Doctors: Tiffany suffering from 'mall withdrawal'

INTERCOURSE, Pa. — After 10 days of medical testing both locally and at several world-renowned hospitals, a spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control finally revealed what the mysterious illness is that is plaguing 35-year-old stunningly beautiful mall singer Tiffany.
The diagnosis: Mall withdrawal.
"The symptoms of mall withdrawal are similar to those of other addictive diseases," CDC spokesman Jim Nasium said Saturday. "Tiffany is feeling very tired and is in a seriously weakened condition. She has to fight her way through this and not be exposed to stores like Claire's Boutique and The Great American Steak and Potato Company."
Nasium suggested that Tiffany, co-owner of the Showering with Tiffany fantasy football franchise, establish a 12-step program for recovering "mall-aholics" since she is the first person to be documented with the disease.
"I'm sure there are thousands of people, particulary young women, who continue to suffer in silence," Nasium said. "Tiffany can serve as an inspiration to them and show them that they can cope with this disease."
Tiffany's medical crisis began on the Fourth of July, when she was found slumped over the steering wheel of a buggy and begging anyone within earshot to take her to American Eagle Outfitters.
Tim Shea, Tiffany's fellow co-owner and the love of her life, immediately took Tiffany to an Intercourse doctor, who diagnosed the mall singer with a mild case of the flu.
"I could tell it was much worse than that when I started teasing her about all of the things I can do with my iPhone and she didn't even respond," Shea said. "So I used my GPS tracker and found the nearest world-renowned hospital."
Among the medical facilities that Tiffany and Shea visited were Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore and the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.
"I thought she was close to a goner when I told her we were going to the Mayo Clinic and she said she really wanted two burritos grande and a large plate of nachos instead," Shea said. "Thank God for the CDC in the end. Although they at first wanted her to be quarantined with that guy who had tuberculosis."
Tiffany is resting comfortable at home and is scheduled to return to her normal co-ownership duties this week.
Upon learning of the news, experts on Wall Street said they expect the prices for shares of stock for The Disney Store and The Gap will plummet more than 50 percent shortly after trading opens Monday.