps asking me if I have ever gotten any of her text messages. She is — how would you English say it — a total moron."
A befuddled Tiffany rolled her eyes when she heard of Yoder's comments.
"Not allowed to dance?" the mall singer asked. "I mean, do you have to listen to your parents all the time? These inbred kids who I call my new friends need to loosen up a little bit. Once they see 'Dirty Dancing,' they all will change their minds. Just wait and see."
Johnson expressed guarded optimism about the prospects for the dance studio, and hopes the Amish will adjust to his off-the-wall sense of humor.
"I'm trying to play practical jokes with these people, but they're not responding the way I hoped they would," the wide receiver said. "I'm all about entertaining the fans. I keep telling them about all of the touchdown celebrations I have planned for this season, but they don't seem to care. These people are pretty boring so far. They're like a bunch of Atlanta Falcons fans."
Later during the media day event, Tiffany started heaping praise on quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, which eventually led to another confrontation with the Showering with Tiffany beat writers.
"Man, now I know why they call you 'Big Ben,'" Tiffany said. "Man, you are SOOOOOOO big."
Roethlisberger thanked Tiffany for the comment as running backs Frank Gore, Deuce McAllister and Cedric Benson laughed behind the mall singer's back.
"I mean, look at the size of this dude," Tiffany said. "You're bigger than average. God, I'm getting so excited seeing how big you are."
As the media members began laughing out loud, Tiffany turned her attention to them.
"Why is it that you freakazoids start laughing every time I open my mouth," the mall singer said. "You guys are all so lame-o. You all wish you were as big as Ben. Just because I start talking about a guy who is so big doesn't mean you start laughing at me. Can't you understand me? Is it that hard?"
As the media members continued laughing, an enraged Tiffany spewed some more invective their way.
"You morons are just a bunch of stiffs," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "All I've done since I've been here is be nice to you guys and you treat me like garbage. I mean, I can't until you guys get what's coming to you."
Tiffany stormed away from the media gathering and into the arms of Shea, who was talking to the mall singer's new business partner.
"I'm sorry, honey," Shea said. "It'll be OK. I'll just go ahead and spring Johnson on them."
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Taco Bell open; The Gap is next
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — A grand opening ceremony was held Thursday for the new Taco Bell in Intercourse, the second business that Tiffany has opened in the backward Amish community.
"Well, we're still waiting for some customers to come here, but we're open for business," the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," said Thursday afternoon. "I guess all of the Amish people are going to come for dinner tonight. I know those burritos grande are going to be a hot seller tonight. Mmmmm yummy!"
Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise with Tim Shea, also announced plans to open a Gap retail store in the near future.
According to preliminary plans, The Gap would be next to Orange Julius and would have enough parking for 12 horses and buggies.
"These Amish people are pretty reserved, and I think opening a Gap will help them open up a little bit," the mall singer said. "Why do they wear all of those black and white clothes? BORINGGGGGGG!"
A couple of Amish residents expressed dismay over Tiffany's latest retail venture.
"I will never shop at The Gap, unless they sell wool black and white clothes," Ebenezer Ebersole said. "We're tired of all of these modern-day businesses that woman keeps opening. Nobody is going to shop there. Why can't we just stay in the 18th century like we always have?"
A miffed Tiffany rolled her eyes when she learned of Ebersole's remarks.
"You know, I'm just so sick and tired of these inbreds who I call my friends not wanting me to open any businesses here," the mall singer said. "I mean, why do these Amish dudes want to wear the clothes they have now when they can start wearing fleece hoodies in a wide variety of colors?
"And those bonnets and plain dresses the girls are wearing just do nothing for them. Why not show some cleavage and sex things up? Would it kill them to show off their belly buttons once in a great while?"
A preliminary plat for Tiffany's latest business venture is expected to pass the Intercourse Planning Commission, with a public hearing to be scheduled.
With public hearings for the first two businesses turning into heated meetings, Tiffany is expecting the same thing to happen at the next one.
"It's time for these Amish freakazoids to like take a pill and accept change," Tiffany said. "Instead of having meatloaf and going to church, how about having a refreshing Orange Julius and shopping at The Gap. They just want to do the same thing day after day after day. Hello? You people are BORINGGGGGG."
Tiffany was optimistic that the Amish would soon start patronizing her current businesses, as well as possible future enterprises.
"Maybe I'm just not in tune with what the Amish want yet," the mall singer said. "I guess I'm trying to bring these people into the 20th century a little too soon. Maybe I'll open something they could use right now, like a video game store or Claire's Boutique."
"Well, we're still waiting for some customers to come here, but we're open for business," the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," said Thursday afternoon. "I guess all of the Amish people are going to come for dinner tonight. I know those burritos grande are going to be a hot seller tonight. Mmmmm yummy!"
Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise with Tim Shea, also announced plans to open a Gap retail store in the near future.
According to preliminary plans, The Gap would be next to Orange Julius and would have enough parking for 12 horses and buggies.
"These Amish people are pretty reserved, and I think opening a Gap will help them open up a little bit," the mall singer said. "Why do they wear all of those black and white clothes? BORINGGGGGGG!"
A couple of Amish residents expressed dismay over Tiffany's latest retail venture.
"I will never shop at The Gap, unless they sell wool black and white clothes," Ebenezer Ebersole said. "We're tired of all of these modern-day businesses that woman keeps opening. Nobody is going to shop there. Why can't we just stay in the 18th century like we always have?"
A miffed Tiffany rolled her eyes when she learned of Ebersole's remarks.
"You know, I'm just so sick and tired of these inbreds who I call my friends not wanting me to open any businesses here," the mall singer said. "I mean, why do these Amish dudes want to wear the clothes they have now when they can start wearing fleece hoodies in a wide variety of colors?
"And those bonnets and plain dresses the girls are wearing just do nothing for them. Why not show some cleavage and sex things up? Would it kill them to show off their belly buttons once in a great while?"
A preliminary plat for Tiffany's latest business venture is expected to pass the Intercourse Planning Commission, with a public hearing to be scheduled.
With public hearings for the first two businesses turning into heated meetings, Tiffany is expecting the same thing to happen at the next one.
"It's time for these Amish freakazoids to like take a pill and accept change," Tiffany said. "Instead of having meatloaf and going to church, how about having a refreshing Orange Julius and shopping at The Gap. They just want to do the same thing day after day after day. Hello? You people are BORINGGGGGG."
Tiffany was optimistic that the Amish would soon start patronizing her current businesses, as well as possible future enterprises.
"Maybe I'm just not in tune with what the Amish want yet," the mall singer said. "I guess I'm trying to bring these people into the 20th century a little too soon. Maybe I'll open something they could use right now, like a video game store or Claire's Boutique."
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tiffany wants to spend romantic weekend on TMI
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Wednesday's press briefing by Showering with Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea turned into another tumultuous encounter between Tiffany and members of the media.
As Shea gave an update on quarterback rankings, the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," interjected with her opinion on who should be the first quarterback taken.
"Did you guys see the Hall of Fame game the other night?" Tiffany asked the media throng. "How about that quarterback who was like throwing the ball?"
"Drew Brees?" one sportswriter asked.
"No, one of the Pittsburgh dudes," Tiffany replied.
Media members started snickering when they thought the mall singer was referring to Ben Roethlisberger, but began laughing when they found out Tiffany was referring to "that other dude, you know, that St. something — some German name."
After Shea said the chances of drafting Brian St. Pierre were about the same as "spending a weekend on Three Mile Island," the press conference turned from the sublime to the hysterical.
"Three Mile Island? Oh sweetie, that sounds so romantic," Tiffany said. "Let's go away this weekend. Please, please, please? God, I feel like I'm glowing."
While a befuddled Shea struggled to respond, the mall singer continued talking about her planned getaway.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Tiffany asked. "Oh, don't worry about how much it's going to cost. We need some alone time. Should I bring my swimsuit or are we just going to spend the entire weekend indoors?"
Shea replied by saying that they would have plenty of privacy, but the accommodations left much to be desired.
"Oh, then let's go camping," the mall singer replied. "We can make some S'mores and I'm sure there will be water somewhere. It's going to suck not having a microwave though."
Tiffany then turned to the sportswriters, who were on the floor rolling in laughter, and spewed some invective in their direction.
"You know, I'm so tired of how immature you guys are," Tiffany said. "You're all jealous because you can't spend a romantic weekend with my sweetie on Three Mile Island. Man, you morons are like going nuclear."
As the sportswriters continued to laugh, a flustered Tiffany became even more enraged.
"I'm so like sick and tired of you guys making fun of me," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "You're all so totally lame-o. I try being nice to you guys and this is the thanks I get? That's fine. If you guys want to see me have a meltdown, well congratulations. You're nothing but a bunch of freakazoids who like Debbie Gibson. I hate you!"
Tiffany left the stage briefly, then returned.
"Hey honey, I've got an even better idea than Three Mile Island," she said. "Let's just get as far away from these sportswriter jerks as we can. There are plenty of islands in the Pacific we can go to and never leave. So how do you get to Alcatraz?"
As Shea gave an update on quarterback rankings, the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," interjected with her opinion on who should be the first quarterback taken.
"Did you guys see the Hall of Fame game the other night?" Tiffany asked the media throng. "How about that quarterback who was like throwing the ball?"
"Drew Brees?" one sportswriter asked.
"No, one of the Pittsburgh dudes," Tiffany replied.
Media members started snickering when they thought the mall singer was referring to Ben Roethlisberger, but began laughing when they found out Tiffany was referring to "that other dude, you know, that St. something — some German name."
After Shea said the chances of drafting Brian St. Pierre were about the same as "spending a weekend on Three Mile Island," the press conference turned from the sublime to the hysterical.
"Three Mile Island? Oh sweetie, that sounds so romantic," Tiffany said. "Let's go away this weekend. Please, please, please? God, I feel like I'm glowing."
While a befuddled Shea struggled to respond, the mall singer continued talking about her planned getaway.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Tiffany asked. "Oh, don't worry about how much it's going to cost. We need some alone time. Should I bring my swimsuit or are we just going to spend the entire weekend indoors?"
Shea replied by saying that they would have plenty of privacy, but the accommodations left much to be desired.
"Oh, then let's go camping," the mall singer replied. "We can make some S'mores and I'm sure there will be water somewhere. It's going to suck not having a microwave though."
Tiffany then turned to the sportswriters, who were on the floor rolling in laughter, and spewed some invective in their direction.
"You know, I'm so tired of how immature you guys are," Tiffany said. "You're all jealous because you can't spend a romantic weekend with my sweetie on Three Mile Island. Man, you morons are like going nuclear."
As the sportswriters continued to laugh, a flustered Tiffany became even more enraged.
"I'm so like sick and tired of you guys making fun of me," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "You're all so totally lame-o. I try being nice to you guys and this is the thanks I get? That's fine. If you guys want to see me have a meltdown, well congratulations. You're nothing but a bunch of freakazoids who like Debbie Gibson. I hate you!"
Tiffany left the stage briefly, then returned.
"Hey honey, I've got an even better idea than Three Mile Island," she said. "Let's just get as far away from these sportswriter jerks as we can. There are plenty of islands in the Pacific we can go to and never leave. So how do you get to Alcatraz?"
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Tiffany causes commotion at Clear Spring carnival
CLEAR SPRING, Md. — Another visit to Washington County meant another dose of trouble for mall singer Tiffany.
The stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer visited the Clear Spring Fireman's Carnival on Saturday night and "caused nothing but a heap of trouble," according to a person who attended the event.
The night started when Tim Shea, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise and the love of Tiffany's life, suggested the couple spend a night at the Clear Spring carnival.
The mall singer immediately became upset when the event failed to live up to her expectations.
"Man Tim, this is like so lame-o," Tiffany said. "I thought this was going to be cool. Where's the water rides and the roller coasters?"
Tiffany reluctantly agreed to stay after Shea told her that the carnival was "as American as hockey and Toyota."
But Tiffany caused more trouble when she went to a concession stand specializing in hamburgers, hot dogs and "American fries."
"Do you guys have any tacos?" Tiffany asked. "Man, I am starving for some good Mexican food. Mmmm mmmm."
After being told "Hey lady, this is America here. We don't serve that stuff," Tiffany relented and asked for some Oreo cookies she saw, not knowing that the concession stand was selling "Deep Fried Oreos."
"Hey, how much for the cookies, dude?" Tiffany asked.
Upon being told they would cost $4, Tiffany rolled her eyes.
"OK, I'll take them," a befuddled Tiffany said. "Jesus, what a ripoff."
The man then stuck the Oreos into a deep fryer, and Tiffany jumped at the man.
"Hey, give me my cookies, you moron," Tiffany said. "I mean, they're already done when they're in the package. They don't need to be cooked. Man, have you freaks like ever eaten these. Don't they sell them here in Virginia?"
Tiffany then caused another disturbance while a bluegrass band performed. The mall singer asked if the group would play a special request.
"Hey guys, can you like do 'I Think We're Alone Now' by Tiffany?" she asked. "That song is so cool."
The crowd immediately showed its displeasure, and members of the bluegrass band started rolling over in laughter.
"Hello? Tiffany? Don't you know who I'm talking about?" Tiffany said. "I like did that song in the '80s. Didn't you ever hear of it?"
Tiffany then got on the stage and wrestled the microphone away from the lead singer and began belting out her classic hit a capella before deputies with the Washington County Sheriff's Department were able to play "taser tag" and took her to the ground.
"Man, stop using that shock thingy," an enraged Tiffany said. "All I wanted was a taco and I'm being treated like a criminal. Save it for Debbie Gibson. I hate her."
As the night ended, the mall singer left with an inflatable SpongeBob SquarePants doll that Shea won for her by making free throws at a carnival game and minus $65 between spending money on Bingo games and tip jars.
"Please Tim, get us back to Intercourse sweetie," a tearful Tiffany said while Shea consoled the mall singer by calling her "my wittle snookums." "I can't handle this anymore. Don't ever bring me hear again. Get me back with those normal Amish inbreds."
The stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer visited the Clear Spring Fireman's Carnival on Saturday night and "caused nothing but a heap of trouble," according to a person who attended the event.
The night started when Tim Shea, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise and the love of Tiffany's life, suggested the couple spend a night at the Clear Spring carnival.
The mall singer immediately became upset when the event failed to live up to her expectations.
"Man Tim, this is like so lame-o," Tiffany said. "I thought this was going to be cool. Where's the water rides and the roller coasters?"
Tiffany reluctantly agreed to stay after Shea told her that the carnival was "as American as hockey and Toyota."
But Tiffany caused more trouble when she went to a concession stand specializing in hamburgers, hot dogs and "American fries."
"Do you guys have any tacos?" Tiffany asked. "Man, I am starving for some good Mexican food. Mmmm mmmm."
After being told "Hey lady, this is America here. We don't serve that stuff," Tiffany relented and asked for some Oreo cookies she saw, not knowing that the concession stand was selling "Deep Fried Oreos."
"Hey, how much for the cookies, dude?" Tiffany asked.
Upon being told they would cost $4, Tiffany rolled her eyes.
"OK, I'll take them," a befuddled Tiffany said. "Jesus, what a ripoff."
The man then stuck the Oreos into a deep fryer, and Tiffany jumped at the man.
"Hey, give me my cookies, you moron," Tiffany said. "I mean, they're already done when they're in the package. They don't need to be cooked. Man, have you freaks like ever eaten these. Don't they sell them here in Virginia?"
Tiffany then caused another disturbance while a bluegrass band performed. The mall singer asked if the group would play a special request.
"Hey guys, can you like do 'I Think We're Alone Now' by Tiffany?" she asked. "That song is so cool."
The crowd immediately showed its displeasure, and members of the bluegrass band started rolling over in laughter.
"Hello? Tiffany? Don't you know who I'm talking about?" Tiffany said. "I like did that song in the '80s. Didn't you ever hear of it?"
Tiffany then got on the stage and wrestled the microphone away from the lead singer and began belting out her classic hit a capella before deputies with the Washington County Sheriff's Department were able to play "taser tag" and took her to the ground.
"Man, stop using that shock thingy," an enraged Tiffany said. "All I wanted was a taco and I'm being treated like a criminal. Save it for Debbie Gibson. I hate her."
As the night ended, the mall singer left with an inflatable SpongeBob SquarePants doll that Shea won for her by making free throws at a carnival game and minus $65 between spending money on Bingo games and tip jars.
"Please Tim, get us back to Intercourse sweetie," a tearful Tiffany said while Shea consoled the mall singer by calling her "my wittle snookums." "I can't handle this anymore. Don't ever bring me hear again. Get me back with those normal Amish inbreds."
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Tiffany: We'll make Vick our first pick
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering With Tiffany fantasy football franchise, tipped off several members of the media on Tuesday about her hopes for the soon-to-be-scheduled fantasy football draft.
"I may not know a lot about fantasy football, but I do know this — we need Michael Vick," Tiffany said. "I hope Tim (Shea, Tiffany's co-owner and the love of her life) goes along with me. We're trying to defend our title and we're in for a dogfight."
As sportswriters tried unsuccessfully to stifle their laughter, Tiffany tried to set them straight.
"Uh, hello. Michael Vick like runs with the football and he like throws the football, too," Tiffany declared. "I mean, he's going to lead the league in rebounds, don't you think? If Tim doesn't pick him, he's going to be in my doghouse, I'll tell you that."
Vick, who allegedly has been involved in a dogfighting ring in Virginia, has been told by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to stay away from training camp pending a league investigation into the accusations.
A befuddled Tiffany starting hurling insults at the sportswriters, who were on the ground rolling while laughing at the mall singer.
"You guys are like so immature," Tiffany said. "I say we're going to draft Michael Vick and you start acting like I'm a freakazoid from another planet like Mars or wherever Spock was from. You just wish you were as great as Vick. You guys must have been dogging it in high school. Oh, whatever!"
A flustered Tiffany stormed away from the media gathering and into the arms of Shea, who consoled her.
"Honey, haven't you heard about Vick not playing football this year," Shea said as Tiffany fought back tears. "It's OK, sweetheart. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. I'm sorry those doggone sportswriters made my wittle snookums cry."
A smile then came to Tiffany's face when Shea said he had a surprise for her.
"Honey, I went to Taco Bell in Lancaster today," Shea said. "Mmmm, that stuff was good. And I saved some tacos for you. I've got them at home in a doggie bag."
"I may not know a lot about fantasy football, but I do know this — we need Michael Vick," Tiffany said. "I hope Tim (Shea, Tiffany's co-owner and the love of her life) goes along with me. We're trying to defend our title and we're in for a dogfight."
As sportswriters tried unsuccessfully to stifle their laughter, Tiffany tried to set them straight.
"Uh, hello. Michael Vick like runs with the football and he like throws the football, too," Tiffany declared. "I mean, he's going to lead the league in rebounds, don't you think? If Tim doesn't pick him, he's going to be in my doghouse, I'll tell you that."
Vick, who allegedly has been involved in a dogfighting ring in Virginia, has been told by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to stay away from training camp pending a league investigation into the accusations.
A befuddled Tiffany starting hurling insults at the sportswriters, who were on the ground rolling while laughing at the mall singer.
"You guys are like so immature," Tiffany said. "I say we're going to draft Michael Vick and you start acting like I'm a freakazoid from another planet like Mars or wherever Spock was from. You just wish you were as great as Vick. You guys must have been dogging it in high school. Oh, whatever!"
A flustered Tiffany stormed away from the media gathering and into the arms of Shea, who consoled her.
"Honey, haven't you heard about Vick not playing football this year," Shea said as Tiffany fought back tears. "It's OK, sweetheart. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. I'm sorry those doggone sportswriters made my wittle snookums cry."
A smile then came to Tiffany's face when Shea said he had a surprise for her.
"Honey, I went to Taco Bell in Lancaster today," Shea said. "Mmmm, that stuff was good. And I saved some tacos for you. I've got them at home in a doggie bag."
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Tiffany thinks people are at Borders to buy her CD
HAGERSTOWN, Md. — As Showering with Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea gave stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany a tour of his former hometown on Friday, a crowd gathered at the Centre at Hagerstown caught the attention of the couple.
"We saw this long line of people at Borders and I drove over that way to check it out," Shea said. "Tiffany got all excited because she thought everybody was lined up to buy her CD (Just Me). I told her I wasn't sure about that because I heard there was some stupid fantasy book that supposedly was being released at midnight."
Tiffany got out of Shea's Hummer and approached the crowd, which was lined up all the way to Payless Shoe Source.
"Wow you guys, I can't believe you all want my CD," Tiffany said. "I hope they ordered enough of them so nobody goes home disappointed."
Many in the crowd snickered as Tiffany walked away in an attempt to enter the bookstore.
"Mommy, who was that?" a young boy asked. "I wonder if she's going to be Miverva McGonagall in the next movie."
Security personnel on hand at the bookstore had to restrain Tiffany as well as deal with a rowdy bunch of adolescents and alleged adults, many of whom believed the mall singer was trying to cut in line to ensure she received a copy of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," the final book in the fantasy series by J.K. Rowling.
"Hey dudes, like take it easy," Tiffany said. "There's plenty of CDs to go around. I know this place has a couple of hundred of them in stock. Gee, they're acting like some book is coming out at midnight. Get a life, people."
Tiffany eventually was taken to the ground and tasered by officers with the Hagerstown Police Department.
"Dude, like stop trying to shock me," Tiffany said after being tasered for the fourth time. "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Save it for Debbie Gibson, you freakazoids."
Calm eventually was restored, and Tiffany was able to enter the bookstore after 200 others filed in.
"Man Tim, is this like 'The Planet of the Morons?'" Tiffany said after finally getting to take a closer look at the crowd. "What's with all of these stupid capes and hats? Is this a magician convention or something?"
Tiffany once again was angered when she accidentally was poked in the rear end by a wand being carried by an unidentified middle-aged man dressed as Ron Weasley.
"Hey dude, like watch where you're sticking that thing," Tiffany said to the stunned youth. "Gee whiz, like get your hormones under control. I'll sign your CD, but that's all you're getting from me, you pervert."
Tiffany left Borders without signing any CDs and armed with a copy of the final Harry Potter book.
"Everybody says this is a cool book, so I'll have to take it back to Intercourse," Tiffany said. "I can't wait to read it to my class. People were saying there was stuff like witchcraft and magic in this thing. Oh man, those Amish kids are going to love it! This is a huge book! Maybe I should just skip right to the end."
"We saw this long line of people at Borders and I drove over that way to check it out," Shea said. "Tiffany got all excited because she thought everybody was lined up to buy her CD (Just Me). I told her I wasn't sure about that because I heard there was some stupid fantasy book that supposedly was being released at midnight."
Tiffany got out of Shea's Hummer and approached the crowd, which was lined up all the way to Payless Shoe Source.
"Wow you guys, I can't believe you all want my CD," Tiffany said. "I hope they ordered enough of them so nobody goes home disappointed."
Many in the crowd snickered as Tiffany walked away in an attempt to enter the bookstore.
"Mommy, who was that?" a young boy asked. "I wonder if she's going to be Miverva McGonagall in the next movie."
Security personnel on hand at the bookstore had to restrain Tiffany as well as deal with a rowdy bunch of adolescents and alleged adults, many of whom believed the mall singer was trying to cut in line to ensure she received a copy of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," the final book in the fantasy series by J.K. Rowling.
"Hey dudes, like take it easy," Tiffany said. "There's plenty of CDs to go around. I know this place has a couple of hundred of them in stock. Gee, they're acting like some book is coming out at midnight. Get a life, people."
Tiffany eventually was taken to the ground and tasered by officers with the Hagerstown Police Department.
"Dude, like stop trying to shock me," Tiffany said after being tasered for the fourth time. "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Save it for Debbie Gibson, you freakazoids."
Calm eventually was restored, and Tiffany was able to enter the bookstore after 200 others filed in.
"Man Tim, is this like 'The Planet of the Morons?'" Tiffany said after finally getting to take a closer look at the crowd. "What's with all of these stupid capes and hats? Is this a magician convention or something?"
Tiffany once again was angered when she accidentally was poked in the rear end by a wand being carried by an unidentified middle-aged man dressed as Ron Weasley.
"Hey dude, like watch where you're sticking that thing," Tiffany said to the stunned youth. "Gee whiz, like get your hormones under control. I'll sign your CD, but that's all you're getting from me, you pervert."
Tiffany left Borders without signing any CDs and armed with a copy of the final Harry Potter book.
"Everybody says this is a cool book, so I'll have to take it back to Intercourse," Tiffany said. "I can't wait to read it to my class. People were saying there was stuff like witchcraft and magic in this thing. Oh man, those Amish kids are going to love it! This is a huge book! Maybe I should just skip right to the end."
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Doctors: Tiffany suffering from 'mall withdrawal'
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — After 10 days of medical testing both locally and at several world-renowned hospitals, a spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control finally revealed what the mysterious illness is that is plaguing 35-year-old stunningly beautiful mall singer Tiffany.
The diagnosis: Mall withdrawal.
"The symptoms of mall withdrawal are similar to those of other addictive diseases," CDC spokesman Jim Nasium said Saturday. "Tiffany is feeling very tired and is in a seriously weakened condition. She has to fight her way through this and not be exposed to stores like Claire's Boutique and The Great American Steak and Potato Company."
Nasium suggested that Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise, establish a 12-step program for recovering "mall-aholics" since she is the first person to be documented with the disease.
"I'm sure there are thousands of people, particulary young women, who continue to suffer in silence," Nasium said. "Tiffany can serve as an inspiration to them and show them that they can cope with this disease."
Tiffany's medical crisis began on the Fourth of July, when she was found slumped over the steering wheel of a buggy and begging anyone within earshot to take her to American Eagle Outfitters.
Tim Shea, Tiffany's fellow co-owner and the love of her life, immediately took Tiffany to an Intercourse doctor, who diagnosed the mall singer with a mild case of the flu.
"I could tell it was much worse than that when I started teasing her about all of the things I can do with my iPhone and she didn't even respond," Shea said. "So I used my GPS tracker and found the nearest world-renowned hospital."
Among the medical facilities that Tiffany and Shea visited were Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore and the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.
"I thought she was close to a goner when I told her we were going to the Mayo Clinic and she said she really wanted two burritos grande and a large plate of nachos instead," Shea said. "Thank God for the CDC in the end. Although they at first wanted her to be quarantined with that guy who had tuberculosis."
Tiffany is resting comfortable at home and is scheduled to return to her normal co-ownership duties this week.
Upon learning of the news, experts on Wall Street said they expect the prices for shares of stock for The Disney Store and The Gap will plummet more than 50 percent shortly after trading opens Monday.
The diagnosis: Mall withdrawal.
"The symptoms of mall withdrawal are similar to those of other addictive diseases," CDC spokesman Jim Nasium said Saturday. "Tiffany is feeling very tired and is in a seriously weakened condition. She has to fight her way through this and not be exposed to stores like Claire's Boutique and The Great American Steak and Potato Company."
Nasium suggested that Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise, establish a 12-step program for recovering "mall-aholics" since she is the first person to be documented with the disease.
"I'm sure there are thousands of people, particulary young women, who continue to suffer in silence," Nasium said. "Tiffany can serve as an inspiration to them and show them that they can cope with this disease."
Tiffany's medical crisis began on the Fourth of July, when she was found slumped over the steering wheel of a buggy and begging anyone within earshot to take her to American Eagle Outfitters.
Tim Shea, Tiffany's fellow co-owner and the love of her life, immediately took Tiffany to an Intercourse doctor, who diagnosed the mall singer with a mild case of the flu.
"I could tell it was much worse than that when I started teasing her about all of the things I can do with my iPhone and she didn't even respond," Shea said. "So I used my GPS tracker and found the nearest world-renowned hospital."
Among the medical facilities that Tiffany and Shea visited were Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore and the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.
"I thought she was close to a goner when I told her we were going to the Mayo Clinic and she said she really wanted two burritos grande and a large plate of nachos instead," Shea said. "Thank God for the CDC in the end. Although they at first wanted her to be quarantined with that guy who had tuberculosis."
Tiffany is resting comfortable at home and is scheduled to return to her normal co-ownership duties this week.
Upon learning of the news, experts on Wall Street said they expect the prices for shares of stock for The Disney Store and The Gap will plummet more than 50 percent shortly after trading opens Monday.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Tiffany still can't get iPhone to work
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Some residents of south-central Pennsylvania were treated to fireworks a day early.
Tiffany, the stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer, pitched a fit Tuesday after repeated attempts to get her iPhone to work proved fruitless.
"You buy something that's supposed to be great and I can't even get the damn thing to work," Tiffany said. "Where's the, you know, number button thingy that I use to make calls?"
Tiffany purchased the iPhone Friday at the Lancaster Mall after attempts to find an AT&T store in Intercourse and the surrounding area came up empty.
"I just don't understand these people," the mall singer said. "Man, they get all excited about freshly churned butter like it's a PlayStation 3. I'm surprised nobody's gotten trampled to death yet they way these inbreds react to freshly baked sourdough rolls."
Tiffany tried to get assistance from several Intercourse residents in order to get her iPhone to work, but to no avail.
"I asked this woman what to do with this," Tiffany said. "She grabs it out of my hands and starts to use it as a rolling pin! Oh my God. I grabbed it right back and told her I needed to figure out how to download music and she looked at me like I was from a foreign country like Mexico or North Dakota.
"Then there was the dude who looked at it and was just about to start hammering nails with it. I'm like, 'Hey dude, like take it easy with that. I just want to figure out how to find Web sites.' He then points to a bunch of cobwebs in the corner of his house. I mean, what a total moron!"
Adding to Tiffany's frustration is the fact that Tim Shea, who co-owns the Showering with Tiffany football franchise with the mall singer, has been able to use his custom-made iPhone without any problems.
"Gee whiz, he's watching full-length movies and downloading that crappy punk rock music he always listens to," Tiffany said. "And you know, that special Taser feature he had built in gets a little old after you use it about 100 times on these Amish kids."
Shea also is working with several other features of his phone, including the function enabling him to perform laser eye surgery and another which uncoils a 200-foot "Bat rope."
Tiffany, the stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer, pitched a fit Tuesday after repeated attempts to get her iPhone to work proved fruitless.
"You buy something that's supposed to be great and I can't even get the damn thing to work," Tiffany said. "Where's the, you know, number button thingy that I use to make calls?"
Tiffany purchased the iPhone Friday at the Lancaster Mall after attempts to find an AT&T store in Intercourse and the surrounding area came up empty.
"I just don't understand these people," the mall singer said. "Man, they get all excited about freshly churned butter like it's a PlayStation 3. I'm surprised nobody's gotten trampled to death yet they way these inbreds react to freshly baked sourdough rolls."
Tiffany tried to get assistance from several Intercourse residents in order to get her iPhone to work, but to no avail.
"I asked this woman what to do with this," Tiffany said. "She grabs it out of my hands and starts to use it as a rolling pin! Oh my God. I grabbed it right back and told her I needed to figure out how to download music and she looked at me like I was from a foreign country like Mexico or North Dakota.
"Then there was the dude who looked at it and was just about to start hammering nails with it. I'm like, 'Hey dude, like take it easy with that. I just want to figure out how to find Web sites.' He then points to a bunch of cobwebs in the corner of his house. I mean, what a total moron!"
Adding to Tiffany's frustration is the fact that Tim Shea, who co-owns the Showering with Tiffany football franchise with the mall singer, has been able to use his custom-made iPhone without any problems.
"Gee whiz, he's watching full-length movies and downloading that crappy punk rock music he always listens to," Tiffany said. "And you know, that special Taser feature he had built in gets a little old after you use it about 100 times on these Amish kids."
Shea also is working with several other features of his phone, including the function enabling him to perform laser eye surgery and another which uncoils a 200-foot "Bat rope."
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Amish can't believe Tiffany eats "that Taco Bell crap"
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — With an Orange Julius set to open this weekend, 35-year-old stunningly beautiful mall singer Tiffany announced plans Thursday for her second business venture in Intercourse.
"I'm pleased to announce that we're going to have a Taco Bell here," a beaming Tiffany said to a disgruntled group of Intercourse residents. "Nothing like good Mexican food when you need something to eat fast. Mmmmm mmmmm."
Preliminary plans call for the restaurant to be built across the street from the Orange Julius, with seating for 40, parking for 12 horses and buggies, and a drive-through.
Some Intercourse residents who protested the arrival of Orange Julius in town say the mall singer has gone too far in her efforts to bring businesses here.
"Why on God's green earth do we need a Taco Bell here?" Ebenezer Yoder said. "We've been living off the land for hundreds of years now. We're not simply going to stop eating meatloaf, mashed potatoes and succotash to help her."
When informed of Yoder's comment, Tiffany appeared visibly upset.
"Gee whiz, like these people need to take a chill pill," Tiffany said. "And they'll need a chill pill after they try one of Taco Bell's burritos grande with hot sauce. Wow, my mouth's on fire just thinking about it. Mmmmm yummy."
Intercourse resident Jeremiah Ebersole took Tiffany up on her offer to try a burrito and immediately turned his nose up to the offering.
"I can't believe human beings actually consume this," Ebersole said. "What's wrong with meatloaf with gravy? I can't believe that woman actually eats that Taco Bell crap."
In order to provide the electricity needed to operate the restaurant, Tiffany and her fellow Showering With Tiffany co-owner, Tim Shea, purchased 25 electricity generators earlier this week.
"You know, maybe it's time for these inbreds who I call my new friends to give Taco Bell a try," Tiffany said. "Does it hurt to get out of their houses and go to a restaurant once in a great while? Maybe if they just try one double-stuffed chicken and cheese taco with guacamole, they might actually like it."
Shea, who has a minority stake in the Taco Bell franchise, suggested that the Intercourse restaurant try such items as meatloaf quesadillas with salsa and nachos smothered in cream gravy and topped with extra-hot jalapeno peppers.
An obviously miffed Tiffany abruptly left the press conference in order to attend to another matter of business she is planning on Friday.
"Does anyone know where the AT&T Store is here?" the mall singer asked. "I've got to get in line for one of those iPhones. I know the Amish kids are dying to get their hands on them. I've sent text messages to a few of them, but nobody's answered yet. Can I borrow a buggy so I can be the first in line?"
"I'm pleased to announce that we're going to have a Taco Bell here," a beaming Tiffany said to a disgruntled group of Intercourse residents. "Nothing like good Mexican food when you need something to eat fast. Mmmmm mmmmm."
Preliminary plans call for the restaurant to be built across the street from the Orange Julius, with seating for 40, parking for 12 horses and buggies, and a drive-through.
Some Intercourse residents who protested the arrival of Orange Julius in town say the mall singer has gone too far in her efforts to bring businesses here.
"Why on God's green earth do we need a Taco Bell here?" Ebenezer Yoder said. "We've been living off the land for hundreds of years now. We're not simply going to stop eating meatloaf, mashed potatoes and succotash to help her."
When informed of Yoder's comment, Tiffany appeared visibly upset.
"Gee whiz, like these people need to take a chill pill," Tiffany said. "And they'll need a chill pill after they try one of Taco Bell's burritos grande with hot sauce. Wow, my mouth's on fire just thinking about it. Mmmmm yummy."
Intercourse resident Jeremiah Ebersole took Tiffany up on her offer to try a burrito and immediately turned his nose up to the offering.
"I can't believe human beings actually consume this," Ebersole said. "What's wrong with meatloaf with gravy? I can't believe that woman actually eats that Taco Bell crap."
In order to provide the electricity needed to operate the restaurant, Tiffany and her fellow Showering With Tiffany co-owner, Tim Shea, purchased 25 electricity generators earlier this week.
"You know, maybe it's time for these inbreds who I call my new friends to give Taco Bell a try," Tiffany said. "Does it hurt to get out of their houses and go to a restaurant once in a great while? Maybe if they just try one double-stuffed chicken and cheese taco with guacamole, they might actually like it."
Shea, who has a minority stake in the Taco Bell franchise, suggested that the Intercourse restaurant try such items as meatloaf quesadillas with salsa and nachos smothered in cream gravy and topped with extra-hot jalapeno peppers.
An obviously miffed Tiffany abruptly left the press conference in order to attend to another matter of business she is planning on Friday.
"Does anyone know where the AT&T Store is here?" the mall singer asked. "I've got to get in line for one of those iPhones. I know the Amish kids are dying to get their hands on them. I've sent text messages to a few of them, but nobody's answered yet. Can I borrow a buggy so I can be the first in line?"
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Shea, Tiffany media gathering borders on nauseating
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — A press conference that was originally planned to update the local Showering With Tiffany media contingent on plans for the coming season turned into a sickening sweet love fest as co-owners Tim Shea and stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany spent the majority of the session "acting like they were back in the f*****g eighth grade," according to one reporter.
As Shea fielded his first question about his preference of a third-string running back, Tiffany immediately interrupted and showed the media throng a "Between You and Me" greeting card sent to her by Shea.
"Oh sweetie, this is so wonderful of you," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "'When I look at a star, I think of you. And I know that your heart is forever true.' Awwww, that's so perfect. I couldn't say it any better myself, smoochie woochie."
"That's OK, my little buttercup," Shea replied. "Actually, when I look at the scouting reports for Ahman Green and Marshawn Lynch, I also think of you."
"Ohhhhh, you know how to say the perfect thing every time," Tiffany said. "How lucky I am."
Before Shea could begin his analysis of backup quarterback prospects, Tiffany left the podium, then immediately came back with a surprise for him.
"Oh deary weary, I made this for you," Tiffany said. "It's a chocolate-chip angel food cake with chocolate buttercream icing and a double chocolate swirl topping. This is going to be sweet, but nothing could ever be as sweet as you, my darling warling."
"That is so sweet of you," Shea said. "An angel making me an angel food cake. This might be even sweeter than last season, when Chris Carter left Drew Brees on the waiver wire and I picked him up."
"Ohhhhhh ... wow, I'm such a lucky woman," Tiffany said. "I'm even sweeter than Drew Brees. If that doesn't mean love, then what does?"
As the press conference closed, Shea presented Tiffany with a gift of his own.
"For you, my sunshine, I have a special surprise for you," Shea said. "You've brought light back to my life and a smile to my heart. So here's some scouting reports of kickers. And maybe I'll even let you pick one at the draft."
Tiffany was unable to reply due to her uncontrollable sobs. Media members were unable to confirm whether she said "Vinatieri" or "I'm all teary."
As Shea fielded his first question about his preference of a third-string running back, Tiffany immediately interrupted and showed the media throng a "Between You and Me" greeting card sent to her by Shea.
"Oh sweetie, this is so wonderful of you," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "'When I look at a star, I think of you. And I know that your heart is forever true.' Awwww, that's so perfect. I couldn't say it any better myself, smoochie woochie."
"That's OK, my little buttercup," Shea replied. "Actually, when I look at the scouting reports for Ahman Green and Marshawn Lynch, I also think of you."
"Ohhhhh, you know how to say the perfect thing every time," Tiffany said. "How lucky I am."
Before Shea could begin his analysis of backup quarterback prospects, Tiffany left the podium, then immediately came back with a surprise for him.
"Oh deary weary, I made this for you," Tiffany said. "It's a chocolate-chip angel food cake with chocolate buttercream icing and a double chocolate swirl topping. This is going to be sweet, but nothing could ever be as sweet as you, my darling warling."
"That is so sweet of you," Shea said. "An angel making me an angel food cake. This might be even sweeter than last season, when Chris Carter left Drew Brees on the waiver wire and I picked him up."
"Ohhhhhh ... wow, I'm such a lucky woman," Tiffany said. "I'm even sweeter than Drew Brees. If that doesn't mean love, then what does?"
As the press conference closed, Shea presented Tiffany with a gift of his own.
"For you, my sunshine, I have a special surprise for you," Shea said. "You've brought light back to my life and a smile to my heart. So here's some scouting reports of kickers. And maybe I'll even let you pick one at the draft."
Tiffany was unable to reply due to her uncontrollable sobs. Media members were unable to confirm whether she said "Vinatieri" or "I'm all teary."
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Tiffany teaches Amish girls about safe sex
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Showering With Tiffany co-owner and former mall singing sensation Tiffany recently received her teaching certification from the Pennsylvania Department of Education.
The 35-year-old stunningly beautiful Tiffany was certified after agreeing to Gov. Ed Rendell's request to sing the national anthem before a Philadelphia Eagles home game this season.
Tiffany immediately had an impact on the impressionable and backward Amish youths.
"It's important that these Amish girls take precautions," Tiffany said. "One false move and either you get an STD or you're pregnant. I don't want these inbred girls to feel pressured to have sex with those inbred guys."
As part of her lesson plan, she taught the girls about sexually transmitted diseases, including gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia.
"I hope you girls don't ever get one of these," Tiffany told a wide-eyed class of Amish girls. "Once it happens to you, you'll be labeled a slut for life."
Tiffany then showed the girls the proper use of condoms by opening one and unrolling it on a banana.
"See, if you feel that you really need to prove your love to a guy, simply unroll one of these on his 'banana'" Tiffany said. "You'll feel so much better that you did."
At lunch the next day, an Amish girl whose identity is being protected in order not to be shunned walked up to a boy she has had a crush on in the cafeteria.
"I was so happy when she said loved me, and she wanted to prove it," said the boy, whose identity also is being protected.
The girl then took a condom provided to her by Tiffany and followed the lesson she learned the previous day.
"She then unrolled this weird looking balloon on my banana," the boy said. "I guess I'm really happy that she loves me and all.
"But I really was hungry for that banana."
Tiffany also is scheduled to begin teaching American history to the youths.
"I can't wait to start telling them about the history of our country," Tiffany said. "In my first class, I'll tell them that America was discovered by Christopher Cross. It's a known fact. After all, didn't he write 'Sailing' about that?"
The 35-year-old stunningly beautiful Tiffany was certified after agreeing to Gov. Ed Rendell's request to sing the national anthem before a Philadelphia Eagles home game this season.
Tiffany immediately had an impact on the impressionable and backward Amish youths.
"It's important that these Amish girls take precautions," Tiffany said. "One false move and either you get an STD or you're pregnant. I don't want these inbred girls to feel pressured to have sex with those inbred guys."
As part of her lesson plan, she taught the girls about sexually transmitted diseases, including gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia.
"I hope you girls don't ever get one of these," Tiffany told a wide-eyed class of Amish girls. "Once it happens to you, you'll be labeled a slut for life."
Tiffany then showed the girls the proper use of condoms by opening one and unrolling it on a banana.
"See, if you feel that you really need to prove your love to a guy, simply unroll one of these on his 'banana'" Tiffany said. "You'll feel so much better that you did."
At lunch the next day, an Amish girl whose identity is being protected in order not to be shunned walked up to a boy she has had a crush on in the cafeteria.
"I was so happy when she said loved me, and she wanted to prove it," said the boy, whose identity also is being protected.
The girl then took a condom provided to her by Tiffany and followed the lesson she learned the previous day.
"She then unrolled this weird looking balloon on my banana," the boy said. "I guess I'm really happy that she loves me and all.
"But I really was hungry for that banana."
Tiffany also is scheduled to begin teaching American history to the youths.
"I can't wait to start telling them about the history of our country," Tiffany said. "In my first class, I'll tell them that America was discovered by Christopher Cross. It's a known fact. After all, didn't he write 'Sailing' about that?"
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Dennis Miller hired as Showering With Tiffany analyst
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Are the Amish ready for this?
Former "Saturday Night Live" cast member Dennis Miller, who spent two years in the booth with Al Michaels and Dan Fouts on "Monday Night Football," has been hired as an analyst for Showering With Tiffany games in the 2007 season.
"We feel this is a great hire for us," Showering With Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea said Thursday. "He's got a great sense of humor. And hopefully, he's learned the rules of football by now, which would make him even better."
Miller was introduced to the media, and immediately began confusing those assembled at the press conference with his vague references, including life in medieval Europe in the 1500s as it relates to LaDanian Tomlinson's record breaking season, and how a Robert Frost poem takes him back to the time when he appeared in "Disclosure" with Michael Douglas.
Miller also took a couple of shots at the Amish.
"I was driving in here yesterday and I'm like, "Where the freakin' hell am I?" Miller said while Shea laughed uproariously. "These people look like the security detail at Kabul International Airport. Is bin Laden holed up here?
"And what about these buggies? I can imagine Jeff Gordon negotiating one of those through turn 3 at Talladega. He'd probably blow by it except for the fact that he'd put on the brakes so he could pet Secretariat."
Miller then directed a rant at Shea and his choice of co-owners.
"You trade in (former co-owner) Thea Andrews for Tiffany?" a perplexed Miller asked. "Gee, I've got a $1 bill in my pocket. Think I can swap a Benjamin for it?
"You must have gone to the Minnesota Vikings school of football management. Way to trade all those draft choices for Herschel Walker."
Miller then turned to Shea's co-owner Tiffany and spewed more invective her way.
"You moving into Amish country is like George Jefferson movin' on up to that deluxe apartment in the sky," Miller said as the 35-year-old mall singer fought back tears. "Man, what the hell happened to your career? You went down faster than a cheap hooker in an Amsterdam alleyway.
"So you go on 'Celebrity Fit Club' to revive your career? Wake up, cha cha, it flatlined 18 years ago! Leonard Nimoy is still going in search of you. Maybe it's time for him to hit The Salvation Army."
Miller then speculted on Shea's chances of repeating as champion with his new co-owner.
"Yeah, let's see what happens at the draft," Miller said. "Can't wait until the seventh round, when you're deciding between Eli Manning and Wayne Gretzky. I'm sure Tiffany will be a big help around round 12, when she realizes you still need a power forward. You've got as much of a chance of repeating as Paris Hilton does of winning an Oscar in the lifetime achievement category."
Miller will be paired with a yet-to-be determined play-by-play announcer. Shea was noncommital on whether he would consider a three-man booth that would include Dick Vitale.
Former "Saturday Night Live" cast member Dennis Miller, who spent two years in the booth with Al Michaels and Dan Fouts on "Monday Night Football," has been hired as an analyst for Showering With Tiffany games in the 2007 season.
"We feel this is a great hire for us," Showering With Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea said Thursday. "He's got a great sense of humor. And hopefully, he's learned the rules of football by now, which would make him even better."
Miller was introduced to the media, and immediately began confusing those assembled at the press conference with his vague references, including life in medieval Europe in the 1500s as it relates to LaDanian Tomlinson's record breaking season, and how a Robert Frost poem takes him back to the time when he appeared in "Disclosure" with Michael Douglas.
Miller also took a couple of shots at the Amish.
"I was driving in here yesterday and I'm like, "Where the freakin' hell am I?" Miller said while Shea laughed uproariously. "These people look like the security detail at Kabul International Airport. Is bin Laden holed up here?
"And what about these buggies? I can imagine Jeff Gordon negotiating one of those through turn 3 at Talladega. He'd probably blow by it except for the fact that he'd put on the brakes so he could pet Secretariat."
Miller then directed a rant at Shea and his choice of co-owners.
"You trade in (former co-owner) Thea Andrews for Tiffany?" a perplexed Miller asked. "Gee, I've got a $1 bill in my pocket. Think I can swap a Benjamin for it?
"You must have gone to the Minnesota Vikings school of football management. Way to trade all those draft choices for Herschel Walker."
Miller then turned to Shea's co-owner Tiffany and spewed more invective her way.
"You moving into Amish country is like George Jefferson movin' on up to that deluxe apartment in the sky," Miller said as the 35-year-old mall singer fought back tears. "Man, what the hell happened to your career? You went down faster than a cheap hooker in an Amsterdam alleyway.
"So you go on 'Celebrity Fit Club' to revive your career? Wake up, cha cha, it flatlined 18 years ago! Leonard Nimoy is still going in search of you. Maybe it's time for him to hit The Salvation Army."
Miller then speculted on Shea's chances of repeating as champion with his new co-owner.
"Yeah, let's see what happens at the draft," Miller said. "Can't wait until the seventh round, when you're deciding between Eli Manning and Wayne Gretzky. I'm sure Tiffany will be a big help around round 12, when she realizes you still need a power forward. You've got as much of a chance of repeating as Paris Hilton does of winning an Oscar in the lifetime achievement category."
Miller will be paired with a yet-to-be determined play-by-play announcer. Shea was noncommital on whether he would consider a three-man booth that would include Dick Vitale.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Tiffany on search to acquire last name
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Running backs, quarterbacks and wide receivers were among the topics discussed by Showering With Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea at a Wednesday afternoon press conference.
Meanwhile, Shea's fellow owner, mall singer Tiffany, engaged the reporters about — well, an engagement.
Shea discussed draft strategy for the 2007 fantasy football season, and the conversation began with running backs.
"It's highly likely we're going to go with running backs with our first two picks," Shea said. "We'll have to see what position we're going to be drafting. If we get the No. 1 pick, it's pretty much a lock that LaDanian Tomlinson will be our choice."
"LaDanian Tomlinson — that name has a nice ring to it," Tiffany said while pointing to her left ring finger. "Get it — a nice RING to it? Nice RING? RING? Hello???? Tim, can you hear me?"
Shea then turned his attention to quarterbacks, which usually have been neglected during the draft until last season.
"Carson Palmer and Donovan McNabb were critical to our success last season, then we picked up Drew Brees off the waiver wire," Shea said. "Needless to say, we were extremely fortunate. We're currently engaged in conversations with several quarterbacks who could be playing here this season."
"Currently ENGAGED in conversations?" Tiffany said while shoving her left ring finger in Shea's face. "Get it? ENGAGED in conversations? ENGAGED? RING? ENGAGED? Anybody home up there?"
Shea then focused on wide receivers.
"Who knows what will happen with wide receivers," Shea said. "There are a lot of good ones out there. My proposal is to get at least two solid starters in the first six rounds."
"My PROPOSAL?" an exasperated Tiffany replied. "Do you need me to spell it out for you? PROPOSAL? ENGAGED? RING? POP THE QUESTION? Do you even care? Don't you love me? HELLOOOOOO!!!!"
Shea refused to pop the question on Wednesday, citing the "Give Tiffany a Last Name" contest currently go on. Shea currently ranks third in the contest behind Martin and Ebersole.
Meanwhile, Shea's fellow owner, mall singer Tiffany, engaged the reporters about — well, an engagement.
Shea discussed draft strategy for the 2007 fantasy football season, and the conversation began with running backs.
"It's highly likely we're going to go with running backs with our first two picks," Shea said. "We'll have to see what position we're going to be drafting. If we get the No. 1 pick, it's pretty much a lock that LaDanian Tomlinson will be our choice."
"LaDanian Tomlinson — that name has a nice ring to it," Tiffany said while pointing to her left ring finger. "Get it — a nice RING to it? Nice RING? RING? Hello???? Tim, can you hear me?"
Shea then turned his attention to quarterbacks, which usually have been neglected during the draft until last season.
"Carson Palmer and Donovan McNabb were critical to our success last season, then we picked up Drew Brees off the waiver wire," Shea said. "Needless to say, we were extremely fortunate. We're currently engaged in conversations with several quarterbacks who could be playing here this season."
"Currently ENGAGED in conversations?" Tiffany said while shoving her left ring finger in Shea's face. "Get it? ENGAGED in conversations? ENGAGED? RING? ENGAGED? Anybody home up there?"
Shea then focused on wide receivers.
"Who knows what will happen with wide receivers," Shea said. "There are a lot of good ones out there. My proposal is to get at least two solid starters in the first six rounds."
"My PROPOSAL?" an exasperated Tiffany replied. "Do you need me to spell it out for you? PROPOSAL? ENGAGED? RING? POP THE QUESTION? Do you even care? Don't you love me? HELLOOOOOO!!!!"
Shea refused to pop the question on Wednesday, citing the "Give Tiffany a Last Name" contest currently go on. Shea currently ranks third in the contest behind Martin and Ebersole.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
NHL considers shootout to end Tiffany's 15 minutes of fame
ANAHEIM, Calif. — With the Stanley Cup securely in the clutches of the Anaheim Ducks, National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman has turned his attention to more pressing issues in preparation for the 2007-08 NHL season.
Should the league loosen up its obstruction rules?
Should goalies be allowed to play the puck anywhere on the ice?
Should any changes be made to overtime?
What does the league need to do about Tiffany?
"Tiffany's 15 minutes of fame is closing in on 20 years now," Bettman said about the Showering with Tiffany co-owner in his "State of the NHL" address. "Can we continue dragging this out with no end in sight? We're closing in on the 700,000th overtime now. We seriously need to think about instituting the shootout?"
Bettman emphasized that the shootout has ended the 15 minutes of fame for such musical acts as Billy Vera and the Beaters, Bruce Hornsby and the Range, Kajagoogoo and Gerardo.
"We have killed off the careers of Wall of Voodoo and Jane Child thanks to the shootout rule," Bettman said. "Why can't we do this for Tiffany? If I hear 'I Think We're Alone Now' one more time, I think I'm going to throw up.
"Over the past 20 years, some of our greatest superstars — Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Mark Messier, Steve Yzerman — and our new stars — Sidney Crosby, Alexander Ovechkin, Evgeni Malkin — have tried to end her 15 minutes of fame.
"But every time you think it's going to end, one of our great goaltenders — Patrick Roy, Martin Brodeur, Dominik Hasek — comes up with a huge save and Tiffany remains alive.
"Please, let this insanity end."
When reached Thursday at his Nova Scotia home, Crosby recalled how he has spent more than half of his life dealing with the media.
"The reporters always asked me three things — Who is your idol? What team do you hope to play for in the NHL? And can you end Tiffany's 15 minutes of fame?" Crosby said. "Frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of answering the same questions over and over again. I wholeheartedly endorse the shootout if I never have to hear 'Radio Romance' again."
Hours after celebrating his first Stanley Cup championship, Anaheim goaltender J.S. Giguere offered an opposing view.
"I'm so happy we finally won the Cup," Giguere said. "It was great to see Rob Niedermeyer, Chris Pronger and Teemu Selanne finally get to carry it around. Man, I was in tears when Teemu was holding it up.
"I'm also in tears thinking about Mr. Bettman's suggestion for ending Tiffany's career. The two biggest groups of Tiffany fans are middle-school girls and NHL goaltenders. The girls can't handle Mr. Bettman's suggestion, so it's up to us to keep Tiffany's career alive. Just listen to 'I Saw Him Standing There' a thousand times like I have and you'll know what I mean."
Tiffany, who weighed in at 138 pounds on Thursday in order to stay within the guidelines of co-owner Tim Shea's contract, could not be reached for comment because she was attending her first Orange Julius stockholders meeting.
Should the league loosen up its obstruction rules?
Should goalies be allowed to play the puck anywhere on the ice?
Should any changes be made to overtime?
What does the league need to do about Tiffany?
"Tiffany's 15 minutes of fame is closing in on 20 years now," Bettman said about the Showering with Tiffany co-owner in his "State of the NHL" address. "Can we continue dragging this out with no end in sight? We're closing in on the 700,000th overtime now. We seriously need to think about instituting the shootout?"
Bettman emphasized that the shootout has ended the 15 minutes of fame for such musical acts as Billy Vera and the Beaters, Bruce Hornsby and the Range, Kajagoogoo and Gerardo.
"We have killed off the careers of Wall of Voodoo and Jane Child thanks to the shootout rule," Bettman said. "Why can't we do this for Tiffany? If I hear 'I Think We're Alone Now' one more time, I think I'm going to throw up.
"Over the past 20 years, some of our greatest superstars — Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Mark Messier, Steve Yzerman — and our new stars — Sidney Crosby, Alexander Ovechkin, Evgeni Malkin — have tried to end her 15 minutes of fame.
"But every time you think it's going to end, one of our great goaltenders — Patrick Roy, Martin Brodeur, Dominik Hasek — comes up with a huge save and Tiffany remains alive.
"Please, let this insanity end."
When reached Thursday at his Nova Scotia home, Crosby recalled how he has spent more than half of his life dealing with the media.
"The reporters always asked me three things — Who is your idol? What team do you hope to play for in the NHL? And can you end Tiffany's 15 minutes of fame?" Crosby said. "Frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of answering the same questions over and over again. I wholeheartedly endorse the shootout if I never have to hear 'Radio Romance' again."
Hours after celebrating his first Stanley Cup championship, Anaheim goaltender J.S. Giguere offered an opposing view.
"I'm so happy we finally won the Cup," Giguere said. "It was great to see Rob Niedermeyer, Chris Pronger and Teemu Selanne finally get to carry it around. Man, I was in tears when Teemu was holding it up.
"I'm also in tears thinking about Mr. Bettman's suggestion for ending Tiffany's career. The two biggest groups of Tiffany fans are middle-school girls and NHL goaltenders. The girls can't handle Mr. Bettman's suggestion, so it's up to us to keep Tiffany's career alive. Just listen to 'I Saw Him Standing There' a thousand times like I have and you'll know what I mean."
Tiffany, who weighed in at 138 pounds on Thursday in order to stay within the guidelines of co-owner Tim Shea's contract, could not be reached for comment because she was attending her first Orange Julius stockholders meeting.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
URGENT: Shea considers team name change
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Following an emergency management meeting on Thursday, Tiffany at Breakfast co-owner Tim Shea announced he is strongly considering changing the name of his fantasy football franchise.
"We're having problems with the 'Tiffany at Breakfast' name." Shea said. "We've had too many people come up to me and talk about their excitement about 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' coming here.
"Heck, I've even screwed up the name already. Look at the last story that was printed about the team. It had the team name as 'Breakfast at Tiffany.' Doh!!!"
Shea revealed that he had a moment Thursday afternoon where he came up with the perfect team name, along the lines of his previous team name, Probing Thea Andrews.
"Showering with Tiffany," Shea said. "It was just one of those moments. I have no idea where the hell that came from, but I think it's a stroke of genius."
After the painful breakup of the Andrews-Shea pairing, the co-owner finally has found bliss.
"I live in Amish country, I own a championship fantasy football franchise and I'm showering with Tiffany," Shea said. "Isn't that every man's fantasy?"
Upon hearing the news, Brad Pitt, who is being considered for the lead role in a motion picture about Shea's life, agreed with the co-owner's assessment.
"Wow, that's unbelievable," Pitt said. "Who wouldn't want to be in Tim's shoes right now. Or in his shower? I'm stuck with Angelina and a bunch of kids that we've adopted from Third World countries. Man, my guidance counselor really screwed me over somewhere down the line."
Tiffany, who weighed in at 136 pounds on Thursday in keeping with Shea's weight-range requirement, was unavailable for comment. She apparently was meeting with representatives of Bath & Body Works to bring a store to Intercourse.
"We're having problems with the 'Tiffany at Breakfast' name." Shea said. "We've had too many people come up to me and talk about their excitement about 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' coming here.
"Heck, I've even screwed up the name already. Look at the last story that was printed about the team. It had the team name as 'Breakfast at Tiffany.' Doh!!!"
Shea revealed that he had a moment Thursday afternoon where he came up with the perfect team name, along the lines of his previous team name, Probing Thea Andrews.
"Showering with Tiffany," Shea said. "It was just one of those moments. I have no idea where the hell that came from, but I think it's a stroke of genius."
After the painful breakup of the Andrews-Shea pairing, the co-owner finally has found bliss.
"I live in Amish country, I own a championship fantasy football franchise and I'm showering with Tiffany," Shea said. "Isn't that every man's fantasy?"
Upon hearing the news, Brad Pitt, who is being considered for the lead role in a motion picture about Shea's life, agreed with the co-owner's assessment.
"Wow, that's unbelievable," Pitt said. "Who wouldn't want to be in Tim's shoes right now. Or in his shower? I'm stuck with Angelina and a bunch of kids that we've adopted from Third World countries. Man, my guidance counselor really screwed me over somewhere down the line."
Tiffany, who weighed in at 136 pounds on Thursday in keeping with Shea's weight-range requirement, was unavailable for comment. She apparently was meeting with representatives of Bath & Body Works to bring a store to Intercourse.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Preliminary plat for Orange Julius approved
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — A plan by mall singer and Breakfast at Tiffany co-owner Tiffany to build an Orange Julius in town received preliminary plat approval on Wednesday night from the Intercourse Planning Commission.
The controversial project now moves on to a yet-to-be scheduled public hearing.
"Tiffany has gone through all of the proper channels with this plan," said Jonas Martin, president of the planning commission. "She has followed this to the letter of the Amish law, so we had no choice but to approve it."
Under the plan, the Amish people would raise an Orange Julius on Main Street. The plan includes seating for 15 and enough room to park four horses and buggies.
The lack of electricity in town did not faze Tiffany, who is determined to go through with the plan despite objections from the majority of Intercourse residents.
"I'm confident that the Amish will accept my plan, and this could serve as a place where teens hang out and will be a deterrent to violent crime here," the mall singer said. "Once they taste an Orange Julius, they will be happy it's here."
Due to the lack of electricity, which would power the blenders needed to create the variety of Julius drinks, Tiffany said her employees would have to churn the concoctions by hand. Tiffany estimated that the time to make an Orange Julius would increase from about a minute to nearly 15 minutes.
"I understand the obstacles in opening an Orange Julius here, but I'm going full speed ahead," said Tiffany, who weighed in at 135 pounds, therefore staying within Tiffany at Breakfast co-owner Tim Shea's required weight range of between 135 and 140 pounds.
Tiffany is expected to face a firestorm of criticism during the public hearing that is required in order for the Orange Julius to be built.
"I'm nervous about the hearing, but I'm ready to face them," Tiffany said. "Basically, I'll listen to their complaints and then I'll tell them to just chill out. And what better way to do that than drinking a refreshing Orange Julius."
Plans for a roller grill to cook hot dogs and various sausages have been put on hold by Tiffany until the Amish "wake up and get into the 19th century and bring some electricity here," she said. "How do these Amish kids recharge their iPods? Man, that Frank Benjamin dude like never would have invented electricity if he knew these people."
Tiffany declined comment on the rumors that she also is planning to open a Sbarro Italian Eatery and Disney Store in the near future.
The controversial project now moves on to a yet-to-be scheduled public hearing.
"Tiffany has gone through all of the proper channels with this plan," said Jonas Martin, president of the planning commission. "She has followed this to the letter of the Amish law, so we had no choice but to approve it."
Under the plan, the Amish people would raise an Orange Julius on Main Street. The plan includes seating for 15 and enough room to park four horses and buggies.
The lack of electricity in town did not faze Tiffany, who is determined to go through with the plan despite objections from the majority of Intercourse residents.
"I'm confident that the Amish will accept my plan, and this could serve as a place where teens hang out and will be a deterrent to violent crime here," the mall singer said. "Once they taste an Orange Julius, they will be happy it's here."
Due to the lack of electricity, which would power the blenders needed to create the variety of Julius drinks, Tiffany said her employees would have to churn the concoctions by hand. Tiffany estimated that the time to make an Orange Julius would increase from about a minute to nearly 15 minutes.
"I understand the obstacles in opening an Orange Julius here, but I'm going full speed ahead," said Tiffany, who weighed in at 135 pounds, therefore staying within Tiffany at Breakfast co-owner Tim Shea's required weight range of between 135 and 140 pounds.
Tiffany is expected to face a firestorm of criticism during the public hearing that is required in order for the Orange Julius to be built.
"I'm nervous about the hearing, but I'm ready to face them," Tiffany said. "Basically, I'll listen to their complaints and then I'll tell them to just chill out. And what better way to do that than drinking a refreshing Orange Julius."
Plans for a roller grill to cook hot dogs and various sausages have been put on hold by Tiffany until the Amish "wake up and get into the 19th century and bring some electricity here," she said. "How do these Amish kids recharge their iPods? Man, that Frank Benjamin dude like never would have invented electricity if he knew these people."
Tiffany declined comment on the rumors that she also is planning to open a Sbarro Italian Eatery and Disney Store in the near future.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Shea waxes poetic about Tiffany's rack
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — As the Amish begin to adjust to life with Tiffany, Tiffany at Breakfast co-owner Tim Shea talked about the assets that the former mall singing sensation brings to the franchise.
"First, it's not like she's on the road all the time, so she'll have plenty of time to perform her co-owner duties," Shea said. "If(former co-owner) Thea (Andrews) wants to spend the rest of her life tracking down the Joey Buttafucco-Amy Fisher romance or some other 'shocking revelation,' then so be it."
Shea also revealed a clause in Tiffany's co-owner clause that she weigh between 134 and 140 pounds in order to stay at her "peak of adorability."
"I'm sure Tiffany would like to be lighter than that, but I adore her the way she is now," Shea said. "Anyway, once you start eating the foods that the Amish make, it's hard to look like a supermodel."
Shea then shocked the media assembled at Tuesday's press conference with a "shocking revelation."
"Has anyone checked out Tiffany's rack yet," Shea said.
"I love her rack," Shea continued. "She's got nutmeg, anise and cilantro — man, she has an incredible rack.
"Basil, cinnamon, cumin, sage — have you checked out her rack lately? It's one sensational rack.
"I never noticed her rack when she was at the peak of her popularity 20 years ago. I don't know if she had thyme, saffron or ginger then. But holy cow, her rack must have gotten a lot bigger after her second album. I mean, her rack really stands out.
"Not only does she have juniper and tarragon, but she even has asafoetida and nigella. That's a well-rounded rack.
"She talks about wanting to make her rack smaller, but you can't get rid of sesame or licorice or caraway. I mean, she has a perfect rack right now."
Upon hearing Shea's comments about Tiffany, radio sports talk show host Jim Rome said very little.
"Rack it," Rome said.
"First, it's not like she's on the road all the time, so she'll have plenty of time to perform her co-owner duties," Shea said. "If(former co-owner) Thea (Andrews) wants to spend the rest of her life tracking down the Joey Buttafucco-Amy Fisher romance or some other 'shocking revelation,' then so be it."
Shea also revealed a clause in Tiffany's co-owner clause that she weigh between 134 and 140 pounds in order to stay at her "peak of adorability."
"I'm sure Tiffany would like to be lighter than that, but I adore her the way she is now," Shea said. "Anyway, once you start eating the foods that the Amish make, it's hard to look like a supermodel."
Shea then shocked the media assembled at Tuesday's press conference with a "shocking revelation."
"Has anyone checked out Tiffany's rack yet," Shea said.
"I love her rack," Shea continued. "She's got nutmeg, anise and cilantro — man, she has an incredible rack.
"Basil, cinnamon, cumin, sage — have you checked out her rack lately? It's one sensational rack.
"I never noticed her rack when she was at the peak of her popularity 20 years ago. I don't know if she had thyme, saffron or ginger then. But holy cow, her rack must have gotten a lot bigger after her second album. I mean, her rack really stands out.
"Not only does she have juniper and tarragon, but she even has asafoetida and nigella. That's a well-rounded rack.
"She talks about wanting to make her rack smaller, but you can't get rid of sesame or licorice or caraway. I mean, she has a perfect rack right now."
Upon hearing Shea's comments about Tiffany, radio sports talk show host Jim Rome said very little.
"Rack it," Rome said.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Shea: TIffany would have been a 'cool girlfriend in college'
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Another reason for the ownership change for Tim Shea's fantasy football team emerged during a Memorial Day weekend press conference.
In an attempt to relive his drunken glory days at Indiana University of Pennsylvania, Shea said Tiffany, the team's new co-owner, is "somebody I'd have hit on if I was at a bar when I was at IUP."
"(Former co-owner) Thea (Andrews) is a beautiful women, but let's face it, I'd have needed about a case of I.C. Light to even begin thinking about trying to pick her up," Shea said. "With Tiffany, I might have only needed six to eight beers to start hitting on her."
Shea emphasized that he was referring to Tiffany as she is now and not while he was a senior in college.
"She was what, 16 years old, when I graduated from there," Shea said. "Can you say 'statutory rape'?"
"She really would have been a cool girlfriend in college," Shea continued. "She could have helped me through my History of Music class and I would have been cool with her. You know me — I'm 'Mr. Nice Guy,' and I'd have made sure to keep her happy at all costs because, basically, I was a really pathetic pushover. Of course, I still am."
Shea then began boring the media gathered with his ideal scenario for picking Tiffany up.
"It would have been a Thursday night and me and Chris (Edwards, his regular drinking buddy in college) would be heading out about 9 or 10 p.m.," Shea said. "This would have been while Chris was going through one of those breakups with Kim. Man, she could be a pain in the ass sometimes.
"But anyway, we'd head out to Ricupero's (a bar frequented by 'townies') and have a couple of drafts to warm up. We'd be sitting there talking about the hockey league we wanted to start up or the radio station we would buy.
"About 11 p.m., we'd walk down Main Street and figure out where to go next. We'd probably head down to Kangaroo's for a quick drink and see what the heck was going on. At this point, I'd go ahead and order a 'Blue Kangaroo,' which was a drink with several kinds of alcohol that ended up turning blue like the ocean, and then they'd put some Gummi Fish in there like they were swimming in the ocean. Man, did I get a stomach ache one time when I drank about four of those. God, that was awful.
"But anyway, there probably wouldn't be much going on at Kangaroo's, so you know what would happen then — time to head to the Coney Island.
"So we'd order a couple of beers and listen to the band that was playing for a while and watch the TV with the sound down. About midnight, Tiffany would come in the bar with one of her friends — I don't know, maybe Debbie Gibson — and they'd order something.
"So we'd walk past them — the bar's getting pretty crowded about now, so it's tough to move around. I'd see Tiffany and I'd smile at her and she'd smile back. Wouldn't say anything yet, I'm only about on my fourth beer at this point.
"But anyway, once we got past them and found someplace else to stand, Chris would say something like "What did you think of that blonde chick,' which would have been Debbie Gibson. I'd say 'She's cool. Her friend looks pretty nice.'
"So we'd go through this a couple of more times. We'd walk past and I'd smile at Tiffany and she'd smile back. Still not quite ready to hit on her at this point.
"About 1 a.m., people are starting to leave and tables start to open up, so Tiffany and Debbie sit down. At this point, Chris, who's more outgoing that I was in these situations, would start talking about going over and talking to them and seeing what's going on.
"So Chris would go over and say, 'Hey, how's it going?' I'd look at Tiffany and smile — AGAIN. Chris would be making small talk with Debbie and then she'd say, 'Hey, you guys want to sit down?' So, of course, we're going to accept the invitation. I mean, we're guys who've had a few beers being invited to sit down by two cute chicks. I don't think we're saying no.
"So Chris would start carrying the conversation. He'd say something about the band that was playing and Debbie would say something about the Johnny Rotten shirt that he always liked to wear. So they'd start talking about punk rock — yeah, imagine Debbie Gibson talking about puck rock. Whatever — and he'd get me and Tiffany into the conversation by asking her what kind of music she liked.
"She's say, 'Well, punk rock is cool, but I really am more into alternative — yeah, sure the real Tiffany probably hates the stuff, but just play along with me here. She'd say her favorite album was 'Night and Day' by Joe Jackson.
"So here's where I come in. I'd say, 'I LOVE that album. Oh my God, that's awesome.' So then, me and Tiffany are starting to talk about music, then I'd ask her about her major and where she's from and all that stuff. At this point, I'm definitely getting into 'pickup mode.'
"So it's 2 a.m. and it's time to leave. Chris would offer for us to walk them home. We'd say we want to make sure you guys are safe, but we'd really be thinking about how far we could get with them. I'm hoping at least to second base, but if I only get to first, OK, that's cool too.
"So Chris would put his arm around Debbie and would say, 'OK, let's go.' So I'd get up and extend my hand out to Tiffany so that she could get up. Except I don't let go of her hand and hope she's cool with it. And she doesn't let go! Man, that would be so cool!
"So we'd get over to their place and me and Tiffany start, like making out. Of course, in my inebriated state at that point, I'd try to extend the single into a double, but Tiffany would say something about not wanting to do that. I'd be like, 'OK,' so we'd just keep making out. You know me — 'Mr. Nice Guy.' I'm happy just to be in liplock at this point, so why screw that up?
"So then we'd actually keep seeing each other and she'd be my girlfriend. Is that like totally cool or what?"
Shea went on to say that this scenario actually happened during his senior year at IUP, except that he was the one with the "cute blonde" and Chris was with "the chunky chick with the darker hair." And it was only a one-night event and he never saw the "cute blonde" again.
When reached for comment, Edwards laughed and said, "Yeah, that actually did happen. He was with that Amy chick, and I was with, God, I can't remember her name."
Edwards also said that he definitely would not have tried to pick up Gibson, and expressed shock that Shea finally had gotten over his senior year crush on Kate Bush.
In an attempt to relive his drunken glory days at Indiana University of Pennsylvania, Shea said Tiffany, the team's new co-owner, is "somebody I'd have hit on if I was at a bar when I was at IUP."
"(Former co-owner) Thea (Andrews) is a beautiful women, but let's face it, I'd have needed about a case of I.C. Light to even begin thinking about trying to pick her up," Shea said. "With Tiffany, I might have only needed six to eight beers to start hitting on her."
Shea emphasized that he was referring to Tiffany as she is now and not while he was a senior in college.
"She was what, 16 years old, when I graduated from there," Shea said. "Can you say 'statutory rape'?"
"She really would have been a cool girlfriend in college," Shea continued. "She could have helped me through my History of Music class and I would have been cool with her. You know me — I'm 'Mr. Nice Guy,' and I'd have made sure to keep her happy at all costs because, basically, I was a really pathetic pushover. Of course, I still am."
Shea then began boring the media gathered with his ideal scenario for picking Tiffany up.
"It would have been a Thursday night and me and Chris (Edwards, his regular drinking buddy in college) would be heading out about 9 or 10 p.m.," Shea said. "This would have been while Chris was going through one of those breakups with Kim. Man, she could be a pain in the ass sometimes.
"But anyway, we'd head out to Ricupero's (a bar frequented by 'townies') and have a couple of drafts to warm up. We'd be sitting there talking about the hockey league we wanted to start up or the radio station we would buy.
"About 11 p.m., we'd walk down Main Street and figure out where to go next. We'd probably head down to Kangaroo's for a quick drink and see what the heck was going on. At this point, I'd go ahead and order a 'Blue Kangaroo,' which was a drink with several kinds of alcohol that ended up turning blue like the ocean, and then they'd put some Gummi Fish in there like they were swimming in the ocean. Man, did I get a stomach ache one time when I drank about four of those. God, that was awful.
"But anyway, there probably wouldn't be much going on at Kangaroo's, so you know what would happen then — time to head to the Coney Island.
"So we'd order a couple of beers and listen to the band that was playing for a while and watch the TV with the sound down. About midnight, Tiffany would come in the bar with one of her friends — I don't know, maybe Debbie Gibson — and they'd order something.
"So we'd walk past them — the bar's getting pretty crowded about now, so it's tough to move around. I'd see Tiffany and I'd smile at her and she'd smile back. Wouldn't say anything yet, I'm only about on my fourth beer at this point.
"But anyway, once we got past them and found someplace else to stand, Chris would say something like "What did you think of that blonde chick,' which would have been Debbie Gibson. I'd say 'She's cool. Her friend looks pretty nice.'
"So we'd go through this a couple of more times. We'd walk past and I'd smile at Tiffany and she'd smile back. Still not quite ready to hit on her at this point.
"About 1 a.m., people are starting to leave and tables start to open up, so Tiffany and Debbie sit down. At this point, Chris, who's more outgoing that I was in these situations, would start talking about going over and talking to them and seeing what's going on.
"So Chris would go over and say, 'Hey, how's it going?' I'd look at Tiffany and smile — AGAIN. Chris would be making small talk with Debbie and then she'd say, 'Hey, you guys want to sit down?' So, of course, we're going to accept the invitation. I mean, we're guys who've had a few beers being invited to sit down by two cute chicks. I don't think we're saying no.
"So Chris would start carrying the conversation. He'd say something about the band that was playing and Debbie would say something about the Johnny Rotten shirt that he always liked to wear. So they'd start talking about punk rock — yeah, imagine Debbie Gibson talking about puck rock. Whatever — and he'd get me and Tiffany into the conversation by asking her what kind of music she liked.
"She's say, 'Well, punk rock is cool, but I really am more into alternative — yeah, sure the real Tiffany probably hates the stuff, but just play along with me here. She'd say her favorite album was 'Night and Day' by Joe Jackson.
"So here's where I come in. I'd say, 'I LOVE that album. Oh my God, that's awesome.' So then, me and Tiffany are starting to talk about music, then I'd ask her about her major and where she's from and all that stuff. At this point, I'm definitely getting into 'pickup mode.'
"So it's 2 a.m. and it's time to leave. Chris would offer for us to walk them home. We'd say we want to make sure you guys are safe, but we'd really be thinking about how far we could get with them. I'm hoping at least to second base, but if I only get to first, OK, that's cool too.
"So Chris would put his arm around Debbie and would say, 'OK, let's go.' So I'd get up and extend my hand out to Tiffany so that she could get up. Except I don't let go of her hand and hope she's cool with it. And she doesn't let go! Man, that would be so cool!
"So we'd get over to their place and me and Tiffany start, like making out. Of course, in my inebriated state at that point, I'd try to extend the single into a double, but Tiffany would say something about not wanting to do that. I'd be like, 'OK,' so we'd just keep making out. You know me — 'Mr. Nice Guy.' I'm happy just to be in liplock at this point, so why screw that up?
"So then we'd actually keep seeing each other and she'd be my girlfriend. Is that like totally cool or what?"
Shea went on to say that this scenario actually happened during his senior year at IUP, except that he was the one with the "cute blonde" and Chris was with "the chunky chick with the darker hair." And it was only a one-night event and he never saw the "cute blonde" again.
When reached for comment, Edwards laughed and said, "Yeah, that actually did happen. He was with that Amy chick, and I was with, God, I can't remember her name."
Edwards also said that he definitely would not have tried to pick up Gibson, and expressed shock that Shea finally had gotten over his senior year crush on Kate Bush.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
I don't think we're alone now — Tiffany is new co-owner of Shea's fantasy team
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Move over Thea Andrews — a new fantasy football era is set to begin.
After several months of agony, the "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent has left her role as co-owner of Tim Shea's 2006 championship fantasy football team.
The new owner — Tiffany, the famous mall singer and current cast member of VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club."
With the ownership change comes a team name change as well.
Goodbye "Probing Thea Andrews." Hello "Tiffany at Breakfast."
The wheels began turning on the ownership change several months ago as Andrews, former co-host of ESPN's "Cold Pizza," began her new job as an "ET" correspondent.
Andrews now is pursuing every possible angle of the Anna Nicole Smith saga — the lost Malibu tapes, the millions that baby Danielynn will inherit — and in a mutual agreement, said she no longer will serve as Shea's co-owner.
"Thea just became way too obsessed with Anna Nicole," Shea said. "She was taking planes to Bermuda, California, Texas ... she just had no time to serve in her role as co-owner, which is basically to make me happy and take care of my needs."
Shea said the last straw was when he overheard Andrews during a phone conversation.
"It just freaked me out," Shea said. "She was saying, 'Hi Danielynn, this is your Aunt Thea. I miss you sooooo much.' It was time for her to go"
Shea said Andrews' alleged engagement and blonder hair had little to do with the decision.
"We wish Thea the best of luck in her endeavors," Shea said. "It's just time to move on."
After considering several other options, now moving into Amish country is Tiffany, the 35-year-old mall singer who is still living off her 15 minutes of fame.
Tiffany's biggest adjustment as the new co-owner will be the lack of malls in the area.
"I'm glad I'm here, but I don't know how my career is going to survive," Tiffany said. "It's a nice area, but where's the Orange Julius or Piercing Pagoda? Don't the Amish realize how good an Orange Julius really is?"
Shea said he made his decision after seeing Tiffany on "Celebrity Fit Club."
"Wow, she is just ADORABLE," Shea said. "Thank God she's still living off her 15 mintues of fame. If not for VH1, I'd have never even thought of her as an owner."
Shea is hoping Tiffany will start her role as co-owner, which is basically to make him happy and take care of his needs, as soon as possible.
"She still wants to lose weight? God, she's fine now," Shea said. "She needs to get away from Dustin Diamond (Screech from "Saved by the Bell") and get here ASAP."
None of the other league owners commented on the move, saying they were too busy trying to get in touch with Debbie Gibson's agent.
After several months of agony, the "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent has left her role as co-owner of Tim Shea's 2006 championship fantasy football team.
The new owner — Tiffany, the famous mall singer and current cast member of VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club."
With the ownership change comes a team name change as well.
Goodbye "Probing Thea Andrews." Hello "Tiffany at Breakfast."
The wheels began turning on the ownership change several months ago as Andrews, former co-host of ESPN's "Cold Pizza," began her new job as an "ET" correspondent.
Andrews now is pursuing every possible angle of the Anna Nicole Smith saga — the lost Malibu tapes, the millions that baby Danielynn will inherit — and in a mutual agreement, said she no longer will serve as Shea's co-owner.
"Thea just became way too obsessed with Anna Nicole," Shea said. "She was taking planes to Bermuda, California, Texas ... she just had no time to serve in her role as co-owner, which is basically to make me happy and take care of my needs."
Shea said the last straw was when he overheard Andrews during a phone conversation.
"It just freaked me out," Shea said. "She was saying, 'Hi Danielynn, this is your Aunt Thea. I miss you sooooo much.' It was time for her to go"
Shea said Andrews' alleged engagement and blonder hair had little to do with the decision.
"We wish Thea the best of luck in her endeavors," Shea said. "It's just time to move on."
After considering several other options, now moving into Amish country is Tiffany, the 35-year-old mall singer who is still living off her 15 minutes of fame.
Tiffany's biggest adjustment as the new co-owner will be the lack of malls in the area.
"I'm glad I'm here, but I don't know how my career is going to survive," Tiffany said. "It's a nice area, but where's the Orange Julius or Piercing Pagoda? Don't the Amish realize how good an Orange Julius really is?"
Shea said he made his decision after seeing Tiffany on "Celebrity Fit Club."
"Wow, she is just ADORABLE," Shea said. "Thank God she's still living off her 15 mintues of fame. If not for VH1, I'd have never even thought of her as an owner."
Shea is hoping Tiffany will start her role as co-owner, which is basically to make him happy and take care of his needs, as soon as possible.
"She still wants to lose weight? God, she's fine now," Shea said. "She needs to get away from Dustin Diamond (Screech from "Saved by the Bell") and get here ASAP."
None of the other league owners commented on the move, saying they were too busy trying to get in touch with Debbie Gibson's agent.
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