Shea: TIffany would have been a 'cool girlfriend in college'

INTERCOURSE, Pa. — Another reason for the ownership change for Tim Shea's fantasy football team emerged during a Memorial Day weekend press conference.
In an attempt to relive his drunken glory days at Indiana University of Pennsylvania, Shea said Tiffany, the team's new co-owner, is "somebody I'd have hit on if I was at a bar when I was at IUP."
"(Former co-owner) Thea (Andrews) is a beautiful women, but let's face it, I'd have needed about a case of I.C. Light to even begin thinking about trying to pick her up," Shea said. "With Tiffany, I might have only needed six to eight beers to start hitting on her."
Shea emphasized that he was referring to Tiffany as she is now and not while he was a senior in college.
"She was what, 16 years old, when I graduated from there," Shea said. "Can you say 'statutory rape'?"
"She really would have been a cool girlfriend in college," Shea continued. "She could have helped me through my History of Music class and I would have been cool with her. You know me — I'm 'Mr. Nice Guy,' and I'd have made sure to keep her happy at all costs because, basically, I was a really pathetic pushover. Of course, I still am."
Shea then began boring the media gathered with his ideal scenario for picking Tiffany up.
"It would have been a Thursday night and me and Chris (Edwards, his regular drinking buddy in college) would be heading out about 9 or 10 p.m.," Shea said. "This would have been while Chris was going through one of those breakups with Kim. Man, she could be a pain in the ass sometimes.
"But anyway, we'd head out to Ricupero's (a bar frequented by 'townies') and have a couple of drafts to warm up. We'd be sitting there talking about the hockey league we wanted to start up or the radio station we would buy.
"About 11 p.m., we'd walk down Main Street and figure out where to go next. We'd probably head down to Kangaroo's for a quick drink and see what the heck was going on. At this point, I'd go ahead and order a 'Blue Kangaroo,' which was a drink with several kinds of alcohol that ended up turning blue like the ocean, and then they'd put some Gummi Fish in there like they were swimming in the ocean. Man, did I get a stomach ache one time when I drank about four of those. God, that was awful.
"But anyway, there probably wouldn't be much going on at Kangaroo's, so you know what would happen then — time to head to the Coney Island.
"So we'd order a couple of beers and listen to the band that was playing for a while and watch the TV with the sound down. About midnight, Tiffany would come in the bar with one of her friends — I don't know, maybe Debbie Gibson — and they'd order something.
"So we'd walk past them — the bar's getting pretty crowded about now, so it's tough to move around. I'd see Tiffany and I'd smile at her and she'd smile back. Wouldn't say anything yet, I'm only about on my fourth beer at this point.
"But anyway, once we got past them and found someplace else to stand, Chris would say something like "What did you think of that blonde chick,' which would have been Debbie Gibson. I'd say 'She's cool. Her friend looks pretty nice.'
"So we'd go through this a couple of more times. We'd walk past and I'd smile at Tiffany and she'd smile back. Still not quite ready to hit on her at this point.
"About 1 a.m., people are starting to leave and tables start to open up, so Tiffany and Debbie sit down. At this point, Chris, who's more outgoing that I was in these situations, would start talking about going over and talking to them and seeing what's going on.
"So Chris would go over and say, 'Hey, how's it going?' I'd look at Tiffany and smile — AGAIN. Chris would be making small talk with Debbie and then she'd say, 'Hey, you guys want to sit down?' So, of course, we're going to accept the invitation. I mean, we're guys who've had a few beers being invited to sit down by two cute chicks. I don't think we're saying no.
"So Chris would start carrying the conversation. He'd say something about the band that was playing and Debbie would say something about the Johnny Rotten shirt that he always liked to wear. So they'd start talking about punk rock — yeah, imagine Debbie Gibson talking about puck rock. Whatever — and he'd get me and Tiffany into the conversation by asking her what kind of music she liked.
"She's say, 'Well, punk rock is cool, but I really am more into alternative — yeah, sure the real Tiffany probably hates the stuff, but just play along with me here. She'd say her favorite album was 'Night and Day' by Joe Jackson.
"So here's where I come in. I'd say, 'I LOVE that album. Oh my God, that's awesome.' So then, me and Tiffany are starting to talk about music, then I'd ask her about her major and where she's from and all that stuff. At this point, I'm definitely getting into 'pickup mode.'
"So it's 2 a.m. and it's time to leave. Chris would offer for us to walk them home. We'd say we want to make sure you guys are safe, but we'd really be thinking about how far we could get with them. I'm hoping at least to second base, but if I only get to first, OK, that's cool too.
"So Chris would put his arm around Debbie and would say, 'OK, let's go.' So I'd get up and extend my hand out to Tiffany so that she could get up. Except I don't let go of her hand and hope she's cool with it. And she doesn't let go! Man, that would be so cool!
"So we'd get over to their place and me and Tiffany start, like making out. Of course, in my inebriated state at that point, I'd try to extend the single into a double, but Tiffany would say something about not wanting to do that. I'd be like, 'OK,' so we'd just keep making out. You know me — 'Mr. Nice Guy.' I'm happy just to be in liplock at this point, so why screw that up?
"So then we'd actually keep seeing each other and she'd be my girlfriend. Is that like totally cool or what?"
Shea went on to say that this scenario actually happened during his senior year at IUP, except that he was the one with the "cute blonde" and Chris was with "the chunky chick with the darker hair." And it was only a one-night event and he never saw the "cute blonde" again.
When reached for comment, Edwards laughed and said, "Yeah, that actually did happen. He was with that Amy chick, and I was with, God, I can't remember her name."
Edwards also said that he definitely would not have tried to pick up Gibson, and expressed shock that Shea finally had gotten over his senior year crush on Kate Bush.