INTERCOURSE, Pa. — A press conference that was originally planned to update the local Showering With Tiffany media contingent on plans for the coming season turned into a sickening sweet love fest as co-owners Tim Shea and stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany spent the majority of the session "acting like they were back in the f*****g eighth grade," according to one reporter.
As Shea fielded his first question about his preference of a third-string running back, Tiffany immediately interrupted and showed the media throng a "Between You and Me" greeting card sent to her by Shea.
"Oh sweetie, this is so wonderful of you," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "'When I look at a star, I think of you. And I know that your heart is forever true.' Awwww, that's so perfect. I couldn't say it any better myself, smoochie woochie."
"That's OK, my little buttercup," Shea replied. "Actually, when I look at the scouting reports for Ahman Green and Marshawn Lynch, I also think of you."
"Ohhhhh, you know how to say the perfect thing every time," Tiffany said. "How lucky I am."
Before Shea could begin his analysis of backup quarterback prospects, Tiffany left the podium, then immediately came back with a surprise for him.
"Oh deary weary, I made this for you," Tiffany said. "It's a chocolate-chip angel food cake with chocolate buttercream icing and a double chocolate swirl topping. This is going to be sweet, but nothing could ever be as sweet as you, my darling warling."
"That is so sweet of you," Shea said. "An angel making me an angel food cake. This might be even sweeter than last season, when Chris Carter left Drew Brees on the waiver wire and I picked him up."
"Ohhhhhh ... wow, I'm such a lucky woman," Tiffany said. "I'm even sweeter than Drew Brees. If that doesn't mean love, then what does?"
As the press conference closed, Shea presented Tiffany with a gift of his own.
"For you, my sunshine, I have a special surprise for you," Shea said. "You've brought light back to my life and a smile to my heart. So here's some scouting reports of kickers. And maybe I'll even let you pick one at the draft."
Tiffany was unable to reply due to her uncontrollable sobs. Media members were unable to confirm whether she said "Vinatieri" or "I'm all teary."
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