INTERCOURSE, Pa. — With an Orange Julius set to open this weekend, 35-year-old stunningly beautiful mall singer Tiffany announced plans Thursday for her second business venture in Intercourse.
"I'm pleased to announce that we're going to have a Taco Bell here," a beaming Tiffany said to a disgruntled group of Intercourse residents. "Nothing like good Mexican food when you need something to eat fast. Mmmmm mmmmm."
Preliminary plans call for the restaurant to be built across the street from the Orange Julius, with seating for 40, parking for 12 horses and buggies, and a drive-through.
Some Intercourse residents who protested the arrival of Orange Julius in town say the mall singer has gone too far in her efforts to bring businesses here.
"Why on God's green earth do we need a Taco Bell here?" Ebenezer Yoder said. "We've been living off the land for hundreds of years now. We're not simply going to stop eating meatloaf, mashed potatoes and succotash to help her."
When informed of Yoder's comment, Tiffany appeared visibly upset.
"Gee whiz, like these people need to take a chill pill," Tiffany said. "And they'll need a chill pill after they try one of Taco Bell's burritos grande with hot sauce. Wow, my mouth's on fire just thinking about it. Mmmmm yummy."
Intercourse resident Jeremiah Ebersole took Tiffany up on her offer to try a burrito and immediately turned his nose up to the offering.
"I can't believe human beings actually consume this," Ebersole said. "What's wrong with meatloaf with gravy? I can't believe that woman actually eats that Taco Bell crap."
In order to provide the electricity needed to operate the restaurant, Tiffany and her fellow Showering With Tiffany co-owner, Tim Shea, purchased 25 electricity generators earlier this week.
"You know, maybe it's time for these inbreds who I call my new friends to give Taco Bell a try," Tiffany said. "Does it hurt to get out of their houses and go to a restaurant once in a great while? Maybe if they just try one double-stuffed chicken and cheese taco with guacamole, they might actually like it."
Shea, who has a minority stake in the Taco Bell franchise, suggested that the Intercourse restaurant try such items as meatloaf quesadillas with salsa and nachos smothered in cream gravy and topped with extra-hot jalapeno peppers.
An obviously miffed Tiffany abruptly left the press conference in order to attend to another matter of business she is planning on Friday.
"Does anyone know where the AT&T Store is here?" the mall singer asked. "I've got to get in line for one of those iPhones. I know the Amish kids are dying to get their hands on them. I've sent text messages to a few of them, but nobody's answered yet. Can I borrow a buggy so I can be the first in line?"
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Shea, Tiffany media gathering borders on nauseating
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — A press conference that was originally planned to update the local Showering With Tiffany media contingent on plans for the coming season turned into a sickening sweet love fest as co-owners Tim Shea and stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany spent the majority of the session "acting like they were back in the f*****g eighth grade," according to one reporter.
As Shea fielded his first question about his preference of a third-string running back, Tiffany immediately interrupted and showed the media throng a "Between You and Me" greeting card sent to her by Shea.
"Oh sweetie, this is so wonderful of you," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "'When I look at a star, I think of you. And I know that your heart is forever true.' Awwww, that's so perfect. I couldn't say it any better myself, smoochie woochie."
"That's OK, my little buttercup," Shea replied. "Actually, when I look at the scouting reports for Ahman Green and Marshawn Lynch, I also think of you."
"Ohhhhh, you know how to say the perfect thing every time," Tiffany said. "How lucky I am."
Before Shea could begin his analysis of backup quarterback prospects, Tiffany left the podium, then immediately came back with a surprise for him.
"Oh deary weary, I made this for you," Tiffany said. "It's a chocolate-chip angel food cake with chocolate buttercream icing and a double chocolate swirl topping. This is going to be sweet, but nothing could ever be as sweet as you, my darling warling."
"That is so sweet of you," Shea said. "An angel making me an angel food cake. This might be even sweeter than last season, when Chris Carter left Drew Brees on the waiver wire and I picked him up."
"Ohhhhhh ... wow, I'm such a lucky woman," Tiffany said. "I'm even sweeter than Drew Brees. If that doesn't mean love, then what does?"
As the press conference closed, Shea presented Tiffany with a gift of his own.
"For you, my sunshine, I have a special surprise for you," Shea said. "You've brought light back to my life and a smile to my heart. So here's some scouting reports of kickers. And maybe I'll even let you pick one at the draft."
Tiffany was unable to reply due to her uncontrollable sobs. Media members were unable to confirm whether she said "Vinatieri" or "I'm all teary."
As Shea fielded his first question about his preference of a third-string running back, Tiffany immediately interrupted and showed the media throng a "Between You and Me" greeting card sent to her by Shea.
"Oh sweetie, this is so wonderful of you," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "'When I look at a star, I think of you. And I know that your heart is forever true.' Awwww, that's so perfect. I couldn't say it any better myself, smoochie woochie."
"That's OK, my little buttercup," Shea replied. "Actually, when I look at the scouting reports for Ahman Green and Marshawn Lynch, I also think of you."
"Ohhhhh, you know how to say the perfect thing every time," Tiffany said. "How lucky I am."
Before Shea could begin his analysis of backup quarterback prospects, Tiffany left the podium, then immediately came back with a surprise for him.
"Oh deary weary, I made this for you," Tiffany said. "It's a chocolate-chip angel food cake with chocolate buttercream icing and a double chocolate swirl topping. This is going to be sweet, but nothing could ever be as sweet as you, my darling warling."
"That is so sweet of you," Shea said. "An angel making me an angel food cake. This might be even sweeter than last season, when Chris Carter left Drew Brees on the waiver wire and I picked him up."
"Ohhhhhh ... wow, I'm such a lucky woman," Tiffany said. "I'm even sweeter than Drew Brees. If that doesn't mean love, then what does?"
As the press conference closed, Shea presented Tiffany with a gift of his own.
"For you, my sunshine, I have a special surprise for you," Shea said. "You've brought light back to my life and a smile to my heart. So here's some scouting reports of kickers. And maybe I'll even let you pick one at the draft."
Tiffany was unable to reply due to her uncontrollable sobs. Media members were unable to confirm whether she said "Vinatieri" or "I'm all teary."
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Tiffany teaches Amish girls about safe sex
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Showering With Tiffany co-owner and former mall singing sensation Tiffany recently received her teaching certification from the Pennsylvania Department of Education.
The 35-year-old stunningly beautiful Tiffany was certified after agreeing to Gov. Ed Rendell's request to sing the national anthem before a Philadelphia Eagles home game this season.
Tiffany immediately had an impact on the impressionable and backward Amish youths.
"It's important that these Amish girls take precautions," Tiffany said. "One false move and either you get an STD or you're pregnant. I don't want these inbred girls to feel pressured to have sex with those inbred guys."
As part of her lesson plan, she taught the girls about sexually transmitted diseases, including gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia.
"I hope you girls don't ever get one of these," Tiffany told a wide-eyed class of Amish girls. "Once it happens to you, you'll be labeled a slut for life."
Tiffany then showed the girls the proper use of condoms by opening one and unrolling it on a banana.
"See, if you feel that you really need to prove your love to a guy, simply unroll one of these on his 'banana'" Tiffany said. "You'll feel so much better that you did."
At lunch the next day, an Amish girl whose identity is being protected in order not to be shunned walked up to a boy she has had a crush on in the cafeteria.
"I was so happy when she said loved me, and she wanted to prove it," said the boy, whose identity also is being protected.
The girl then took a condom provided to her by Tiffany and followed the lesson she learned the previous day.
"She then unrolled this weird looking balloon on my banana," the boy said. "I guess I'm really happy that she loves me and all.
"But I really was hungry for that banana."
Tiffany also is scheduled to begin teaching American history to the youths.
"I can't wait to start telling them about the history of our country," Tiffany said. "In my first class, I'll tell them that America was discovered by Christopher Cross. It's a known fact. After all, didn't he write 'Sailing' about that?"
The 35-year-old stunningly beautiful Tiffany was certified after agreeing to Gov. Ed Rendell's request to sing the national anthem before a Philadelphia Eagles home game this season.
Tiffany immediately had an impact on the impressionable and backward Amish youths.
"It's important that these Amish girls take precautions," Tiffany said. "One false move and either you get an STD or you're pregnant. I don't want these inbred girls to feel pressured to have sex with those inbred guys."
As part of her lesson plan, she taught the girls about sexually transmitted diseases, including gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia.
"I hope you girls don't ever get one of these," Tiffany told a wide-eyed class of Amish girls. "Once it happens to you, you'll be labeled a slut for life."
Tiffany then showed the girls the proper use of condoms by opening one and unrolling it on a banana.
"See, if you feel that you really need to prove your love to a guy, simply unroll one of these on his 'banana'" Tiffany said. "You'll feel so much better that you did."
At lunch the next day, an Amish girl whose identity is being protected in order not to be shunned walked up to a boy she has had a crush on in the cafeteria.
"I was so happy when she said loved me, and she wanted to prove it," said the boy, whose identity also is being protected.
The girl then took a condom provided to her by Tiffany and followed the lesson she learned the previous day.
"She then unrolled this weird looking balloon on my banana," the boy said. "I guess I'm really happy that she loves me and all.
"But I really was hungry for that banana."
Tiffany also is scheduled to begin teaching American history to the youths.
"I can't wait to start telling them about the history of our country," Tiffany said. "In my first class, I'll tell them that America was discovered by Christopher Cross. It's a known fact. After all, didn't he write 'Sailing' about that?"
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Dennis Miller hired as Showering With Tiffany analyst
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Are the Amish ready for this?
Former "Saturday Night Live" cast member Dennis Miller, who spent two years in the booth with Al Michaels and Dan Fouts on "Monday Night Football," has been hired as an analyst for Showering With Tiffany games in the 2007 season.
"We feel this is a great hire for us," Showering With Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea said Thursday. "He's got a great sense of humor. And hopefully, he's learned the rules of football by now, which would make him even better."
Miller was introduced to the media, and immediately began confusing those assembled at the press conference with his vague references, including life in medieval Europe in the 1500s as it relates to LaDanian Tomlinson's record breaking season, and how a Robert Frost poem takes him back to the time when he appeared in "Disclosure" with Michael Douglas.
Miller also took a couple of shots at the Amish.
"I was driving in here yesterday and I'm like, "Where the freakin' hell am I?" Miller said while Shea laughed uproariously. "These people look like the security detail at Kabul International Airport. Is bin Laden holed up here?
"And what about these buggies? I can imagine Jeff Gordon negotiating one of those through turn 3 at Talladega. He'd probably blow by it except for the fact that he'd put on the brakes so he could pet Secretariat."
Miller then directed a rant at Shea and his choice of co-owners.
"You trade in (former co-owner) Thea Andrews for Tiffany?" a perplexed Miller asked. "Gee, I've got a $1 bill in my pocket. Think I can swap a Benjamin for it?
"You must have gone to the Minnesota Vikings school of football management. Way to trade all those draft choices for Herschel Walker."
Miller then turned to Shea's co-owner Tiffany and spewed more invective her way.
"You moving into Amish country is like George Jefferson movin' on up to that deluxe apartment in the sky," Miller said as the 35-year-old mall singer fought back tears. "Man, what the hell happened to your career? You went down faster than a cheap hooker in an Amsterdam alleyway.
"So you go on 'Celebrity Fit Club' to revive your career? Wake up, cha cha, it flatlined 18 years ago! Leonard Nimoy is still going in search of you. Maybe it's time for him to hit The Salvation Army."
Miller then speculted on Shea's chances of repeating as champion with his new co-owner.
"Yeah, let's see what happens at the draft," Miller said. "Can't wait until the seventh round, when you're deciding between Eli Manning and Wayne Gretzky. I'm sure Tiffany will be a big help around round 12, when she realizes you still need a power forward. You've got as much of a chance of repeating as Paris Hilton does of winning an Oscar in the lifetime achievement category."
Miller will be paired with a yet-to-be determined play-by-play announcer. Shea was noncommital on whether he would consider a three-man booth that would include Dick Vitale.
Former "Saturday Night Live" cast member Dennis Miller, who spent two years in the booth with Al Michaels and Dan Fouts on "Monday Night Football," has been hired as an analyst for Showering With Tiffany games in the 2007 season.
"We feel this is a great hire for us," Showering With Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea said Thursday. "He's got a great sense of humor. And hopefully, he's learned the rules of football by now, which would make him even better."
Miller was introduced to the media, and immediately began confusing those assembled at the press conference with his vague references, including life in medieval Europe in the 1500s as it relates to LaDanian Tomlinson's record breaking season, and how a Robert Frost poem takes him back to the time when he appeared in "Disclosure" with Michael Douglas.
Miller also took a couple of shots at the Amish.
"I was driving in here yesterday and I'm like, "Where the freakin' hell am I?" Miller said while Shea laughed uproariously. "These people look like the security detail at Kabul International Airport. Is bin Laden holed up here?
"And what about these buggies? I can imagine Jeff Gordon negotiating one of those through turn 3 at Talladega. He'd probably blow by it except for the fact that he'd put on the brakes so he could pet Secretariat."
Miller then directed a rant at Shea and his choice of co-owners.
"You trade in (former co-owner) Thea Andrews for Tiffany?" a perplexed Miller asked. "Gee, I've got a $1 bill in my pocket. Think I can swap a Benjamin for it?
"You must have gone to the Minnesota Vikings school of football management. Way to trade all those draft choices for Herschel Walker."
Miller then turned to Shea's co-owner Tiffany and spewed more invective her way.
"You moving into Amish country is like George Jefferson movin' on up to that deluxe apartment in the sky," Miller said as the 35-year-old mall singer fought back tears. "Man, what the hell happened to your career? You went down faster than a cheap hooker in an Amsterdam alleyway.
"So you go on 'Celebrity Fit Club' to revive your career? Wake up, cha cha, it flatlined 18 years ago! Leonard Nimoy is still going in search of you. Maybe it's time for him to hit The Salvation Army."
Miller then speculted on Shea's chances of repeating as champion with his new co-owner.
"Yeah, let's see what happens at the draft," Miller said. "Can't wait until the seventh round, when you're deciding between Eli Manning and Wayne Gretzky. I'm sure Tiffany will be a big help around round 12, when she realizes you still need a power forward. You've got as much of a chance of repeating as Paris Hilton does of winning an Oscar in the lifetime achievement category."
Miller will be paired with a yet-to-be determined play-by-play announcer. Shea was noncommital on whether he would consider a three-man booth that would include Dick Vitale.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Tiffany on search to acquire last name
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Running backs, quarterbacks and wide receivers were among the topics discussed by Showering With Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea at a Wednesday afternoon press conference.
Meanwhile, Shea's fellow owner, mall singer Tiffany, engaged the reporters about — well, an engagement.
Shea discussed draft strategy for the 2007 fantasy football season, and the conversation began with running backs.
"It's highly likely we're going to go with running backs with our first two picks," Shea said. "We'll have to see what position we're going to be drafting. If we get the No. 1 pick, it's pretty much a lock that LaDanian Tomlinson will be our choice."
"LaDanian Tomlinson — that name has a nice ring to it," Tiffany said while pointing to her left ring finger. "Get it — a nice RING to it? Nice RING? RING? Hello???? Tim, can you hear me?"
Shea then turned his attention to quarterbacks, which usually have been neglected during the draft until last season.
"Carson Palmer and Donovan McNabb were critical to our success last season, then we picked up Drew Brees off the waiver wire," Shea said. "Needless to say, we were extremely fortunate. We're currently engaged in conversations with several quarterbacks who could be playing here this season."
"Currently ENGAGED in conversations?" Tiffany said while shoving her left ring finger in Shea's face. "Get it? ENGAGED in conversations? ENGAGED? RING? ENGAGED? Anybody home up there?"
Shea then focused on wide receivers.
"Who knows what will happen with wide receivers," Shea said. "There are a lot of good ones out there. My proposal is to get at least two solid starters in the first six rounds."
"My PROPOSAL?" an exasperated Tiffany replied. "Do you need me to spell it out for you? PROPOSAL? ENGAGED? RING? POP THE QUESTION? Do you even care? Don't you love me? HELLOOOOOO!!!!"
Shea refused to pop the question on Wednesday, citing the "Give Tiffany a Last Name" contest currently go on. Shea currently ranks third in the contest behind Martin and Ebersole.
Meanwhile, Shea's fellow owner, mall singer Tiffany, engaged the reporters about — well, an engagement.
Shea discussed draft strategy for the 2007 fantasy football season, and the conversation began with running backs.
"It's highly likely we're going to go with running backs with our first two picks," Shea said. "We'll have to see what position we're going to be drafting. If we get the No. 1 pick, it's pretty much a lock that LaDanian Tomlinson will be our choice."
"LaDanian Tomlinson — that name has a nice ring to it," Tiffany said while pointing to her left ring finger. "Get it — a nice RING to it? Nice RING? RING? Hello???? Tim, can you hear me?"
Shea then turned his attention to quarterbacks, which usually have been neglected during the draft until last season.
"Carson Palmer and Donovan McNabb were critical to our success last season, then we picked up Drew Brees off the waiver wire," Shea said. "Needless to say, we were extremely fortunate. We're currently engaged in conversations with several quarterbacks who could be playing here this season."
"Currently ENGAGED in conversations?" Tiffany said while shoving her left ring finger in Shea's face. "Get it? ENGAGED in conversations? ENGAGED? RING? ENGAGED? Anybody home up there?"
Shea then focused on wide receivers.
"Who knows what will happen with wide receivers," Shea said. "There are a lot of good ones out there. My proposal is to get at least two solid starters in the first six rounds."
"My PROPOSAL?" an exasperated Tiffany replied. "Do you need me to spell it out for you? PROPOSAL? ENGAGED? RING? POP THE QUESTION? Do you even care? Don't you love me? HELLOOOOOO!!!!"
Shea refused to pop the question on Wednesday, citing the "Give Tiffany a Last Name" contest currently go on. Shea currently ranks third in the contest behind Martin and Ebersole.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
NHL considers shootout to end Tiffany's 15 minutes of fame
ANAHEIM, Calif. — With the Stanley Cup securely in the clutches of the Anaheim Ducks, National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman has turned his attention to more pressing issues in preparation for the 2007-08 NHL season.
Should the league loosen up its obstruction rules?
Should goalies be allowed to play the puck anywhere on the ice?
Should any changes be made to overtime?
What does the league need to do about Tiffany?
"Tiffany's 15 minutes of fame is closing in on 20 years now," Bettman said about the Showering with Tiffany co-owner in his "State of the NHL" address. "Can we continue dragging this out with no end in sight? We're closing in on the 700,000th overtime now. We seriously need to think about instituting the shootout?"
Bettman emphasized that the shootout has ended the 15 minutes of fame for such musical acts as Billy Vera and the Beaters, Bruce Hornsby and the Range, Kajagoogoo and Gerardo.
"We have killed off the careers of Wall of Voodoo and Jane Child thanks to the shootout rule," Bettman said. "Why can't we do this for Tiffany? If I hear 'I Think We're Alone Now' one more time, I think I'm going to throw up.
"Over the past 20 years, some of our greatest superstars — Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Mark Messier, Steve Yzerman — and our new stars — Sidney Crosby, Alexander Ovechkin, Evgeni Malkin — have tried to end her 15 minutes of fame.
"But every time you think it's going to end, one of our great goaltenders — Patrick Roy, Martin Brodeur, Dominik Hasek — comes up with a huge save and Tiffany remains alive.
"Please, let this insanity end."
When reached Thursday at his Nova Scotia home, Crosby recalled how he has spent more than half of his life dealing with the media.
"The reporters always asked me three things — Who is your idol? What team do you hope to play for in the NHL? And can you end Tiffany's 15 minutes of fame?" Crosby said. "Frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of answering the same questions over and over again. I wholeheartedly endorse the shootout if I never have to hear 'Radio Romance' again."
Hours after celebrating his first Stanley Cup championship, Anaheim goaltender J.S. Giguere offered an opposing view.
"I'm so happy we finally won the Cup," Giguere said. "It was great to see Rob Niedermeyer, Chris Pronger and Teemu Selanne finally get to carry it around. Man, I was in tears when Teemu was holding it up.
"I'm also in tears thinking about Mr. Bettman's suggestion for ending Tiffany's career. The two biggest groups of Tiffany fans are middle-school girls and NHL goaltenders. The girls can't handle Mr. Bettman's suggestion, so it's up to us to keep Tiffany's career alive. Just listen to 'I Saw Him Standing There' a thousand times like I have and you'll know what I mean."
Tiffany, who weighed in at 138 pounds on Thursday in order to stay within the guidelines of co-owner Tim Shea's contract, could not be reached for comment because she was attending her first Orange Julius stockholders meeting.
Should the league loosen up its obstruction rules?
Should goalies be allowed to play the puck anywhere on the ice?
Should any changes be made to overtime?
What does the league need to do about Tiffany?
"Tiffany's 15 minutes of fame is closing in on 20 years now," Bettman said about the Showering with Tiffany co-owner in his "State of the NHL" address. "Can we continue dragging this out with no end in sight? We're closing in on the 700,000th overtime now. We seriously need to think about instituting the shootout?"
Bettman emphasized that the shootout has ended the 15 minutes of fame for such musical acts as Billy Vera and the Beaters, Bruce Hornsby and the Range, Kajagoogoo and Gerardo.
"We have killed off the careers of Wall of Voodoo and Jane Child thanks to the shootout rule," Bettman said. "Why can't we do this for Tiffany? If I hear 'I Think We're Alone Now' one more time, I think I'm going to throw up.
"Over the past 20 years, some of our greatest superstars — Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Mark Messier, Steve Yzerman — and our new stars — Sidney Crosby, Alexander Ovechkin, Evgeni Malkin — have tried to end her 15 minutes of fame.
"But every time you think it's going to end, one of our great goaltenders — Patrick Roy, Martin Brodeur, Dominik Hasek — comes up with a huge save and Tiffany remains alive.
"Please, let this insanity end."
When reached Thursday at his Nova Scotia home, Crosby recalled how he has spent more than half of his life dealing with the media.
"The reporters always asked me three things — Who is your idol? What team do you hope to play for in the NHL? And can you end Tiffany's 15 minutes of fame?" Crosby said. "Frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of answering the same questions over and over again. I wholeheartedly endorse the shootout if I never have to hear 'Radio Romance' again."
Hours after celebrating his first Stanley Cup championship, Anaheim goaltender J.S. Giguere offered an opposing view.
"I'm so happy we finally won the Cup," Giguere said. "It was great to see Rob Niedermeyer, Chris Pronger and Teemu Selanne finally get to carry it around. Man, I was in tears when Teemu was holding it up.
"I'm also in tears thinking about Mr. Bettman's suggestion for ending Tiffany's career. The two biggest groups of Tiffany fans are middle-school girls and NHL goaltenders. The girls can't handle Mr. Bettman's suggestion, so it's up to us to keep Tiffany's career alive. Just listen to 'I Saw Him Standing There' a thousand times like I have and you'll know what I mean."
Tiffany, who weighed in at 138 pounds on Thursday in order to stay within the guidelines of co-owner Tim Shea's contract, could not be reached for comment because she was attending her first Orange Julius stockholders meeting.
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