Tiffany still can't get iPhone to work

INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Some residents of south-central Pennsylvania were treated to fireworks a day early.
Tiffany, the stunningly beautiful 35-year-old mall singer, pitched a fit Tuesday after repeated attempts to get her iPhone to work proved fruitless.
"You buy something that's supposed to be great and I can't even get the damn thing to work," Tiffany said. "Where's the, you know, number button thingy that I use to make calls?"
Tiffany purchased the iPhone Friday at the Lancaster Mall after attempts to find an AT&T store in Intercourse and the surrounding area came up empty.
"I just don't understand these people," the mall singer said. "Man, they get all excited about freshly churned butter like it's a PlayStation 3. I'm surprised nobody's gotten trampled to death yet they way these inbreds react to freshly baked sourdough rolls."
Tiffany tried to get assistance from several Intercourse residents in order to get her iPhone to work, but to no avail.
"I asked this woman what to do with this," Tiffany said. "She grabs it out of my hands and starts to use it as a rolling pin! Oh my God. I grabbed it right back and told her I needed to figure out how to download music and she looked at me like I was from a foreign country like Mexico or North Dakota.
"Then there was the dude who looked at it and was just about to start hammering nails with it. I'm like, 'Hey dude, like take it easy with that. I just want to figure out how to find Web sites.' He then points to a bunch of cobwebs in the corner of his house. I mean, what a total moron!"
Adding to Tiffany's frustration is the fact that Tim Shea, who co-owns the Showering with Tiffany football franchise with the mall singer, has been able to use his custom-made iPhone without any problems.
"Gee whiz, he's watching full-length movies and downloading that crappy punk rock music he always listens to," Tiffany said. "And you know, that special Taser feature he had built in gets a little old after you use it about 100 times on these Amish kids."
Shea also is working with several other features of his phone, including the function enabling him to perform laser eye surgery and another which uncoils a 200-foot "Bat rope."