INTERCOURSE, Pa. — With the Showering with Tiffany roster set for the 2007 fantasy football season, co-owner Tim Shea expressed satisfaction that he was able to draft four running backs in the first six rounds of Sunday's draft.
Meanwhile, stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany, aka "Wittle Snookums," expressed her satisfaction that Shea drafted "a wide receiver who can dance."
"Me and that Ocho Cinco dude (wide receiver Chad Johnson) are going into business together," a delighted Tiffany said at Friday's Showering with Tiffany media day. "I've tried to talk Tim into opening a dance studio with me, but he says he hates to dance. So I'm so glad that Ocho Cinco agreed to be my partner in my new business."
Tiffany expressed confidence that the predominantly Amish residents of Intercourse would embrace her latest business venture.
"I know these Amish kids will take advantage of the many services we plan to offer," the mall singer said. "They can learn about ballroom dancing if they want, but me and Ocho Cinco are going to specialize in more modern dances. I can't wait to see these Amish kids bump and grind it on the dance floor."
Jonas Yoder, a junior at Intercourse High School, disagreed with Tiffany's assessment that the business would take off.
"We're not allowed to dance or listen to music or play instruments," Yoder said. "This woman you call Tiffany is a complete outsider in our way of life. She keeps asking me if I have ever gotten any of her text messages. She is — how would you English say it — a total moron."
A befuddled Tiffany rolled her eyes when she heard of Yoder's comments.
"Not allowed to dance?" the mall singer asked. "I mean, do you have to listen to your parents all the time? These inbred kids who I call my new friends need to loosen up a little bit. Once they see 'Dirty Dancing,' they all will change their minds. Just wait and see."
Johnson expressed guarded optimism about the prospects for the dance studio, and hopes the Amish will adjust to his off-the-wall sense of humor.
"I'm trying to play practical jokes with these people, but they're not responding the way I hoped they would," the wide receiver said. "I'm all about entertaining the fans. I keep telling them about all of the touchdown celebrations I have planned for this season, but they don't seem to care. These people are pretty boring so far. They're like a bunch of Atlanta Falcons fans."
Later during the media day event, Tiffany started heaping praise on quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, which eventually led to another confrontation with the Showering with Tiffany beat writers.
"Man, now I know why they call you 'Big Ben,'" Tiffany said. "Man, you are SOOOOOOO big."
Roethlisberger thanked Tiffany for the comment as running backs Frank Gore, Deuce McAllister and Cedric Benson laughed behind the mall singer's back.
"I mean, look at the size of this dude," Tiffany said. "You're bigger than average. God, I'm getting so excited seeing how big you are."
As the media members began laughing out loud, Tiffany turned her attention to them.
"Why is it that you freakazoids start laughing every time I open my mouth," the mall singer said. "You guys are all so lame-o. You all wish you were as big as Ben. Just because I start talking about a guy who is so big doesn't mean you start laughing at me. Can't you understand me? Is it that hard?"
As the media members continued laughing, an enraged Tiffany spewed some more invective their way.
"You morons are just a bunch of stiffs," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "All I've done since I've been here is be nice to you guys and you treat me like garbage. I mean, I can't until you guys get what's coming to you."
Tiffany stormed away from the media gathering and into the arms of Shea, who was talking to the mall singer's new business partner.
"I'm sorry, honey," Shea said. "It'll be OK. I'll just go ahead and spring Johnson on them."
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Taco Bell open; The Gap is next
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — A grand opening ceremony was held Thursday for the new Taco Bell in Intercourse, the second business that Tiffany has opened in the backward Amish community.
"Well, we're still waiting for some customers to come here, but we're open for business," the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," said Thursday afternoon. "I guess all of the Amish people are going to come for dinner tonight. I know those burritos grande are going to be a hot seller tonight. Mmmmm yummy!"
Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise with Tim Shea, also announced plans to open a Gap retail store in the near future.
According to preliminary plans, The Gap would be next to Orange Julius and would have enough parking for 12 horses and buggies.
"These Amish people are pretty reserved, and I think opening a Gap will help them open up a little bit," the mall singer said. "Why do they wear all of those black and white clothes? BORINGGGGGGG!"
A couple of Amish residents expressed dismay over Tiffany's latest retail venture.
"I will never shop at The Gap, unless they sell wool black and white clothes," Ebenezer Ebersole said. "We're tired of all of these modern-day businesses that woman keeps opening. Nobody is going to shop there. Why can't we just stay in the 18th century like we always have?"
A miffed Tiffany rolled her eyes when she learned of Ebersole's remarks.
"You know, I'm just so sick and tired of these inbreds who I call my friends not wanting me to open any businesses here," the mall singer said. "I mean, why do these Amish dudes want to wear the clothes they have now when they can start wearing fleece hoodies in a wide variety of colors?
"And those bonnets and plain dresses the girls are wearing just do nothing for them. Why not show some cleavage and sex things up? Would it kill them to show off their belly buttons once in a great while?"
A preliminary plat for Tiffany's latest business venture is expected to pass the Intercourse Planning Commission, with a public hearing to be scheduled.
With public hearings for the first two businesses turning into heated meetings, Tiffany is expecting the same thing to happen at the next one.
"It's time for these Amish freakazoids to like take a pill and accept change," Tiffany said. "Instead of having meatloaf and going to church, how about having a refreshing Orange Julius and shopping at The Gap. They just want to do the same thing day after day after day. Hello? You people are BORINGGGGGG."
Tiffany was optimistic that the Amish would soon start patronizing her current businesses, as well as possible future enterprises.
"Maybe I'm just not in tune with what the Amish want yet," the mall singer said. "I guess I'm trying to bring these people into the 20th century a little too soon. Maybe I'll open something they could use right now, like a video game store or Claire's Boutique."
"Well, we're still waiting for some customers to come here, but we're open for business," the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," said Thursday afternoon. "I guess all of the Amish people are going to come for dinner tonight. I know those burritos grande are going to be a hot seller tonight. Mmmmm yummy!"
Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise with Tim Shea, also announced plans to open a Gap retail store in the near future.
According to preliminary plans, The Gap would be next to Orange Julius and would have enough parking for 12 horses and buggies.
"These Amish people are pretty reserved, and I think opening a Gap will help them open up a little bit," the mall singer said. "Why do they wear all of those black and white clothes? BORINGGGGGGG!"
A couple of Amish residents expressed dismay over Tiffany's latest retail venture.
"I will never shop at The Gap, unless they sell wool black and white clothes," Ebenezer Ebersole said. "We're tired of all of these modern-day businesses that woman keeps opening. Nobody is going to shop there. Why can't we just stay in the 18th century like we always have?"
A miffed Tiffany rolled her eyes when she learned of Ebersole's remarks.
"You know, I'm just so sick and tired of these inbreds who I call my friends not wanting me to open any businesses here," the mall singer said. "I mean, why do these Amish dudes want to wear the clothes they have now when they can start wearing fleece hoodies in a wide variety of colors?
"And those bonnets and plain dresses the girls are wearing just do nothing for them. Why not show some cleavage and sex things up? Would it kill them to show off their belly buttons once in a great while?"
A preliminary plat for Tiffany's latest business venture is expected to pass the Intercourse Planning Commission, with a public hearing to be scheduled.
With public hearings for the first two businesses turning into heated meetings, Tiffany is expecting the same thing to happen at the next one.
"It's time for these Amish freakazoids to like take a pill and accept change," Tiffany said. "Instead of having meatloaf and going to church, how about having a refreshing Orange Julius and shopping at The Gap. They just want to do the same thing day after day after day. Hello? You people are BORINGGGGGG."
Tiffany was optimistic that the Amish would soon start patronizing her current businesses, as well as possible future enterprises.
"Maybe I'm just not in tune with what the Amish want yet," the mall singer said. "I guess I'm trying to bring these people into the 20th century a little too soon. Maybe I'll open something they could use right now, like a video game store or Claire's Boutique."
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tiffany wants to spend romantic weekend on TMI
INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Wednesday's press briefing by Showering with Tiffany co-owner Tim Shea turned into another tumultuous encounter between Tiffany and members of the media.
As Shea gave an update on quarterback rankings, the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," interjected with her opinion on who should be the first quarterback taken.
"Did you guys see the Hall of Fame game the other night?" Tiffany asked the media throng. "How about that quarterback who was like throwing the ball?"
"Drew Brees?" one sportswriter asked.
"No, one of the Pittsburgh dudes," Tiffany replied.
Media members started snickering when they thought the mall singer was referring to Ben Roethlisberger, but began laughing when they found out Tiffany was referring to "that other dude, you know, that St. something — some German name."
After Shea said the chances of drafting Brian St. Pierre were about the same as "spending a weekend on Three Mile Island," the press conference turned from the sublime to the hysterical.
"Three Mile Island? Oh sweetie, that sounds so romantic," Tiffany said. "Let's go away this weekend. Please, please, please? God, I feel like I'm glowing."
While a befuddled Shea struggled to respond, the mall singer continued talking about her planned getaway.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Tiffany asked. "Oh, don't worry about how much it's going to cost. We need some alone time. Should I bring my swimsuit or are we just going to spend the entire weekend indoors?"
Shea replied by saying that they would have plenty of privacy, but the accommodations left much to be desired.
"Oh, then let's go camping," the mall singer replied. "We can make some S'mores and I'm sure there will be water somewhere. It's going to suck not having a microwave though."
Tiffany then turned to the sportswriters, who were on the floor rolling in laughter, and spewed some invective in their direction.
"You know, I'm so tired of how immature you guys are," Tiffany said. "You're all jealous because you can't spend a romantic weekend with my sweetie on Three Mile Island. Man, you morons are like going nuclear."
As the sportswriters continued to laugh, a flustered Tiffany became even more enraged.
"I'm so like sick and tired of you guys making fun of me," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "You're all so totally lame-o. I try being nice to you guys and this is the thanks I get? That's fine. If you guys want to see me have a meltdown, well congratulations. You're nothing but a bunch of freakazoids who like Debbie Gibson. I hate you!"
Tiffany left the stage briefly, then returned.
"Hey honey, I've got an even better idea than Three Mile Island," she said. "Let's just get as far away from these sportswriter jerks as we can. There are plenty of islands in the Pacific we can go to and never leave. So how do you get to Alcatraz?"
As Shea gave an update on quarterback rankings, the stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer, aka "Wittle Snookums," interjected with her opinion on who should be the first quarterback taken.
"Did you guys see the Hall of Fame game the other night?" Tiffany asked the media throng. "How about that quarterback who was like throwing the ball?"
"Drew Brees?" one sportswriter asked.
"No, one of the Pittsburgh dudes," Tiffany replied.
Media members started snickering when they thought the mall singer was referring to Ben Roethlisberger, but began laughing when they found out Tiffany was referring to "that other dude, you know, that St. something — some German name."
After Shea said the chances of drafting Brian St. Pierre were about the same as "spending a weekend on Three Mile Island," the press conference turned from the sublime to the hysterical.
"Three Mile Island? Oh sweetie, that sounds so romantic," Tiffany said. "Let's go away this weekend. Please, please, please? God, I feel like I'm glowing."
While a befuddled Shea struggled to respond, the mall singer continued talking about her planned getaway.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Tiffany asked. "Oh, don't worry about how much it's going to cost. We need some alone time. Should I bring my swimsuit or are we just going to spend the entire weekend indoors?"
Shea replied by saying that they would have plenty of privacy, but the accommodations left much to be desired.
"Oh, then let's go camping," the mall singer replied. "We can make some S'mores and I'm sure there will be water somewhere. It's going to suck not having a microwave though."
Tiffany then turned to the sportswriters, who were on the floor rolling in laughter, and spewed some invective in their direction.
"You know, I'm so tired of how immature you guys are," Tiffany said. "You're all jealous because you can't spend a romantic weekend with my sweetie on Three Mile Island. Man, you morons are like going nuclear."
As the sportswriters continued to laugh, a flustered Tiffany became even more enraged.
"I'm so like sick and tired of you guys making fun of me," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "You're all so totally lame-o. I try being nice to you guys and this is the thanks I get? That's fine. If you guys want to see me have a meltdown, well congratulations. You're nothing but a bunch of freakazoids who like Debbie Gibson. I hate you!"
Tiffany left the stage briefly, then returned.
"Hey honey, I've got an even better idea than Three Mile Island," she said. "Let's just get as far away from these sportswriter jerks as we can. There are plenty of islands in the Pacific we can go to and never leave. So how do you get to Alcatraz?"
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Tiffany causes commotion at Clear Spring carnival
CLEAR SPRING, Md. — Another visit to Washington County meant another dose of trouble for mall singer Tiffany.
The stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer visited the Clear Spring Fireman's Carnival on Saturday night and "caused nothing but a heap of trouble," according to a person who attended the event.
The night started when Tim Shea, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise and the love of Tiffany's life, suggested the couple spend a night at the Clear Spring carnival.
The mall singer immediately became upset when the event failed to live up to her expectations.
"Man Tim, this is like so lame-o," Tiffany said. "I thought this was going to be cool. Where's the water rides and the roller coasters?"
Tiffany reluctantly agreed to stay after Shea told her that the carnival was "as American as hockey and Toyota."
But Tiffany caused more trouble when she went to a concession stand specializing in hamburgers, hot dogs and "American fries."
"Do you guys have any tacos?" Tiffany asked. "Man, I am starving for some good Mexican food. Mmmm mmmm."
After being told "Hey lady, this is America here. We don't serve that stuff," Tiffany relented and asked for some Oreo cookies she saw, not knowing that the concession stand was selling "Deep Fried Oreos."
"Hey, how much for the cookies, dude?" Tiffany asked.
Upon being told they would cost $4, Tiffany rolled her eyes.
"OK, I'll take them," a befuddled Tiffany said. "Jesus, what a ripoff."
The man then stuck the Oreos into a deep fryer, and Tiffany jumped at the man.
"Hey, give me my cookies, you moron," Tiffany said. "I mean, they're already done when they're in the package. They don't need to be cooked. Man, have you freaks like ever eaten these. Don't they sell them here in Virginia?"
Tiffany then caused another disturbance while a bluegrass band performed. The mall singer asked if the group would play a special request.
"Hey guys, can you like do 'I Think We're Alone Now' by Tiffany?" she asked. "That song is so cool."
The crowd immediately showed its displeasure, and members of the bluegrass band started rolling over in laughter.
"Hello? Tiffany? Don't you know who I'm talking about?" Tiffany said. "I like did that song in the '80s. Didn't you ever hear of it?"
Tiffany then got on the stage and wrestled the microphone away from the lead singer and began belting out her classic hit a capella before deputies with the Washington County Sheriff's Department were able to play "taser tag" and took her to the ground.
"Man, stop using that shock thingy," an enraged Tiffany said. "All I wanted was a taco and I'm being treated like a criminal. Save it for Debbie Gibson. I hate her."
As the night ended, the mall singer left with an inflatable SpongeBob SquarePants doll that Shea won for her by making free throws at a carnival game and minus $65 between spending money on Bingo games and tip jars.
"Please Tim, get us back to Intercourse sweetie," a tearful Tiffany said while Shea consoled the mall singer by calling her "my wittle snookums." "I can't handle this anymore. Don't ever bring me hear again. Get me back with those normal Amish inbreds."
The stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer visited the Clear Spring Fireman's Carnival on Saturday night and "caused nothing but a heap of trouble," according to a person who attended the event.
The night started when Tim Shea, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise and the love of Tiffany's life, suggested the couple spend a night at the Clear Spring carnival.
The mall singer immediately became upset when the event failed to live up to her expectations.
"Man Tim, this is like so lame-o," Tiffany said. "I thought this was going to be cool. Where's the water rides and the roller coasters?"
Tiffany reluctantly agreed to stay after Shea told her that the carnival was "as American as hockey and Toyota."
But Tiffany caused more trouble when she went to a concession stand specializing in hamburgers, hot dogs and "American fries."
"Do you guys have any tacos?" Tiffany asked. "Man, I am starving for some good Mexican food. Mmmm mmmm."
After being told "Hey lady, this is America here. We don't serve that stuff," Tiffany relented and asked for some Oreo cookies she saw, not knowing that the concession stand was selling "Deep Fried Oreos."
"Hey, how much for the cookies, dude?" Tiffany asked.
Upon being told they would cost $4, Tiffany rolled her eyes.
"OK, I'll take them," a befuddled Tiffany said. "Jesus, what a ripoff."
The man then stuck the Oreos into a deep fryer, and Tiffany jumped at the man.
"Hey, give me my cookies, you moron," Tiffany said. "I mean, they're already done when they're in the package. They don't need to be cooked. Man, have you freaks like ever eaten these. Don't they sell them here in Virginia?"
Tiffany then caused another disturbance while a bluegrass band performed. The mall singer asked if the group would play a special request.
"Hey guys, can you like do 'I Think We're Alone Now' by Tiffany?" she asked. "That song is so cool."
The crowd immediately showed its displeasure, and members of the bluegrass band started rolling over in laughter.
"Hello? Tiffany? Don't you know who I'm talking about?" Tiffany said. "I like did that song in the '80s. Didn't you ever hear of it?"
Tiffany then got on the stage and wrestled the microphone away from the lead singer and began belting out her classic hit a capella before deputies with the Washington County Sheriff's Department were able to play "taser tag" and took her to the ground.
"Man, stop using that shock thingy," an enraged Tiffany said. "All I wanted was a taco and I'm being treated like a criminal. Save it for Debbie Gibson. I hate her."
As the night ended, the mall singer left with an inflatable SpongeBob SquarePants doll that Shea won for her by making free throws at a carnival game and minus $65 between spending money on Bingo games and tip jars.
"Please Tim, get us back to Intercourse sweetie," a tearful Tiffany said while Shea consoled the mall singer by calling her "my wittle snookums." "I can't handle this anymore. Don't ever bring me hear again. Get me back with those normal Amish inbreds."
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