Tiffany causes commotion at Clear Spring carnival

CLEAR SPRING, Md. — Another visit to Washington County meant another dose of trouble for mall singer Tiffany.
The stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer visited the Clear Spring Fireman's Carnival on Saturday night and "caused nothing but a heap of trouble," according to a person who attended the event.
The night started when Tim Shea, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise and the love of Tiffany's life, suggested the couple spend a night at the Clear Spring carnival.
The mall singer immediately became upset when the event failed to live up to her expectations.
"Man Tim, this is like so lame-o," Tiffany said. "I thought this was going to be cool. Where's the water rides and the roller coasters?"
Tiffany reluctantly agreed to stay after Shea told her that the carnival was "as American as hockey and Toyota."
But Tiffany caused more trouble when she went to a concession stand specializing in hamburgers, hot dogs and "American fries."
"Do you guys have any tacos?" Tiffany asked. "Man, I am starving for some good Mexican food. Mmmm mmmm."
After being told "Hey lady, this is America here. We don't serve that stuff," Tiffany relented and asked for some Oreo cookies she saw, not knowing that the concession stand was selling "Deep Fried Oreos."
"Hey, how much for the cookies, dude?" Tiffany asked.
Upon being told they would cost $4, Tiffany rolled her eyes.
"OK, I'll take them," a befuddled Tiffany said. "Jesus, what a ripoff."
The man then stuck the Oreos into a deep fryer, and Tiffany jumped at the man.
"Hey, give me my cookies, you moron," Tiffany said. "I mean, they're already done when they're in the package. They don't need to be cooked. Man, have you freaks like ever eaten these. Don't they sell them here in Virginia?"
Tiffany then caused another disturbance while a bluegrass band performed. The mall singer asked if the group would play a special request.
"Hey guys, can you like do 'I Think We're Alone Now' by Tiffany?" she asked. "That song is so cool."
The crowd immediately showed its displeasure, and members of the bluegrass band started rolling over in laughter.
"Hello? Tiffany? Don't you know who I'm talking about?" Tiffany said. "I like did that song in the '80s. Didn't you ever hear of it?"
Tiffany then got on the stage and wrestled the microphone away from the lead singer and began belting out her classic hit a capella before deputies with the Washington County Sheriff's Department were able to play "taser tag" and took her to the ground.
"Man, stop using that shock thingy," an enraged Tiffany said. "All I wanted was a taco and I'm being treated like a criminal. Save it for Debbie Gibson. I hate her."
As the night ended, the mall singer left with an inflatable SpongeBob SquarePants doll that Shea won for her by making free throws at a carnival game and minus $65 between spending money on Bingo games and tip jars.
"Please Tim, get us back to Intercourse sweetie," a tearful Tiffany said while Shea consoled the mall singer by calling her "my wittle snookums." "I can't handle this anymore. Don't ever bring me hear again. Get me back with those normal Amish inbreds."