INTERCOURSE, Pa. — With the Showering with Tiffany roster set for the 2007 fantasy football season, co-owner Tim Shea expressed satisfaction that he was able to draft four running backs in the first six rounds of Sunday's draft.
Meanwhile, stunningly beautiful and delightfully ditzy 35-year-old mall singer Tiffany, aka "Wittle Snookums," expressed her satisfaction that Shea drafted "a wide receiver who can dance."
"Me and that Ocho Cinco dude (wide receiver Chad Johnson) are going into business together," a delighted Tiffany said at Friday's Showering with Tiffany media day. "I've tried to talk Tim into opening a dance studio with me, but he says he hates to dance. So I'm so glad that Ocho Cinco agreed to be my partner in my new business."
Tiffany expressed confidence that the predominantly Amish residents of Intercourse would embrace her latest business venture.
"I know these Amish kids will take advantage of the many services we plan to offer," the mall singer said. "They can learn about ballroom dancing if they want, but me and Ocho Cinco are going to specialize in more modern dances. I can't wait to see these Amish kids bump and grind it on the dance floor."
Jonas Yoder, a junior at Intercourse High School, disagreed with Tiffany's assessment that the business would take off.
"We're not allowed to dance or listen to music or play instruments," Yoder said. "This woman you call Tiffany is a complete outsider in our way of life. She keeps asking me if I have ever gotten any of her text messages. She is — how would you English say it — a total moron."
A befuddled Tiffany rolled her eyes when she heard of Yoder's comments.
"Not allowed to dance?" the mall singer asked. "I mean, do you have to listen to your parents all the time? These inbred kids who I call my new friends need to loosen up a little bit. Once they see 'Dirty Dancing,' they all will change their minds. Just wait and see."
Johnson expressed guarded optimism about the prospects for the dance studio, and hopes the Amish will adjust to his off-the-wall sense of humor.
"I'm trying to play practical jokes with these people, but they're not responding the way I hoped they would," the wide receiver said. "I'm all about entertaining the fans. I keep telling them about all of the touchdown celebrations I have planned for this season, but they don't seem to care. These people are pretty boring so far. They're like a bunch of Atlanta Falcons fans."
Later during the media day event, Tiffany started heaping praise on quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, which eventually led to another confrontation with the Showering with Tiffany beat writers.
"Man, now I know why they call you 'Big Ben,'" Tiffany said. "Man, you are SOOOOOOO big."
Roethlisberger thanked Tiffany for the comment as running backs Frank Gore, Deuce McAllister and Cedric Benson laughed behind the mall singer's back.
"I mean, look at the size of this dude," Tiffany said. "You're bigger than average. God, I'm getting so excited seeing how big you are."
As the media members began laughing out loud, Tiffany turned her attention to them.
"Why is it that you freakazoids start laughing every time I open my mouth," the mall singer said. "You guys are all so lame-o. You all wish you were as big as Ben. Just because I start talking about a guy who is so big doesn't mean you start laughing at me. Can't you understand me? Is it that hard?"
As the media members continued laughing, an enraged Tiffany spewed some more invective their way.
"You morons are just a bunch of stiffs," a teary-eyed Tiffany said. "All I've done since I've been here is be nice to you guys and you treat me like garbage. I mean, I can't until you guys get what's coming to you."
Tiffany stormed away from the media gathering and into the arms of Shea, who was talking to the mall singer's new business partner.
"I'm sorry, honey," Shea said. "It'll be OK. I'll just go ahead and spring Johnson on them."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment